Nobody surprised that Matt Hancock’s family drinks in Matt Hancock’s pub

IT’S WHO YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU KNOW: Experts are out, and cronies are in. Revelations that Your Good Health Secretary Matt Hancock awarded NHS contracts to family members who just happened to drink in the same pub have shocked nobody. 

The Cock Inn, the pub in the charming village of Snouts-in-the-Trough, has become a recruiting ground for Hancock. The landlord mysteriously landed a Covid test kit contract. Old Lenny, who has sat in the same seat and told the same tall stories for over 50 years now, has been given his own show on GB News. And the darts team turned out for Manchester United at the weekend. 

This is a case of putting the Hancock into the Cock. 

The Cock Inn WhatsApp group was busy after the latest revelations. Everybody in Snouts-in-the-Trough, it seems, wants a bit of Matt’s benevolence. “I’m a cleaner, I could do money laundering!” posted Henry Hoover the barman. “I’m good with brushes, maybe I could help to sweep the whole affair under the doorMatt,” suggested artist Matt Black. “I’m Matt Hancock, and so is my wife!” was a very popular comment. 

The pub itself is considering a name change, from the Cock Inn to the Hancock Inn. It is now open for socially distanced drinks in the pub car park, but if you give Matt a bell he will bypass covid restrictions for you and give you a cushy job with the government. 

Hancock family members are famously known as shareholders in a prominent NHS outsourcing firm. What is less well known is the composition of the board of directors. The Sales Director is Squeaky, his daughter’s pet mouse, for example,and the Chairman is the family goldfish, Fluffy. 

And accusations of cronyism have been firmly rebutted by the Hancock family. This isn’t cronyism, they claim. It’s nepotism. Get it right! 

Statue of David Cameron commissioned to celebrate his innocence

HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.

There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.

The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.

“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”

Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?

“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”

On what grounds?

“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”

The second question, where will the statue go?

“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”

Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.

Man fails at easiest job in history

PORK SCRATCHINGS : Britain’s greatest living ex-prime minister David Cameron has failed.

”It was a shock to anyone who hasn’t met him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, he’s so charismatic. The problem is his ambition. Loser ex-PM’s just charge £50K a hit to have lunch and a peak at their book of contacts. Not Dave. He had bigger fish to fry. But now he’s the one he’s frying.”

And the thick smoke from the Dave vat is intense.

“Johnson is loving it though. Which is nice. Best laugh he’s had watching Cameron swing since giving new boys wedgies in the changing rooms as a schoolboy. Gives him a break from Carrie banging on about whether or not they chose the right wallpaper for the nursery too. Why ask him? He only just discovered they have a nursery at No.11. Now he wants to move out! Ha!”

While no one will resent Britain’s hardest working prime minister having a laugh at an old rival’s expense, there is a touch of concern that Tory cats maybe be coming out of Tory bags.

“The hoi polloi are just jealous. Why else would you become a modern Tory MP except to get the money back the great unwashed stole from your family via tax? Sound motivation. Public good. It’ll trickle back down. Maybe a bit smelly and yellow, but it’ll trickle alright.”

But what next for Cameron?

“Oh it’s a karmic avalanche. He’s failed at the easiest job in history. Imagine being so useless you can’t make a go of it in the U.K. of 2021 as a Tory insider lobbyist in an openly corrupt chumocracy? That takes some doing. World beating failure.”

Just call him Dave.

Boris Johnson to construct Cameron/Greensill inquiry out of empty wine boxes

BARGAIN BUCKET DAVE : The Prime Minister has announced he will conduct an inquiry into the activities of the failed lobbyist, failed prime minister, failed shepherd’s hut shed dweller, failed referendum holder and failed hoodie hugger David Cameron.

The inquiry will focus on Dave’s leveraging of his address book for his high rolling mate Lex, and just how deep the inappropriate nature of the relationship percolated Mr Cameron’s premiership.

”People are saying it’s going to be a whitewash,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “More correctly these days that’s a red, white and blue wash. Patriotic rinse. It’ll be a world beating inquiry. Tory looks at Tory. Total probity. The public can have full confidence that if Mr Johnson harbours any ill feeling towards Mr Cameron he’ll be found guilty and hung out to dry. Also if it’s judged he’s serving well as a distraction from all the other grubby things the government is up to. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

We will also just have to wait and see what vintage Mr Johnson will consume in the preparation and conduct of the inquiry. This is because he’s going to construct the proceedings out of empty wine crates.

“You shouldn’t think though that the inquiry will be like one of those hastily thrown together, shabby, unfit for purpose buses Mr Johnson makes in his arts and crafts sessions. The wine will be high end, excellent vintage. This is guaranteed, because like everything this well tailored mob get up to, you’re paying for it.”

In more ways than one. And they’ve been at it for so long.

Sin-eater hired by Boris Johnson dies of obesity

SINFUL OVER CONSUMPTION : Dramatic news from 10 Downing Street this morning with reports that a Sin-eater hired by the Prime Minister, Mr Creosote, has died.

The man, said to have been a professional, is believed to have abruptly expired last night during his regular shift in the 11 Downing Street flat.

Paying someone to absorb your own guilt, and thus cleanse you of your sins, has been a popular technique since the Middle Ages. This is the first report of a fatality though.

“He just rolled over, belched, farted, loosed his bowls and died,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It was a combination of chronic obesity related diseases, but the root cause is believed to have been his diet.”

Mr Johnson is rumoured to have hired the Sin-eater by his current partner, who is said to be worried that the sheer volume and accumulation of moral and ethical crimes by the prime minister may mean he is not there in years to come to father their child.

“The real shock is how sudden the death occurred,” the source continues. “The Sin-eater has only been employed by Downing Street since Saturday. He was lean and healthy when he arrived. It seems the sheer volume of sin he consumed so rapidly lead to a rapid decline in his health. Which is a shame, as there’s a mountain of horror left to be eaten and new sins added hourly.”

There are currently no plans to conduct a post-mortem as it is believed opening up the deceased’s body would be akin to a “Pandora’s Box level calamity.”

“We know the cause of death. It would be best to just have the Navy wrap the body in a Union Flag and dispose of the Sin-eater in a deep sea trench. Then all declare its move on.”

Cameron corrupt cronyism report to be written by corrupt Cameron crony

ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL: Disgraced former Prime Minister and (allegedly) current pig fancier “Dodgy” David Cameron is under investigation. To ensure that the correct conclusion is reached, an old corrupt crony of Cameron’s is to compile the report.

The conclusion is the tricky part. Does the government wish to exonerate one of its own; or does it wish to throw Cameron to the Fleet Street lions in a blame shifting dead cat manoeuvre? Either way, the evidence will be found to support whichever conclusion is chosen.

To this end, the report will be produced by a man who is (also allegedly) up to his neck in the same filth, Sir Fitt O’Spondoolix. It takes a crook to catch a crook, as the saying goes these days in Westminster.

Or indeed to find a crook completely innocent and deserving of a 40% pay rise.

Either way, Cameron is reported to be cowering in his shed, writing the latest volume of his memoirs (David Cameron: The Nick Clegg Years).

Regular Westminster watcher Phil Inderblancs was willing to speculate wildly. “It’s clear a crime has been committed,” he guessed. “That’s why there’s going to be a report. But think about this. What’s the crime?”

Inderblancs paused for effect, sipping from an inter-lockdown pint.

“Is it corruption? No way,” he said confidently. “That goes on all the time, and they are all in on it. It’s not cronyism for the same reason. No, the problem here is that old Dodgy slipped up and got found out.”

Another meaningful sip of freedom.

“So they will either throw Dodgy Dave under the bus, or sweep the whole lot under the carpet,” he concluded. “Ultimately Dave is one of the lads, so as soon as the whitewash comes out, they will be in the market for a very large Axminster and some expensive brooms.”

Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Time to move on. 

PM says “Tory MPs can resume their extramarital affairs as of April 12th”

PENT UP : The Prime Minister of England, Boris Johnson, has addressed the nation over the changes to restrictions on day to day life. These are a result of his intellectual and emotional inability to pursue an elimination strategy for the pandemic. Such a strategy could see normal life resume within our borders within weeks, as it has in numerous countries. But no.

We’re exceptional. And don’t you forget it.

Appearing at the chipboard podium, set impressively on a floor of secondhand acrylic carpet squares, he first smirked, winked, fumbled with something in his trouser pocket, and then got stuck in.

“People of England, we’re so close now to ridding our land of the virus,” so far so good, “But we notice that the Kent variant is raging, among others, on the continent. This is an opportunity too good to miss.”

The keeping of a low level of community transmission of the potentially lethal virus is important to whoever is supplying the millioms and millions of lateral flow tests.

“From April 12th you may go to the hairdresser, you may go and stand outside the pub. Essentially you can do everything you would like to again, while we pretend you’re not doing other things.”

Here he smirked. Winked. Ruffled his hair. Made some odd hand gestures. Wondered what he was doing with his life for an hour, with the sort of vacant and confused stare a pet dog has seeing a family cat given a prized morsel. Then he continued.

“And I say to my colleagues in particular. I know it has been difficult, stuck at home with your families at one of your homes, for so many months. Well, now is the time to unbox the burner phone and text her, or him, or them. Get back into it. Remember that no one has to resign for any impropriety so long as they support my project. Resume your affairs! With colleagues or whoever. And put what ever you like on expenses. We will pick up the tab!”

At some point there maybe a public inquiry over misuse of public funds, but it will determine it’s time to move on.

“But just remember, don’t start shagging each other outdoors again until April 12th. Thank you.”

Questions asked after MP claims for 101 Dalmatian puppies on expenses claim

TOO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE : MPs expenses are back in focus today with the revelation that the Home Secretary Priti Patel has been claiming for hundreds of pounds worth of cupcakes, followed by advice from a dietitian. When you consider her income, that is not unreasonable, why shouldn’t we pay for her cupcakes?

Flags have also been an issue of fluttering interest, given that it is now obligatory for Tory MPs to wallpaper all their multiple homes with them. But few sticky beaks have bothered to look for details that reveal a softer side of any MP. Perhaps because the ‘Nasty Party’ is in power, perhaps because the public could do with unconscious bias training, re Tory MPs?

“Everyone should have looked closer at Priti Patel’s expenses,” a source in the Home Office told LCD Views. “They are very revealing and contain some surprises.”

The interview was one of the more difficult we have conducted remotely, due largely to the sounds of malevolent laughter in the background and underwear elastic being stretched to breaking point (replaying of the tape suggests the most likely origin of that sound was someone been given a wedgie by the Home Secretary).

“In particular look at the sheer volume of puppies she has claimed for! It is clear that she needs them to spread joy. Most likely she wants to wait on the beach and greet desperate new arrivals with something soft and fluffy, just like herself.”

The breed of the puppies does suggest a different mind at work though.

“Sure they’re Dalmatian puppies and that may lead you to think she is Cruella de Vil, but I’m sure a simple glace at her new bleeding heart policies for refugees will settle that question to anyone’s satisfaction.”

Census 2021 to be redone after Tory discovers no Union Jack images on Census pages

DEDICATED TO JAMES WILD MP : EXCITING NEWS for patriots today with the announcement from Downing Street that the UK 2021 Census is to be redone.

The decision to retake the national fact finding exercise comes after sharp eyed Tory MP James “Unchained” Wild made a shocking discovery.

“He’s so quick on the draw,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Millions of people filled in the census but the only one to realise it was a fundamentally flawed exercise was James. There we no Union Flag symbols anywhere. It’s a national crisis. We don’t know who we are as a people without them. We’re thinking of giving him a cabinet position. A whole new ministry of patriotism maybe. His place in the history books is now secured.”

While some would expect Tory MPs to be concerned over the thousands of food banks that have grown in their years in government. Or maybe the risk of the breakup of the actual UK caused by Brexit, thus rendering the Union Flag obsolete. Or maybe whether or not we should sell arms into the world’s conflict zones, and then moan about refugees turning up. James is on the money.

“Obsession with national symbols to maintain an edifice of credibility is vitally important as the country moves into complete bin fire stage,” the source confirms. “James has done us all a service. It doesn’t matter what the quality of life is in the UK. It doesn’t matter if our trade is withering fast. It doesn’t matter if over 120K have died avoidably during a plague. What matters is flags. Focus on the flags.”

History will remember their deeds in a time of national crisis. Mr Wild MP has ensured he too will get his own little footnote under the chapter, “The UK – My Part In Its Downfall”, which will feature the recorded efforts of the country’s elected representatives as it failed.

All hail James! Flagshagger MP extraordinaire.

Downing Street says it was “exercising its freedom of speech” when it spent £37bn on Track & Trace

CAN’T CANCEL THIS : DOWNING STREET is under unfair and relentless pressure to explain how it managed to spend £37bn (so far) on a Track and Trace service that appears not to be fit for purpose.

“The best people aren’t cheap,” a 10 Downing Street source explained to LCD Views. “And mediocre people who have no idea how to set up and run the service? They are really, really expensive.”

It seems the questions though aren’t relenting anytime soon, especially in the face of the scale of the lives lost in the UK, and the fact that hundreds are still dying daily even as schools reopen.

“Unpatriotic people without Union Jack flags in their living rooms are trying to cancel us,” the source continues. “Well, they’re trying to cancel some of those bank transfers. But we won’t let them. We’ve made commitments to our friends in businesses unrelated to health care and we intend to stick to them.”

Downing Street has more to call on too. It’s not just it’s principled and generous nature that it can stand on and trample.

“It’s essentially a free speech issue. What does a government do but express itself in the way it cares for its people. And that expression is done with the people’s money. So it follows to try and criticise us, to try and shut us down in our expression with £37bn gone to a barely working Test and Trace, then people are trying to cancel us. We won’t have it. We’ll spend more billions for sod all just to prove it.”