Downing Street gives contract to make 10,000 hoovers to British ventilator manufacturer

REINVENTING THE WHEEL AFTER THE ROAD RACE HAS STARTED : DOWNING STREET IS thrilled to announce today that it has settled on which tax exiled billionaire, Brexit supporting businessman to build ventilators.

“After following the findings of the 2016 study into our country’s preparedness to meet a pandemic crisis with a respiratory illness, and ignoring those findings, we have now decided to give a giant contract to make ventilators to a guy that makes vacuum cleaners,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the chap also makes hand dryers that blast microbes into the faces of users. He’s the perfect fit.”

But while no one should mistake our intent, and we are bloody happy there’s to be more ventilators, regardless of source, as lives will be saved, why an actual British ventilator manufacturer wasn’t asked to mass supply earlier is ticklish.

“Well, they can now make vacuum cleaners and hand dryers,” the 10 Downing Street source shrugged, “design them from scratch like old Dyson. Genius. And given our complete and total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, we’re going to have a bloody great big clean up to do afterwards. In fact, the biggest demand will be for brooms and rugs. A lot will have to be swept under a lot of rugs.”

It is hoped that the Dyson brand ventilators won’t need to be hung on a wall to recharge midway through the job.

“At least you can be sure that these are patriotic ventilators made by a British patriot offshoring in Singapore,” the source added, “and not some dodgy continental job, the like of which may have been available if we’d accepted the EU invitation for involvement in their continent wide procurement process.”

Stick a Union Jack on it and breathe in and then breathe out. Let’s just hope Dyson’s redesigned wheel doesn’t suck and is delivered ahead of time.

UK not in EU medical schemes because UK Gov will do “whatever it takes” to beat Covid-19, but it won’t do that

MEATLOAF AS A FORM OF GOVERNMENT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has put itself behind the national shield wall and faced the threat from the invading Coronavirus, and pledged to do “whatever it takes” to beat the virus.

“In terms of our efforts we’re practicing social distancing,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “we’ve told people to stay home, but not those people. We’ve told our NHS staff they’ll have all the resources and equipment they need, so long as they pop along to B&Q before their shift and buy their own PPE. It goes on like this. Our efforts are socially distanced from each other. There’s still plenty of room for CV-19 to waltz right through. But we’re not practicing ‘herd immunity’ still. Well, not officially, maybe by default?”

But what about criticism that the UK government is refusing to participate in EU procurement schemes to buy ventilators, protective gear for hospital staff or Coronavirus testing kits?

“Well, we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus and save the lives of British citizens, but we won’t do that. It may save time, money and lives to do it but it would undermine Brexit. We have to look to the future. And everyone knows that a British built ventilator is the only one that can move British oxygen in and about of British lungs. Foreign chaps and their machines can’t do that.”

Well that’s all perfectly sensible. I’m sure if you held a referendum on the strategy you’d get the support of a majority. What snappy title have you given it?

“Meatloaf,” the source replied, “we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus, but we won’t do that.”

AD 1348 and King Boris of Uxbridge suggests serfs take the Black Death “on the chin”

A GOVERNMENT OF THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS : ENGLAND AD 1348 – Faced with a looming public health emergency King Boris de piffle Johnson, of Uxbridge and South Tongueslip, ordered his golden throne set up in a Westminster square and addressed his people.

“Get Dying Done!” King Boris roared at the filth stained masses, in another sign that government by hard right populists and deceit quickly reduces satirists to a daily, binary choice between gallows humour and mere commentary (not every day, just many).

“Those pustules erupting in your groin, just give them a stab with something sharp. They’ll soon be gone. The cough wracking your chest? Try and cough over your neighbours, before they nail their front doors shut. This new curse was sent by God to reduce lines in my brow. Each one of you, endlessly moaning as you dig in the filth, you are a furrow on my brow. I do not care to till. I want my brow as flawless as the skin of my young mistresses.”

The decision to let the plague just run its course made a lot of sense.

“It will take care of the social care problem! Our Abbeys are overflowing with lepers. I told you I had a plan! It’ll solve the housing market by freeing up the homes of many elderly. And just think of the boost to the economy once the equity of all those inheritances is released into the wife markets of our towns and villages? It really is a blessing, this new form of death, it’s not a curse. And besides, I would rather spend my time in private consideration of my majesty, and affairs, I prefer it if God takes care of you.”

The choice also took care of the difficult problem of how do you convince a populace, so many of whom are willingly dumbed down by the distractions of bread and endless circuses, to show a little spirit and look to each other for a week or two? Before their own interests are directly threatened?

Too thorny a knot. The King has seen the recent Revolt of Bogroll hill.

Get Dying Done! Take it on the chin! There’s a good people. King Boris is busy and bored with you, he has heirs to produce.

The shepherd cares not to tend his flock, but let the wolves of pestilence loose among it.

They say a country gets the government it deserves, perhaps after the scourge of illness has run its course, the country might once again decide to deserve something better than government by cranks and chancers, fronts for the new feudal barons of our time…

Downing Street says a mixture of electoral crime and a catchy slogan will “Get Coronavirus Done”


“We’re the envy of everyone, especially the chaps across the channel,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “this is why we don’t need to be part of that bloody EU pandemic talking shop. Waste of time. We’re Global Britain. I’d be surprised if the Coronavirus doesn’t just fall flat on its face when it hits our shores. A pint of warm bitter will do for a Corona any day of the week.”

But not to be accused of complacency the leadership of Brexitannia is putting various measures in place to bolster the natural fortitude of the indigenous population.

“Boris has been on television lying about a hospital visit,” the source shrugs, “that’ll keep Twitter distracted for days. And if it’s necessary he’ll ad lib some more bollocks. Basically we’ll just keep everyone chasing their tails until the pandemic fades away. Summer will kill the bugs. It’s essentially a matter of passing time till then.”

But what if the crisis really grips the country?

“Then a snap election. No one will notice the bodies piling up if we all have to go and vote again,” the source smirks, “a mixture of electoral crime and a catchy slogan will completely do for everyone.”

Get Coronavirus Done!

“That’s the one.”

And if that doesn’t work?

“Then we will release the Black Death to stalk the land once again. A proper British disease. Feel the pride swell in your chest. None of that foreign muck.”

You’ll feel the pride swell in your groin too.

“Now, now, there’s no need to get low brow.”

Fears over Boris Johnson’s safety increase after child lock discovered on Downing Street fridge

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Boris Johnson is not a man to be missed about. Warning bells sounded when a Downing Street staffer inadvertently revealed that the PM’s fridge has a child lock.

Johnson has been reported MIA, or possibly missing in inaction. It is a bit of a long shot, but it looks possible that he was asked a difficult question at work. Something like, “Do you have any plans to visit flooded areas of the country?”. His normal course of action is to conceal himself within a cold storage unit until the panic dies down. Unfortunately it appears that he was unable to get out again.

Nobody, it seems, can open the fridge. None of the dogsbodies and yes men have managed to crack the code, even “Classic” Dom Cummings has struggled (if not for very long).

What they really need is a child. Unfortunately they are banned from Number Ten in case they turn out to be Boris’s.

In desperation, members of the Cabinet were called in to help. Dominic Raab failed to realise the significance, and retreated, sweaty, temple vein throbbing, to the sanctuary of the House of Commons bar. Jacob Rees-Mogg instructed his under-butler to release the lock, but he turned out to be more Wooster than Jeeves. Priti Patel, realising that the fridge was not of British make, simply deported it.

Meanwhile the sack of Britain is being achieved without its idiot in chief. The longer Boris Johnson remains AWOL, the less likely any parliamentary business can be carried out, and the more looting and pillaging can be done by the unelected bureaucrats running the shitshow.

The fridge was well stocked with champagne and nibbles, so Johnson is unlikely to have starved to death.

The Fire Brigade has been called, but has not yet turned up as it has the unenviable job of putting out a country on fire.

Johnson may go down on record as the coolest prime minister of all time.

Matt Hancock to train 40,000 new nurses as trade negotiators

File Under ‘Irritable Duncan Syndrome’ : Brexit Britain is going to need to see nurse a lot and it’s going to need a lot of nurses on the front line, happily Matt Hancock has the solution (all the time).

“It wasn’t easy to swallow my hypocrisy,” the UK’s health boss told a scantily clad press conference earlier today, “having invoked the war dead in the service of my leadership ambitions, I then had to do a regulation about face when it was clear it wasn’t my time to lead the Conservative Party, but Dominic Cummings’.”

“I almost needed a nurse, until I realised my elevated pulse and temperature was just a mild dose of hypo-crisis. Once I accepted that prorogation of parliament, unlawful as it turned out, would please those boys who died on those beaches, the symptoms receded, much like my conscience.”

So far, so good, but what’s this got to do with trade negotiations?

“I like finding solutions. Optum, that giant US private health insurer, some say they could be a solution to future NHS funding, but I couldn’t possibly comment. To sell out the NHS to US private health interests would be to go against everything those men died on those beaches for. I’ll probably say that. We will have to wait and see when I’m not an entirely imagined Matt, like now, but the Matt of the future.”

There’s absolutely no risk to the NHS by allowing a US private health company to assess the risk categories of patients. It’s not like it’s part of some long term plan to raid the equity of Brits over 55, even though US interests have allegedly identified private home ownership of the over 55’s as the UK’s biggest asset store. Imagine if people needed to sell their homes to pay for health care? Like they sometimes do in the US…imagine if the party of government had many MPs with links to US health insurers?

“And now I see IDS has a problem that needs a solution,” Matt wandered on, “well I have the solution. Iain says we don’t have sufficient skill at trade negotiation. That we need to call in the experts. That now the brain dead, empire fetishising Brexit MPs have shoved through their project thanks to industrial scale psychological manipulation of a vulnerable electorate, and a certain amount of disregarded electoral crime, that it’s time to get the people who said ‘Don’t do it!’ back in house to carry the project forward. Who better to blame? Ha! Well I say stop. Stop right there. Why waste valuable public resources when I’m already working on the fix.”

Which is?

“There’s no need to hire expensive trade negotiators. I’ll just train those 40,000 new nurses in trade negotiation. It’s not like it’s brain surgery. Which is exactly what I’m also proposing to train them to do. The doctor will see you now? No. Nurse will. She charges less.”

Johnson “Got Brexit Done” toilet paper for sale at Conservative Party shop – “for when you do a Brexit too”

POLITICAL GASTROENTERITIS: The Conservative Party maybe a little hard up for funds currently but thankfully they’re a party of natural businessmen.

“We’re selling a range of consumables to keep ourselves in funds and in power,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can rely on offshore media owners to keep manufacturing the consent of the downtrodden, that’s true, so long as offshore tax arrangements remain efficient, but that doesn’t mean we can’t apply a little old fashioned, Conservative will do to the matter.”

To this end the party is selling items for you to buy to keep them in the black.

“Not something we normally want to be! Ha!” The spokesman added, “although to be fair our ability for bigotry does extend to all people misfortunate enough not to be born in England. And you can help us by buying toilet paper. Not just any toilet paper. Boris Johnson, ‘Got Brexit Done’, toilet paper. When you wipe in the mornings think of Boris and feel the pressure ease.”

But while there will be a full range of everyday items for you to buy, one or two obvious consumables will be missing.

“There won’t be any Johnson themed condoms. Who uses the bloody things anyway? Not one of nature’s natural pollinators. Oh, and there won’t be any Johnson themed cleaning products. No need to clean up a mess, just keep moving onwards. But there will be a Johnson guide to fatherhood available soon, but it won’t include any help in numbering your children. Those sort of details only distract. It will include handy tips on how to play hide and seek. Not with your children. But definitely with their mothers. This man is now running the country, can you believe it?”

But what price point will the toilet paper retail at?

“How much money have you got? However much that is. After Brexit, you’ll need it. The toilet paper will be cheap, cheaply made, be careful you don’t put your fingers through it! Got your Brexit done? It’s a daily event. Now you’ve something appropriate to wipe away the evidence of it.”

JOHNSON GOVERNMENT makes the day it REJECTED reuniting CHILD refugees with their families a bank holiday!

WHO HOSTED THE OLYMPICS IN 2012 SURELY IT WASN’T THIS PLACE : THE 8TH JANUARY is a proud day in our country’s story and you should now mark it in your diaries, year in and year out.

“It’s a proud day for liberal, tolerant, outward looking Global Britain,” Mr Kipper Kippering, MP for Kippers, junior minister in the new Department for the Kipperfication of [Little] Britain told LCD Views. And wasn’t he just red of face and beaming.

“The 8th of the 1st is the day your People’s Government said NO! to child refugees!”

Isn’t he proud of himself. And everyone who voted for this government should be proud too. You’ve set your staff on the slender bridge of safety for lost children and said ‘No refugee children shall pass!’

A bold move for a country so fixated on arms sales.

“It’s shuts the bleeding heart, liberal snowflakes right up too,” Mr Kippering went on, “those folks who said Boris would change once he’s in office? Pah! He’ll change alright. Total power will make him able to separate families of all kinds without a backward glance. He’ll change? For the better? Mwahaha. I’m crying.”

But as much as some may criticise the move and suggest even that it adds wait to the argument that Brexit is an inherently racist project, Mr Kippering has a ready retort.

“Have we caged them? NO. We’re not letting them set foot here to begin with. I guess we best check none of them are white? They’re aren’t any white refugee children are there? Oh no, wait, that doesn’t matter, given we’re setting in store making thousands and thousands of EU27 families illegal. Whack ho! Global Britain! Here we go!”

Get out the RED WHITE AND BLUE bunting Britons. You’ve changed the humanitarian standards you’re governed by and there’s still a long way to go.

Nicky Morgan given a peerage and tube of full mint toothpaste to try and wash its taste out

KEEP SCRUBBIN’ : NEWLY CREATED LIFE PEER NICKY MORGAN is said to be permanently at the bathroom sink this week attempting to wash the taste of her career out.

The problem appears to stem from doing whatever it took to stay on the green benches. And now to get up to the red ones in the House of Lords. No amount of hypocrisy or contradiction of her own stated principles has been too low to go, and now she’s been rewarded.

“We all remember the heart warming scenes of her madly guffawing alongside Boris Johnson in the last democratically elected parliament of the (former) United Kingdom,” a Downing Street source commented, “as the country slid into the sewer of lies and confusion and Nicky clapped along with the best of them. That’s the extra mile right there. It’s got to be rewarded. You see what happened to all those idiots like Soubry and Allen. Where are they now?”

How long Mrs Morgan will stay in her cabinet post, now that she can just slum about the Lords, is not yet certain.

“Well it no longer seems likely that there’s a moral boundary Mr Johnson can cross that will see her leave with the best of them,” the source shrugged, “and complex maths, at least as far as the NHS is concerned, doesn’t appear to be a problem either. So we will just have to wait and see. There could be no depth he could plumb that will be too low.”

LCD Views would like to congratulate Morgan on navigating a tricky path between her conscience and ambition. We trust that in time the bad taste will fade.

Quaint Tory MP looks forward to being labelled ‘moderate’ once new Tory MPs start talking

GOVERNMENT OF THE LOONS : JACOB REES-MOGG ESQ, re-elected last Thursday by the good people of North-East Somerset, has spoken optimistically about what he expects from the new parliament.

“To be seen as the voice of reason and moderation,” Mr Mogg told LCD Views, via an interpreter, “it’s hard to imagine there are too many Grieves, Gaukes and Soubry’s in the new intake of Tory MPs. Just imagine what sort of character watches us in action the last few years and thinks, I’ll have me some of that hot action, baby?”

And while Mr Mogg’s attempt at hip talk is distracting, he has a point.

“Mark Francois has a majority of about 31,000,” our election analyst, Mr Moving Toireland comments, “I mean, it’s hard to fathom how that happens? And how it keeps happening? So if the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford can do that, and keep doing it since 2001, what does it tell you about what will have happened now that Labour voters have gone clinically insane?”

That’s a point made even stronger by the fact that many of the candidates selected to break the ‘red wall’ may not have been vetted that carefully.

“Cannon fodder, the lot of them, but now it seems cheerful bouncing bombs,” our analyst continues, “Mr Johnson can get out of the dead cat game and move on to governing for US private health interests, as expected. Once the new parliament is up and pumping we’ll have plenty of spontaneous felinicide to distract us.”

Whether or not Mr Rees-mogg will enjoy being seen as a sensible, middle of the road bit of lobby fodder, remains to be seen.

“You’ll be welcome of his calming presence,” our analyst shrugs, “sometime next February when the new MP for some town in the north that even the north has forgotten about, starts demanding we depth charge the French fishing fleet, you’ll be relieved to hear someone attempt to calm things down with some latin they learned while lying to the Queen.”