Government says “Rule of Six” will be enforced by grouse shooting parties patrolling streets

BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.

They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.

“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”

But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.

“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”

The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.

“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”

Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.

Crowdfunder to pay the Tory Party to “just fuck off” raises £100bn in first half hour

MOONSHIT MOONSHOT : A CROWDFUNDER LAUNCHED this morning by an anonymous party, presumed to be “most of the country, definitely most of Scotland, NI and a lot of London”, has raised a blistering £100bn in the first 30 mins after launch.

The campaign’s aim is to raise enough money to convince the entire Tory Party to “just fuck off”, while there’s still something of the UK left to salvage. The timing is important, as it’s only a few months before Dominic Cummings replaces the Elizabeth Tower with a 350m statue of himself.

It’s hoped that more than the initial £100bn will be raised by the organisers, as a paltry £100bn is unlikely to be enough to convince the Tory Party to just fuck off while they can just pretend to wage war against Covid-19, while passing that much hard earned taxpayer’s cash and more out of the back door.

“We figure an even trillion pounds should do it,” one of the organisers emailed LCD Views to say, “it should at least be enough to convince Boris Johnson to just fuck off. Some of the ERG are more ideologically committed to the complete and utter destruction of the United Kingdom, so they may not come as cheap.”

However much is required it will certainly be money well spent.

“We were considering how much fuss the Tories made over that daft letter left in 2010 that said there’s no money left, and how there certainly won’t be once this current gang are finished looting the country. So it is worth donating. Cut our losses and hope they run.”

And the crowdfunder has an apt slogan to help advance its aims.

“Put your hand in your pocket before you find a Johnson in it.”

Covid-19 : Downing Street calls for Brits to ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’

CARRY ON COUGHING : It’s not just health and social care workers who are paying the price of Downing Street’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic.

“No one is stopping to think about the commercial landlords,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “some of the balance sheet forecasts are so horrifying some landlords risking having to get a real job. Oh the humanity!”

To assist the landlords Downing Street is expected to call for a national ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’, and anyone else who grows rich from property.

But while the national admiration and respect will almost certainly be welcome, if not justified, some landlords are said to be ready to bang down Downing Street’s door and demand more concrete action.

“People have to be forced back into office spaces Covid-19 or not,” a representative of an inheritance millionaire told LCD Views, “my family hasn’t worked since the Norman invasion of 1066. We don’t intend to start now, not so long as we can collect ever expanding, inflation busting rents. What good are claps? Have you seen any nurses banking claps? Keep your filthy hands as far apart as you like. If Johnson wants more donations he’ll have the army forcing in doors.”

It can only be hoped that Mr Johnson’s reply to the worried landlords, afraid that the free market may not save their balance sheets, won’t be “Fuck Commercial Landlords”, his standard response to pretty much everyone else negatively affected by his decisions.

As to who will lead the clap from the doors of Downing Street?

“Well it won’t be Carrie out with Boris, clearly, she’s allegedly fulfilled the terms of her alleged contract for another quarter,” the source advises, unreliably, “so it will have to be Robert Jenrick holding one hand and Richard Desmond holding the other.”

Perhaps they can put out a set of swings?

Tory MP demands school leavers write open letter of apology for ruining Prime Minister’s holiday

A* BY ANY HOLIDAY ALGORITHM : TORY MP for Foxbothering, Sir Cluster Fumble-sythe Othering, has published an open letter in the weekend press insisting that Prime Minister Boris Johnson deserves an apology.

The cause of the offence appears to be the apparent truncation of the PM’s thirty six week long break this year.

“It’s the students who are to blame,” Sir Othering says, “if the lower classes knew their place then the prime minister could have enjoyed his week yachting with that Russian businessman without distress. After Brexit there won’t be state schools. So that’s something.”

Sir Othering goes on to demand that “low born pupils, and their work shy parents” apply themselves to the matter of making “amends”.

“Can you imagine how upsetting it must be to finally get this week’s week off only for some pathetic squabble over grades to ruin it?” he adds.

“People no longer know their place. It is the ruin of Great Britain. Just look at the jocks!”

Sir Othering continues for a considerable time. The text eventually reaching the length of a novella.

And he has suggestions at the end for actions to follow the word sorry.

“A good dose of the clap,” he asserts, “that’s what the PM needs. I expect you all to give it to him. Every last ungrateful, barely literate one of you. 8pm tonight you are to give the prime minister the clap.”

It remains to be seen how deeply the MP’s demand resonates with the great unwashed, we will know at 8pm tonight and subsequently when the first post arrives at 10 Downing Street on Monday.

As footnote to the story Sir Othering followed up just before we went to print ourselves with a welcome clarification.

“The copy editor who prepared my piece mistakenly forgot to correct the assertion that the PM is yachting with a Russian. This is definitely not the case. The PM has been in a poorly erected tent that looks like it belongs in the 19th century on an angled cliff edge by the wind swept sea. With his mistress and someone’s baby.”

A further clarification is expected later regarding the parentage of the infant concerned. Happy holidays.

Johnson accused of cronyism as close friend made head of new Space Infrastructure Agency

DARTH STAR TURNS : Serial failure Darth Vader now has a cherry on top of his peerage cake after his appointment to head the newly created Space Infrastructure Agency.

“Eyebrows were already raised earlier this year when Mr Johnson elevated his long term friend, Darth Vader, to the Lords making him Lord Vader,” our Downing Street specialist, Mr Cronyism, reports, “and the accusations of favouritism will surface again with Mr Vader’s appointment to run the plum new agency.”

Lord Vader himself was said to be “ebullient” and “grinning from ear to ear, not that you’d notice” at the appointment and believes his track record speaks for itself.

“SIA is actually the result of the merger of two concerns, the MOD and that failed satellite company the Tories just wasted £500m on,” Mr Cronyism continues, “although on the face of it a public enterprise charged with leveraging the UK’s significant weight in trade talks with the EU, by way of threatening their home planets with annihilation, it is expected that the agency will be galactic beating.”

Another facet of the new agency will be its role of transferring billions in public money directly into the pockets of some of the world’s largest multinationals, with no expectation of outcomes.

“The transferring of public wealth to private pockets is the outcome, the rest of it is just noise,” Mr Cronyism explains, “I expect Lord Vader will make an impact exceptionally quickly as the head of SIA. Rapidly replicating his achievements in the galactic war that saw uncounted trillions wasted and ultimately, total failure.”

Talk about failing upwards. Go Vader!

Uturnocracy – Downing Street confirms it is definite on new system of government

CUT THE BLUE WIRE : 10 DOWNING STREET doesn’t stop working just because the Prime Minister does and today it is expected to confirm trials of a new system of government have been successful.

“Uturnocracy was conceived by the same criminal geniuses that ran Vote Leave,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it essentially allows you to move state assets to private hands, and the relevant cash bonuses, while everyone is agog at the complete and enduring shambles you are making of governance.”

The inspiration for the Uturnocracy is to be found in a more innocent incarnation of the current administration.

“It was George Osborne’s pasty tax that provided the lightbulb moment,” the source explained, “that was just genuine political nonsense, ideology attempting to be pragmatic policy and failing abysmally. But the magic was in how long it distracted the media and public before the inevitable U-turn was made. Genius.”

The key to the new system seems to lie in the area chosen to perform a U-turn.

“That’s where the genius superforecasters come in. Back in old Osborne’s day a pasty could keep the public and media obsessed for weeks. Those were innocent times. The US, Russian oligarch bankrolled libertarian kleptocracy was in its infancy then with Dave ‘the wonder’ Cameron blithely sleepwalking through the corridors of power. These days of course, like a junky on a perpetual decline, we need heavier fuel.”

And the heavier fuel that was chosen this time was the future of millions of school leavers in the middle of a pandemic.

“Sheer genius. Traumatising the masses unnecessarily? All the time waiting for just the right moment to do an about face? That takes nerves of steel. Or complete and total sociopathy. Actually, a bit of both.”

The new system of government will continue now.

“Until the public does a U-turn on us.”

Downing Street applies to IMF for emergency loan to fund latest PPE contract

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”

Hackers abandon attempt to hack Jacob Rees-mogg’s email after discovery it’s a 19th century messenger boy

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : RUSSIAN HACKERS are reported to have been left confused and flummoxed after a failed attempt to hack the gmail account of noted Victorian parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg.

It’s understood the effort was made in order to build on the success gained by hacking Liam Fox’s account.

“That wasn’t all it appeared to be,” our Intelligence and Security analyst says, “all anyone learned from that was that the UK government intends to sell the NHS to the US. Wow? Pinch me? Am I dreaming? Oh, and what curtains Mr Fox’s friend likes for games of hide and seek. Again, no surprise there.”

So they figured on going after a bigger fish? An ERG?

“Yes. And it appears they successfully (allegedly) broke into the PC he’s been supplied with by parliament,” our analyst confirms, “but found it completely empty. Virgin state. Unused. So it seems. The only actual content on the computer was the standard warning about accessing adult content on the premises of Westminster, known in the Commons as ‘Green’s Hobby’, oh, and a guide to using Google to look up Latin.”

It’s believed the hackers then broke into the PCs of his parliamentary staffers, and close family members, but also came up empty handed.

It was after this they made the key move that led to the dispiriting discovery.

“One of the hackers is currently working in London as a ball boy at tennis fundraisers. He was tasked with trailing the antiquated MP to get actual eyes on the laptop or tablet he must be using.”

Android or Apple?

“Oh, they didn’t blood type Rees-mogg. He’s presumed to be human, although that is unconfirmed. But what they did see was him using a series of runner boys to convey and receive messages. His email is 19th century. He’s understood to believe digital communication is witchcraft.”

What are they going to do about it?

“They’re going to employ some muggers.”

Boris Johnson gives peerage to Covid-19 for “helping to disguise the effects of Brexit”

LIFE LONG PEER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON STANDS ACCUSED TODAY OF DISHING OUT PEERAGES AND KNIGHTHOODS to friends and donors, with little thought to the democratic damage.

But amongst the furore over Kremlin linked donors becoming Lords, Brexit backing ex-Labour MPs elevating, attention seeking, contrarian rent a gobs going up too, and men who put bins out getting knighthoods, many have missed an obvious name on the list.

“Lord Covid-19 of Westminster,” a source at Downing Street confirmed, “it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And to be honest, Lord Covid has done more to help us out as we barrel towards the cliff edge of a No Deal Brexit, like a runaway wheelbarrow full of burning chickens (who should be roosting quietly) than most on the list. It deserves to get the ermine.”

However there is some confusion over what aspect of Covid’s service to Johnson the vicious little strand of RNA is getting the award for.

“People are asking if it’s for services to disguising the impact of Brexit? It is. People are also asking is it because of how Lord Covid has allowed us to loot the Exchequer egregiously, like a failed state run by a mob? It’s that too. It’s both things. Oh, and it once put the bins out. Which was nice.”

And there is another obvious element to the elevation of Covid-19 to the Lords.

“It’s a life peerage,” the source added, “which with our management of the pandemic is exactly how long we expect Covid-19 to be with us. And to enjoy its tangible benefits.”

Theresa May fails cognitive test after only remembering three words “Brexit. Means. Brexit.”

WITH LEADERS LIKE THESE : CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, sponsor of ‘Go Home Vans’, agile thinker and former prime minister, Theresa May, has put herself in an embarrassing situation today after failing a basic cognitive test.

“Ms May didn’t want to be left out of what is now seen as the gold standard in tests for global intellects,” an aide (claiming to be) to the former prime minister told LCD Views, “I guess seeing Donald Trump smashing it she must have remembered that romantic moment when she held his hand in Washington. She was moved. Which is not something you usually say about the politician who stood mute and incapable of activity for days in the face of the Grenfell disaster.”

Whether or not it was memories of walking with POTUS that inspired Ms May to get involved in the viral test isn’t really clear, but the results are.

“I guess it was easier for Mr Trump. Remembering, ‘I. Put. Kids. In. Cages’, that sticks with you. Maybe Ms May is still suffering from the impact of robotically repeating slogans her entire time in office?”

As that is all she was capable of when taking the test.

“She just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’. When someone whispered to her that it was five words she had to recall, she switched it up and tried ‘No Deal Is Better Than A Bad Deal’. That was too many words clearly. You can have too many memories. Ask anyone.”

But while Ms May was said to be attempting to shrug off the complete failure of her entire career (to achieve anything positive), experts are saying the result is actually worse than it seems.

“It’s really just two words,” a cognitive test expert opined, “Brexit and means. And no one knows what it means still. Not really. But they’re about to find out come January 1st 2021. Then you’ll only need four letter words to explain Brexit and its backers.”