Chancellor Rishi Sunak to launch “Dishy Rishi 2021 Calendar” at midday today

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, RISHI SUNAK, IS SET TO PROVIDE ADDTIONAL STOCKING FILLERS TODAY WITH THE LAUNCH OF HIS FIRST CELEBRITY CALENDAR.

The calendar will have one theme for each month and feature Mr Sunak in a variety of dazzling compositions.

“No expense has been spared on the photography and design of the Sunak spreads,” an aide working on the product told LCD Views, “in fact we’ve put more effort into this than the entirety of the economic plan to cope with Brexit.”

January will kick off with Rishi standing disarmingly (but socially, and financially distanced) next to a bin fire and the tag line “We’re all in this together!”.

February will be Mr Sunak distributing bread at a food bank with a smile so innocent you’d never know he could have prevented it.

March will see Rishi as Atlas.

“The boulder on his back will look distinctly like Boris Johnson. But any suggestion this is a subtle play for the Tory leadership is mistaken. Rishi can just buy that.”

April will see a return to Mr Sunak’s most loved environment. Wagamamma’s.

“He’ll take a break from the casual, business chic attire for this one. He’ll actually be taking a leaf out of Johnson’s book and cosplaying as a fireman. The better to help the fire brigade crew fight the flames resulting from the Brexit food rioting.”

Details of the summer months are still under wraps, with the teasing suggestion they will have a playful, swimsuit theme.

The calendar does end officially in December, like usual, but as with some it has a bonus extra month for the following year. January 2022.

“This will focus on winter foraging for food and fuel supplies while enduring a trade embargo from Europe. Rishi will be pictured as King Cnut in this one. Feet in the rising waters and the people grub for grubs on a green and open landscape.”

Pre-order your calendar today and receive a free motivational coffee mug with it.

“That has ‘Brexit – Sunak will make a meal out of it!’ written across it.”

Tory MP – “Priti Patel has now given me five kidneys in total. I can’t see how she’s a bully!”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

Priti Patel made the new face of anti-bullying

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH: To mark anti-bullying week, the government has announced a new world-beating-up anti-bullying champion. Who better than Priti Patel?

Well, almost anybody, really. But that never puts this government off its stride. Patel’s sheer unsuitability for the role makes her the ideal candidate.

Patel has been plagued by accusations of bullying for a long time. So, reasons officialdom, who better to counter bullying than a bully? It’s poacher turned gamekeeper. The Home Office wolf has donned sheep’s clothing, and concealed her iron fist inside a velvet glove.

Guidance has been issued on the Home Office website. There you will find a page headed “So, you think you are being bullied, do you?”

The guidance is uncompromising. It consists of a sequence of FAQs, which tend to be neither questions nor frequently asked. It starts, promisingly enough, with a section entitled “What is bullying, and how do I deal with it?”

The answer is stark. “Bullying is, traditionally, where a bigger boy beats you up and steals your sweets. In fact, this is a useful illustration of Capitalism in action. Grow a pair, and get used to it!”

Wise words, I think we can all agree.

But there is more to come. “My boss has criticised me loudly, publicly and unfairly. What can I do?”

The response is clear. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Strong leadership is to be admired. Up your game, snowflake.”

A section of helpful guidance is included. “I want to know what can be counted as bullying,” reads one non-question. The answer is nothing if not deeply unhelpful.

“The following actions are NOT considered to be bullying: Words, actions or physical contact designed to display strength or superiority. Being put in your place. Name-calling. Criticism of your work, opinions, or appearance. Asserting your position in the pecking order by belittling your inferiors. Bullying.”

Priti Patel will set a fine example to the nation.

Plan to relaunch Boris Johnson into the face of the Sun gets green light

NATIONAL EFFORT : THE BRITISH AEROSPACE sector has received a welcome boost with the announcement of a plan that will see billions invested and fast.

The industry was suffering the jitters as a result of Brexit, but with homegrown guts and can do it will all be alright.

“We’re going to relaunch Boris Johnson,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with Dom now gone, kinda, we believe it’s time for Mr Johnson to reset and lift off as the people’s prime minister.”

Although it’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s infectious popularity wouldn’t have just bounced back off its own bat, the new team advising the saggy old chap have decided to make sure.

“We’ve been focus grouping all weekend to find out what’s the best way to relaunch Mr Johnson and we’re actioning the most popular suggestion.”

This suggestion appears to be “launch him into the face of the Sun”.

“Drop him into the sea” was also popular, alongside of “ritual sacrifice in a volcano to end the pandemic”.

“We don’t have any active volcanoes in the UK currently, so while it would make great theatre to use some sort of tripwire device to deliver the PM into the inferno, it’s not a goer. But the Sun is right there just asking for it.”

And there’s no concern that the alleged exit of the Vote Leave gang will see the team bereft of a slogan.

“Check. Change. GO!” the aide grins, “that’s perfectly suitable for strapping the bloated old ram into a rocket powered ejector seat and launching him from College Green.”

Priti Patel wins coveted ‘Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government 2020’

IT TAKES A SPECIAL TOUCH : THERESA MAY made her mark on the cultural and civil landscape of the United Kingdom, before returning to the backbenches to glare balefully at the entitled little shits she helped elevate to power. But that’s not the sum total of her work nowadays, she’s also the founder of ‘The Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government”.

The award, dished out annually, is intended to celebrate politicians who continue Ms May’s legacy.

“Clearly hate is a prized asset for potential recipients,” our awards specialist notes, “if you can punish people based on accident of birth, while having the power to do the opposite, you’re in the running.”

Myopic vision. Low emotional IQ. Cunning. Sociopathy. Hypocrisy. A love of imagining vulnerable children crying. These are all seen as assets whenever it’s time to decide who will get the gong this year.

“We call it the Bleeding Heart, that’s the award’s nickname. Let no one tell you Theresa May doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just look at her sterling efforts with the Go Home Vans.”

And the winner of the award for 2020 certainly has all the required attributes to win the Bleeding Heart, and some would say, more to offer still.

“It’s the work she is doing with refugees that really focused the award committee’s one lone, roving eye onto Priti Patel. To be able to drive through such a pitiless policy, such an agenda devoid of historical memory for the horrors committed on others in decades past? That is some achievement.”

But there will be a change this year when Ms Patel stoops to collect her award.

“We’re going to have the crowd involved at the moment Priti wraps her hands around the coveted bleeding heart. The entire audience is going to shout in unison ‘We had a whole world war about this and everyone was invited!’. It’ll bring that touch of irony for which the British are famous.”

“You’re destroying the economy with lockdowns!” Cry MPs who want to destroy the economy with Brexit

THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF HUMAN HYPOCRISY : Tory MPs are making themselves heard over the plans to bring in some kind of lockdown again in England.

Twitter, Facebook, the state broadcaster and various channels are currently constipated with swivel eyed Tory MPs demanding that people be allowed to die as nature intended. Even though the rules have clearly been redesigned to allow them to carry on living just as they like.

“Sometimes a virus comes to clear out the poor,” Des Face Eating Lizard MP said yesterday to a range of client journalists, “sometimes it does it really fast. Sometimes it’s a bacteria. That’s nature.”

And while some are aghast at how fully the mask has slipped from the Caring Conservatives, and their general disregard for human life, others are celebrating the possibility to use the schism for grift.

“All channels are also full of self-appointed experts who just don’t care if your parents die,” our burning planet analyst reports, “which is nice. I mean if you can make money peddling misinformation and conspiracy theories, that’s a damn sight easier than working for a living. You might even get elected to office. It’s a bloody puzzle while our country is in such a mess. Someone should look into it. And then legislate to stop it.”

But whether or not the growing rebellion in Mr Johnson’s party can be contained is about as clear yet as to whether or not school children will be made to stay in school long enough for worried parents to catch Covid.

“It’s a travesty,” a cabinet insider told LCD Views, “we’ve spent years working to destroy the UK economy with Brexit, and then fragment the country into its constituent parts. After that we’ll look for someone to blame. But we never foresaw Covid. It’s doing our work for us. Well more correctly, the mismanagement of it is doing the work of Brexit. What will be left for Brexit?”

I guess this is what you get when you elect disaster capitalists to office. Some just don’t want a quick disaster, some want it tantric. That’s where the smart money is.

“If we feed hungry kids we’ll have an oversupply of professional footballers” – Tory MPs

LESS IS MORE : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM made a bold mark yesterday against the avalanche of snowflakery that threatens to undermine the character of the country’s deprived children.

They did this by voting down a motion from the opposition calling for them to feed children. Never has the moral character of the government been more tested than when faced with the gaunt and hungry faces of innocents who could do with a square meal.

“We had to make a stand,” Tory peer Lord Bastard of Bastard on Bastard told LCD Views, “you feed a starving child one day and he’ll just be back with the begging bowl the next. We didn’t spend the last ten years inflicting austerity unnecessarily on the country just to have to feed the poor children. They need to go out and find a proper job. It’s not our fault they chose their accident of birth so poorly.”

Exactly what work the hungry beggars should do isn’t entirely clear, as the job boom to come from Brexit doesn’t properly kick off until next year. Fruit picking, racketeering and so on.

“If they’ve got the nous to lift themselves out of poverty than they’ll club together and form a PPE company. Or they could be a Test and Trace consultant for seven grand a day. Perhaps a customs agent?” Bastard suggests.

“Don’t be a nurse though. Bugger all money in it.”

Clearly the options are plentiful and the need to avoid a life long dependency on food must be considered.

“You can imagine how rum it will get if we feed them a Christmas dinner?” Bastard finishes, “and if we keep feeding them through their schooling? They maybe able to focus on their studies or chosen sport. We could end up with an oversupply of professional footballers in the country.”

Have you been mis-sold a “world beating” Covid-19 track and trace service?

I HERD IT ON THE GRIFTVINE : LCD VIEWS’ imaginary law firm, LCD Law, has begun placing adverts in all major media outlets (and one or two minor ones, like the BBC) and wants to hear from you.

The subject is the United Kingdom’s Covid-19 track and trace service, which was sold to the country by some posh sounding old Etonians as “world beating”. And sold for a steal.

If you have been mis-sold the service you maybe liable for a no win no fee claim as part of our group action.

Already potential and completely fictitious clients are jamming our non-existent phone lines and filling up our inbox. Which makes a nice change from the deluge of spam we normally have to wade through to find the one or two genuine attempts at communication.

“I was told it was being ramped up,” Ms Citizen, 2020 Wotthefuk Lane, WTF on Sea, tells LCD Law, “but when I caught cold and opened my curtains all I could see was a shiny suited executive laughing at the contract Little Matty Hancock had handed them. No penalty clauses for poor deliverance? You’re having a laugh.”

And Ms Citizen is not alone.

“I saw billions of my hard earned tax money just vanish into the coffers of Serco and friends and nothing much come back,” Mr Citizen complains, “except Dido Harding looking confused.”

And even now, 10 months into the pandemic, there’s half an app and nowt much else to show for all the money you have poured into the ramped up private enterprise tasked with delivering, or not delivering the service.

“Anyone would think they’re trying to keep us outraged and confused while they pursue a pseudo science based idea of herd immunity,” Ms Citizen frowns, “but they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Not the caring Conservatives. That would be the actions of insecure men, overfed on privilege to compensate for their abandonment issues, who believe disaster capitalism is for the win.”

Tory Party conference scraps ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ after no MPs qualify

RIGHT FOOT FORWARD : THE VIRTUAL CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE HAS BEEN MET WITH MORE THAN A FEW GLITCHES.

Most notable have been the frequent blue screen events in the middle of cabinet member speeches. Although some suggest that the outages may have been deliberate, in order to safeguard the mental health of the audience, and the country in general.

But one conference failure has been far from virtual and all too real.

The ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ was to be a centrepiece of the conference, with MPs such as Matt Hancock and Christ Grayling favoured to seize the coveted trophy, with James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen tipped as likely outsiders in a many horse race.

“We’ve had to cancel the award ceremony,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is a shame as we spent a lot of hard earned taxpayer’s money having one of Margaret Thatcher’s pumps gold plated.”

The cancelling of the ceremony will have knock on effects. While ‘the golden shoelace’ is the most coveted prize for excellence available, there were also numerous runner up prizes set to be dished out.

“I think the criteria was too tough,” the source muses, “the bar too high. We should really have set the demand at being able to just really believe you can tie your own shoelaces, alongside an ability to source them from a firm set up last week by a mate of a cabinet minister. Actual evidence of ability was clearly going to disqualify everyone from the most obscure puppet parachuted into a constituency we didn’t expect to win, all the way to giant brain PM Cummings.”

But what will take the place of the award ceremony now?

“Some have suggested an actual tutorial on shoelace tying would be appropriate. But that’s essentially treason, to suggest we’re not up to it. I think instead we’ll just move the goal posts really wide next time to ensure lessons are learned and we all still get our rewards, in spite of the failure.”

No changes planned, but business as usual then.

Government says “Rule of Six” will be enforced by grouse shooting parties patrolling streets

BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.

They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.

“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”

But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.

“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”

The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.

“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”

Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.