Tory MPs to wear face masks so you can’t see their lips moving

FACE MASKS FOR DUMMIES: Government chief adviser Dominic Cummings has announced that blue face masks will be compulsory, for all Conservative MPs, outside the family home. The move is designed to provide leadership and clarity for the British public.

Due to negative connotations, use of the word mask will be discontinued and the more inclusive term facial covering will be adopted. Members are urged to achieve the required levels of fit and facial coverage when placing their orders, and an online training aid is available. Cummings also announced MPs will not be giving any interviews due to the facial coverings. He stated, “We do not want government communications to sound mumbled, unclear or incoherent and we don’t want to have to endlessly repeat the same things to get our message across. Until we get a vaccine all future governmental communication will be via meme. Acme-me, a one-man band, run from a garden shed between Durham and Barnard Castle, has been awarded the contract.”

East Midlands MP Andrew Airbridgen said, “I an proud to reveal that all facial coverings will be British made. I have received a letter from a Constituent, who said he could supply the equipment from Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe in Leicester, although Sweet was incorrectly spelled as Swet.” When asked about the spelling he went on to say, “It was obviously a simple spelling mistake. As part of our more inclusive levelling up agenda, the ability to spell will be lesss rellyvant.”

Almost all MPs were surprised by the early morning Cummings, but agreed with the policy. One MP, whose secretary is also his wife, said of the announcement, “Well, it came a little sooner than we expected this morning and she wasn’t able to catch it all, but I think she got the message.”

Many older male MPs were worried they may not be able to achieve the facial coverage levels required by the rules.

Several younger female MPs expressed concern about the standard of facial coverings, as they spend a lot of time and money on their appearance. One said, “I don’t need my hair messing up due to a badly done facial covering!”

A more senior female member, Honey Trapp, who spent decades sliding up and down various ministerial greasy poles, said with a knowing smile, “Succumbing to a little facial covering may benefit their careers.” Other female members accepted the move but were not happy about it. “They will just have to take it on the chin,” remarked Trapp.

Later, UK Internet was almost brought to a standstill, due to searches for the online ten-minute training aid. Internet providers were astonished by the levels of video downloads and the time spent watching them, after googling Cummings Facial Coverings. This phenomenon was also thought to be responsible for an outbreak of nudging, winking (know what I mean?) and infantile giggling in Commons bars.

Several MP’s wives/secretaries were rushed to A&E with suspected PTSD, and there has been an unprecedented rise in wrist injuries/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It is thought Ann Widdicombe, a lifelong supporter of complete withdrawal, may never recover after Mark Francois asked her to give him a hand with the matter.

A spokesman for No.10 said: “In keeping with recent government policy, the new initiative will be called About Face. British facial coverings will be the envy of the world and will take a lot of beating. We have already chosen a delegation of MPs to ensure this is the case. Their first task will be a fact-finding mission to Amsterdam, where there’s a vibrant facial covering industry. We are hoping for cross party support, it’s vital that everyone is pulling together on this initiative”. Michael Gove is believed to have signed up already.

The final word must go to a seasoned parliamentarian and former father of the house, Kent Clark, who commented, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Conservative MPs have been masquerading as representatives of the people since Adam was a lad”.

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