Quaint Tory MP looks forward to being labelled ‘moderate’ once new Tory MPs start talking

GOVERNMENT OF THE LOONS : JACOB REES-MOGG ESQ, re-elected last Thursday by the good people of North-East Somerset, has spoken optimistically about what he expects from the new parliament.

“To be seen as the voice of reason and moderation,” Mr Mogg told LCD Views, via an interpreter, “it’s hard to imagine there are too many Grieves, Gaukes and Soubry’s in the new intake of Tory MPs. Just imagine what sort of character watches us in action the last few years and thinks, I’ll have me some of that hot action, baby?”

And while Mr Mogg’s attempt at hip talk is distracting, he has a point.

“Mark Francois has a majority of about 31,000,” our election analyst, Mr Moving Toireland comments, “I mean, it’s hard to fathom how that happens? And how it keeps happening? So if the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford can do that, and keep doing it since 2001, what does it tell you about what will have happened now that Labour voters have gone clinically insane?”

That’s a point made even stronger by the fact that many of the candidates selected to break the ‘red wall’ may not have been vetted that carefully.

“Cannon fodder, the lot of them, but now it seems cheerful bouncing bombs,” our analyst continues, “Mr Johnson can get out of the dead cat game and move on to governing for US private health interests, as expected. Once the new parliament is up and pumping we’ll have plenty of spontaneous felinicide to distract us.”

Whether or not Mr Rees-mogg will enjoy being seen as a sensible, middle of the road bit of lobby fodder, remains to be seen.

“You’ll be welcome of his calming presence,” our analyst shrugs, “sometime next February when the new MP for some town in the north that even the north has forgotten about, starts demanding we depth charge the French fishing fleet, you’ll be relieved to hear someone attempt to calm things down with some latin they learned while lying to the Queen.”

Boris Johnson novelty fridge magnets designed to only stick to fridges on the inside

STICK ‘EM WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE : THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY KNOWS BUSINESS and they know when they’re onto a money spinning winner.

And there’s no better time to make money than when on a general election campaign. It’s not just the donations flooding in from individuals who would rather fund a political party than the NHS. It’s also the merchandising possibilities. They are endless.

“The campaign is paying for itself, with a profit,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “just the VHS sales of Boris Johnson ripping off ‘Love Actually’ alone will pay for several new letter boxes in the Cayman Islands. So too the eco-friendly coffee cups, modelled by Mr Johnson himself on the steps of the short hop aircraft he uses to avoid traffic.”

But VHS tapes and coffee cups aren’t the only collectibles on offer. The campaign is also reacting to events as they occur and monetising them immediately.

“There’s the special range of Boris Tonka trucks, they’re for sale now and will make the perfect Christmas gift for the spoiled brat in your life. You can’t build anything with them, which is fitting, but you can certainly demolish a GP surgery or two,” the source advises, “and now we’re manufacturing Boris Johnson fridge magnets to capitalise on his hide ‘n seek job from GMB this morning. This happened while he was basically trolling the entire UK by pretending to be a milkman. He hid inside a fridge. Which made for some fun for all the boys and girls. Where’s Boris? He was here just a moment ago? Has that reporter got anything to do with his disappearance?”

This sounds great. There’s always an accountant or lawyer’s bill that needs sticking to the fridge, to ensure one’s tax arrangements remain efficient.

“Yes. Fun and useful. Not every day you get to say that about Boris Johnson. And best of all is the slogan on the magnets.”

What is it?

“Stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.”

Matt Hancock placed in medical coma after bruising encounter with the truth

WHY WALK INTO A LAMP POST WHEN A HAND WILL DO : Healthy Secretary Matt Hancock has been famous for receiving £32,000 pounds from a think tank seeking to abolish the NHS for some time, but now he’s adding other strings to his stringy little bow.


“He’s nailed social media,” our campaign analyst nods approvingly, “have you seen his videos? Journey of the haunted man. Quite compelling. Or is it the journey of the empty vessel? I guess given that he invoked the actual war dead from WW2 as part of his joke play to be PM, and then reversed his stance regarding prorogation for short term careerism, well, empty maybe more appropriate.”

But he wasn’t finished there. The high points keep coming.

“Yes. Now he’s gotten involved in the Leeds Infirmary story. The Tories needed something to show they care about the NHS and sick kids. Which they don’t. Quite clearly, or they wouldn’t have spent the last ten years underfunding the NHS and cutting resources to children’s services,

“Anyway, I digress. The story of a four year old with suspected pneumonia was just the ticket. And what timing too! As they suddenly needed a way to distract from Boris Johnson stealing a reporter’s phone as the reporter attempted to show that bloated blonde bag of fetid wall spaff an image of the four year old. Here the head begins eating the tail of course,”


“So little Matt was dispatched to Leeds Infirmary for the first time in his life to show he was action Matt. And what luck when he got there to find a few Labour activists. Now all the party of government, that’s been waging economic war against the country’s most vulnerable for years, needed to do was find a way to convert the whole thing into the perception of them being under attack. They did this by having one of Matt Hancock’s aides walk blindly into the back of a man’s hand. Then they claimed assault. Then Kuenssberg and Peston, and others, went off like little puppies with a treat to yap the news to everyone.”

Then the video of the event emerged?

“Yes. Funny. Given how enthusiastic Little Matt is about putting videos on social media that it didn’t occur to them that someone may video the event and put it on social media.”

Didn’t occur to two of the country’s most highly paid ‘reporters’ either.

Funny that. The truth will out. If the latest bit of GE farce makes you wonder if the Tories are just making everything up as they go along in a desperate spin cycle, then you’re probably right. I wonder what they’ll go on to make up if they’re allowed to keep running the country?

Donald Trump to perform lobotomy on Matt Hancock to prove selling the NHS to him is safe

YOU WON’T NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE: When the cool kids at CCHQ need a bright eyed boy to use as a useful idiot they’ve many choices nowadays, but none as bright eyed as little Matt “men who died on the beaches” Hancock.

“Right from the moment little Matty invoked the war dead in a cynical attempt to become head monkey in the scat shower we knew he’d do anything for us,” a new source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “I mean if you’ve that little principle you are Grade A modern Conservative. So Matt is the right choice for what we like to think of as a thought experiment crossed with real theatre.”

And real theatre it will be early next month when Donald Trump lands on these shores to interfere directly in the UK GE 2019.

“We’re still choosing the place to hold the event. Potentially on Downing Street. Although Matt is pushing for somewhere outdoors with statues to the heroes of the past in the background.”

But while the place is yet to be decided, the action is nailed down and bolted.

“Matt will walk solemnly to the stage holding a toast rack and wearing a standard hospital gown. Then he will lay down on a trestle table hung with Union Jack bunting.”

At this moment Donald Trump’s motorcade will arrive and the bigliest brain of them all enter the scene.

“Donald will be wearing a t-shirt branded with US private health companies logos. He’ll be holding a small hammer and what will look like an ice pick, but is actually a surgical instrument. From there it will be a simply matter of pausing dramatically for impact, before he does the deed.”

It’s thought no one will notice any difference in Mr Hancock’s behaviour after he is lobotomised.

“And that’s the secret to why it will make such a convincing argument that selling the NHS lock stock to US corporate health will be as safe as houses. After all, Donald did it to himself years ago and look at him now?”

Tories defend setting up fake Labour manifesto website saying “we’ll fake our own manifesto too”

PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED : The Centre for Advanced Lying and Chicanery, generally called CCHQ, has hit back today at criticism it attempted to deceive the public over the Labour Party’s manifesto.

“Well it’s not like we can campaign on our record in government,” a bemused insider told LCD Views, “honestly, people are so idealistic. Lying is all we’ve got. So we’ve got to use it. Fair’s fair.”

But the plea for reasonableness is unlikely to get them much sympathy, as hoodwinking is now their only modus operandi.

“It worked a treat in the advisory referendum campaign in 2016,” he went on, “you’ve probably forgotten the £350m lie on that Boris bus. The invasion of the Turks. The Breaking Point poster that the old scallywag Nigel used to leverage a nostalgia for WW2 race based propaganda to such good effect.”

No. We haven’t. In fact the unpunished deception and racism used to gain the marginal win in the poll, riddled with lawbreaking, is unforgettable.

“It’s only reasonable that we should use the same immoral strategy now. It’s not like we can run on mass expansion of the food bank sector! Ha! No matter how uplifting Victorian spindleturd Jacob finds them.”

But it makes an already uneven playing field a potholed zone of democratic nightmare.

“Which is just how we want it. Also to be completely unaccountable of course. But don’t worry, our own manifesto, if we ever bother to publish it, will be a total and utter complete fabrication too. You won’t be able to believe a word in it.”

Boris Johnson says he likes to make flood defences out of empty wine boxes

TITS ON A BULL : Boris Johnson continues to surf the wave of popular feeling today as he attempts to row about the political landscape and put clear water between himself and the pretenders to his throne.

But he has come in for some surprising criticism regarding the flooding of wherever it is, it’s not in the southeast, as the people of somewhere in England demand action is taken by the government to assist with the flooding of up north. It is up north, isn’t it?

“That’s their first mistake right there,” our Johnson watcher noted, “they assume there’s a government. The second mistake compounds the first, but assuming that even if Boris Johnson was attempting governance, that he would care about wherever it is. Well, haven’t they learned anything from ten years of Tory shenanigans?”

But even so, the blonde Aquaman of British political life is throwing them a bone. Let’s hope it floats.

“He’s going to do a Facepamphlet Live broadcast where he tells them what they decided at the Cobra meeting.”

That’s progress at least.

“Mostly they decided they needed Boris to look like he cares. He does of course. You should see the way he looks at himself in the mirror. He really cares a lot about his reflection. Imagine how much he would care if he gazed down into a still puddle of flood water?”

But surely some actual physical response is required? People have lost homes and livelihoods and the King of the south has just shrugged for days.

“Well this is where he gets the kudos,” the analyst advised, “Corbyn and Swinson have busied themselves fannying about Yorkshire, but Boris has now acted.”

What has he done?

“He’s made these little flood defences out of empty wine boxes. He’s even painted people playing with sandbags on the sides. He’s going to set them adrift outside Yorkshire later today.”

Tories put up vegetables shaped like willies for press interviews to reduce risk of embarrassment during GE

STOP MAKING TITS OF YOURSELF BE A VEGETABLE INSTEAD : THE EMBATTLED CONSERVATIVE PARTY has taken steps to stop car crash interviews during the GE campaign.

“We’re stopping talking. At least to the media,” a ‘Source’ inside the 1922 Committee told LCD Views, “no one is allowed to talk anymore. Especially not Boris. Or James. Or Matt. And definitely not Mogg.”

Under the new strategy, which is certain to succeed, the fruit and vegetable sellers of the UK will be asked to turn over any vegetable that looks like a willy.

“I suppose spuds will be best, as they’ve a greater shelf life. Once they start with those little sprouty bits from the eyes then it’ll be an even greater distraction. You won’t get as long out of a banana I suppose. Maybe a few appearances on Marr? But anything to stop Conservative Party candidates talking to Barnett or Burley. The swivel eyed membership may not be too bothered about bald faced lying and lack of understanding of our own policies, but slowly the bloody moderates are drifting away, without saying anything, out the door. A good fruit display will dam the flood.”

But critics of the scheme, internal and external, have pointed out that potatriots Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen have been giving interviews for years now. As such this is not a new comms strategy and already blighted.

Nonetheless you can look forward to a turnip standing in for Matt Hancock later today and getting an easy ride on the BBC.

Boris Johnson says he often confuses taxpayers’ money with toilet paper and only realises after flushing

BARGE ARSING FOR BRITAIN : Btitain’s outgoing Prime Spaffminster, Boris ‘de Spaffle’ Johnson has spoken out today about a visual problem, in the hope of identifying fellow sufferers.

“You see what I do is I take a great big dump,” Mr Johnson revealed, “a kind of, a, a, a policy dump. I dream up ways to spend the money in the public purse that I think will make me look great and then I flush! Wahey! Hazzah!”

But while prolifically wasting hard earned taxpayers’ money is all very well, and right for a Brexiter, the visual problem is more personal.

“I just can’t tell the difference,” Mr Johnson shrugs, on camera, then flexes his arms, “I see money in the exchequer and I think, crickey, I’ll have some of that fine, hand crafted toilet paper. Carrie doesn’t tell me it’s not toilet paper! Honestly, what good is a relationship with a bit of totty half your age if she can’t tell you you’re wiping your bum with paper other than that paper specifically designed for the purpose? I hear Pericles had exactly the same problem!”

But what does Mr Johnson plan to do about it?

“Well, I’ve wasted millions on Brexit coinage. I’ve wasted over a £100m on propaganda on billboards. I wasted just buckets of public cash as London Mayor. I seem to have flung some spare change at a lively American lass. You tell me? I’m running out of ideas! Perhaps start a land war in South-East Asia? You know, something bloody expensive, but ultimately winnable.”

No. About the toilet paper?

“Oh, well, I’ll just have to start double flushing. A crisp fifty tends to get stuck in the S-bend. Much like the country. I intend to flush that away too. Huzzah!”

Boris Johnson runs marathon under two hours fleeing Jennifer Arcuri inquiry by London Assembly

DON’T STOP MOVING : They seek him here, they seek him there, those lawyers, they seek him everywhere.

Embattled British Prime Minister, Boris ‘Shagger’ Johnson, has broken the marathon speed record, set only yesterday, by Eliud Kipchoge in Vienna. And he’s done so with no pacers or lasers, just his own will and determination to remain free. Oh, and a route marked out by Dom ‘Short’ Cummings.

While official confirmation is still to be handed down by the relevant authorities (as with most things Boris), we can confirm that the blonde streak of something ran the 26.2 miles in 1hr 30mins.

Hair dancing in the wind, arms flailing by his side, he could perhaps improve on the time if he had better physical form.

“He’s still running,” our sporting chance correspondent says, “he was last seen crossing the Pont Hafren, and is expected to leave mainland UK later today and race across a mind bridge on the sea.”

His actual target destination isn’t clear, but the motivation for the blistering speed allegedly is.

“He’s legging it from the GLA inquiry into his relationship with the Bill Gates of pole dancing, Jennifer Arcuri,” our correspondent informs, “it’s likely he will cross Ireland and continue across the Atlantic. We expect he will make landfall on the east coast of the United States before month end.”

We would advise Boris Johnson takes a sharp turn as he approaches continental North America and goes south. Touching down in the USA may time with the culmination of the impeachment proceedings of Donald Trump and he wouldn’t want to find himself embroiled in all that too.

The only question is will the GLA be fast enough to catch up with Mr Johnson? It’ll have to be quick because Brexit realities are already hot on his heels and closing in from all sides.

We’re not sure what time Mr Johnson will eventually record, or serve up, but there’s the ever growing feeling that his time is almost up…

Tory conference hall exit stampede as Priti Patel declares government is coming after the criminals

FILES BAKED IN CAKES : DISGRACED FORMER INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT SECRETARY Priti Patel caused a stampede for the exits during her landmark speech to conference this afternoon.

Insiders close to the Home Secretary said she at first thought members were standing to give her an ovation. But it quickly became apparent they were legging it as fast as their arthritic legs would carry them.

“It was right after she declared the Tories were once again the party of law and order,” the insider reveals, “and they were coming after the criminals.”

How Ms Patel thought this a credible gambit for a major conference speech is anyone’s guess.

She was after all herself forced to stand down from cabinet under Theresa May for operating her own clandestine foreign policy agenda.

“Don’t forget to mention she was also part of Vote Leave, found to have broken electoral laws. Not that that in anyway undermines her credibility on law and order. In fact it makes her an expert.”

But going back for the high ground on law and order is smart politics, not only because of Priti’s personal history, chequered at best.

“The government has been found to have unlawfully suspended Parliament. It was also held in contempt of parliament. It has also slashed the police and other services. Never mind its slightly wishy washy CV on going after tax dodgers. They keep illegally selling arms to Saudi Arabia too. She needs to go right back after that chalice of justice and hold it high.”

There’s also the matter of numerous Tory MPs now having had to stand down following criminal convictions and one still facing trial.

“The Party is definitely overflowing with knowledge regarding criminality. No doubt about it.”

Quite how an MP that has previously been forced to stand down from cabinet for reasons such as those that once removed Ms Patel can still be allowed to rise again? And back to cabinet is anyone’s guess.

“It may just be our entire system needs an overhaul.”

Just maybe.