RIGHT FOOT FORWARD : THE VIRTUAL CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE HAS BEEN MET WITH MORE THAN A FEW GLITCHES.
Most notable have been the frequent blue screen events in the middle of cabinet member speeches. Although some suggest that the outages may have been deliberate, in order to safeguard the mental health of the audience, and the country in general.
But one conference failure has been far from virtual and all too real.
The ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ was to be a centrepiece of the conference, with MPs such as Matt Hancock and Christ Grayling favoured to seize the coveted trophy, with James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen tipped as likely outsiders in a many horse race.
“We’ve had to cancel the award ceremony,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is a shame as we spent a lot of hard earned taxpayer’s money having one of Margaret Thatcher’s pumps gold plated.”
The cancelling of the ceremony will have knock on effects. While ‘the golden shoelace’ is the most coveted prize for excellence available, there were also numerous runner up prizes set to be dished out.
“I think the criteria was too tough,” the source muses, “the bar too high. We should really have set the demand at being able to just really believe you can tie your own shoelaces, alongside an ability to source them from a firm set up last week by a mate of a cabinet minister. Actual evidence of ability was clearly going to disqualify everyone from the most obscure puppet parachuted into a constituency we didn’t expect to win, all the way to giant brain PM Cummings.”
But what will take the place of the award ceremony now?
“Some have suggested an actual tutorial on shoelace tying would be appropriate. But that’s essentially treason, to suggest we’re not up to it. I think instead we’ll just move the goal posts really wide next time to ensure lessons are learned and we all still get our rewards, in spite of the failure.”
No changes planned, but business as usual then.