Category: Tory Tory Tory

TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is on the receiving end of some ferocious Whatsapp’s today after the true scale of his 10 Downing Street lockdown parties was revealed.

“It wasn’t just a couple of close friends over for a few sneaky drinks,” a member of the newly set up PRG (Party Research Group) told LCD Views. “Basically it was one endless party all through lockdown. AND I WASN’T INVITED.”

The failure to invite the most insane headbangers in the Conservative Party to the 10 Downing Street hypocrisy festival now risks endangering the Prime Minister’s position.

“What’s the point of being in the Tory Party if you don’t get to laugh at the plebs with all the other chaps?” the PRG spokesman demanded. “He’s treated us like filth. He may even have been laughing at us? This is untenable. Clearly the deep economic harm and mass death is of no account, but to be snubbed like this? Stuck at home with the bloody wife while the PM was partying the night away? He can’t recover from this.”

Although all may not be lost for Mr Johnson with Westminster rumours suggesting he is planning a repeat of his 2019 strategy of just removing dissenters from his party.

“He’ll have to find people crazier than the 2019 intake of Brexiters to replace us with,” the PRG notes. “Good luck with that. We’re completely swivel eyed, batshit, thick as two planks meat puppets. We’re irreplaceable. Wish is why he should have invited all of us to the parties. Then we could all have denied they happened together, just like we daily deny reality on the pandemic and Brexit.”

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS : GREAT NEWS FOR THE STRUGGLING ENTERTAINMENT AND HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY IN ENGLAND TODAY after 10 Downing Street advertised overnight for an official Party Planner.

The position which has a start date of “Sometime in the coming week or two” brings with it an impressive salary and raft of benefits and the chance to “polish your reputation as the go to person in England to organise a secret balls [up]”.

But critics of the decision have rounded on 10 Downing Street and said that the pay on offer is too high. Although they were happy overall with the decision as “laughing in the face of the populace is a necessary function of Johnson’s style of government”.

“£140K a year to work for the Johnson’s?” one Tory backbencher commented. “By the time you’re through you’ll be as credible as Stratton. It’s essentially an advertisement to sacrifice your dignity and credibility. Why am I only paid £80K to do it when I have to work five days some weeks? This is a slap in the face with a wet party popper to Tory MPs who sacrifice their integrity for tens of thousands of pounds less each year. Either we get an invitation to the parties during the next lockdown or a pay bump. It’s one or the other. The Prime Minister must decide or we’ll claim to set up a research group and milk the public purse to fund it.”

But supporters of the Prime Minister have claimed the new role must be filled immediately as he’s “screwed the pooch so thoroughly again” when it comes to the pandemic.

“Herd immunity via natural infection is still the bedrock of England’s pandemic policy,” one noted. “It’s hardly something to party over. The NHS is yet to collapse under the strain because old Bojo doesn’t have the guts to push through. He pulls out each time, which is not what we expect of him given his personal history. Ask any of his girlfriends or mistresses.”

HO HO HO : Outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to be ready to “make amends” to the country for parties that happened at 10 Downing Street last Christmas while the country’s plebs were ravaged by an out of control pandemic.

“He’s going to dig deep into his dressing up box and find a seasonal outfit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s going in further than ever before. He’s going right to the bottom of the barrel and he’s going to scrape it until he comes up as Father Christmas.”

The decision to dress seasonally will be a surprise to the country as he normally just “blindfolds himself and picks out an outfit at random”. This time he’s actually thought about what to wear rather than “surprise himself and have aides sort out the details of a walkabout”.

A mass of photographers will be on hand as Mr Johnson emerges ruddy cheeked from the doors of 10 Downing Street with a big white beard “hastily stuck on and hanging half off his chin for the amusement of onlookers”.

“He will go on a national tour and give something special to everyone,” the aide beams. “If you haven’t had the virus yet you will after a visit from the PM!”

The visit will start at the nation’s primary schools so children can “take that little something special home to their parents”.

“No one knows what variant they’ll get from the Prime Minister which is what makes this Christmas so special.”

Critics have rounded on the decision though and decried the lack of novelty.

“There’s nothing new happening here,” one said. “He dresses up as a twat daily anyway and the pandemic policy is to let it rip until everyone in the country catches it. What difference does it make if he dresses up as Father Christmas?”

Downing Street has dismissed the criticism though and said the PM will “shake hands with everybody until they’re too sick to do anything about it.”

YOU’VE GOT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO PARTY: Covid schmovid. What’s the point of being in charge of the rules if you can’t use them to your advantage? It’s the main reason why people become MPs. 

The current crop of Tory MPs are a case in point. There is no act so depraved, so corrupt, so hypocritical that will prevent them from defending it to the hilt. 

Now the infamous illegal Downing Street party has come under scrutiny. As ever, sacrificial lambs have been despatched to all major news outlets to defend the indefensible. 

“Why did officials at Downing Street think it was a good idea to throw a party, while prohibiting them for everyone else?” asked every interviewer across the land. 

Most prevaricated, and wheeled out some bollocks about not being there, because it didn’t happen. But one bright spark, angling for a promotion no doubt, had a genuine answer. 

“There’s a very simple answer, and this is it,” announced Tory MP Will Yubelievit. “Rules are rules, and the rule is that the only legal party is a Conservative party. You will find the relevant legislation in due course.” 

“The rules, at that point, stated that there should be no gatherings,” persisted the interviewer. “No parties, nothing. What do you say to all the people who made sacrifices for the good of everyone else?” 

“We all know that the virus respects a convivial fraternal spirit,” said Yubelievit. “This is known to exist only in the highest echelons of the Conservative Party. The virus respects the rules and the authority of the land. It’s known as following the science.” 

Ten Downing Street refused to confirm or deny Yubelievit’s claim. But you can bet your bottom dollar that they wanted to take credit for it. 

Christmas is saved. The simple solution is to join a Conservative party. Immunity from rules, responsibilities and covid will follow. 

CARING CONSERVATIVES : 10 Downing Street has responded today to criticism of its plan for social care and replaced the entire system with the Bubonic Plague.

The decision to replace the entire costly and inadequately staffed sector with a virulent disease is being seen as hailing a “return to basics” and “traditional old age policy”.

“You won’t have to worry about selling your home to pay for your care if you catch yersini pestis the moment you retire,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a stroke of genius. And your kids get to inherit your home instantly. This is a levelling up decision which means it doesn’t matter how much your home is worth, everyone with kids will see them inherit it the day they get their first pension cheque. Well, I say see, that’s not entirely accurate as you’ll be in a fever as part of a rapid deterioration in your health. But you get the gist.”

But critics of the plan have pointed out that simply knocking people off with a disease that takes you out within 48 hours will see the booming PPE sector “wither on the vine”.

“No. That is just more nonsense from the opposition. The need for plague doctor outfits will be continual. Anyone who’s ever bought a drink for a sitting, or former Tory MP, can be reassured of receiving a contract for those beak things plague doctors wear worth many millions.”

The plague will be developed locally too and will avoid the supply chain issues faced by many sectors of the UK economy because of some weird magic that occurred the moment Brexit got done.

“This is an Oven Ready Bubonic Plague and underlines exactly how much the Prime Minister cares about the hardworking men and women of this country.”

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN : The ruling CONservative Party has hit a rough patch with the public in recent weeks, although that is largely the fault of the global supply chain crisis driving inflation, and not Brexit or corruption or the economic illiteracy driving their deadly pandemic response.

Happily the GRG – Grift Research Group – has come up with a policy so popular the polls will be surging up like the tides of untreated sewage all around the UK.

“We’re going to resign if we can’t keep our second jobs,” Pig Trough, MP for Lobbying, told LCD Views. “Because if we can’t keep our second jobs we can’t keep our third, fourth, fifth or six jobs. It’s a bit rum. One does not come into public service to serve the public. The public are intensely unreasonable. Have you seen the way they carry on? You can’t help those who won’t help themselves. We show them how to help themselves by helping ourselves to everything we can. We should be thanked for making an example of ourselves.”

The apparent inability of Boris “the boss” Johnson to protect the lucrative income top ups of his MPs has even led to speculation that the men in grey suits will be calling on him to stand aside and make way for someone who can.

“I wouldn’t print that,” the GRG spokesman says. “It’s inaccurate. By the time the fates have finished with old Bojo it’ll be the men in white suits who come to take him away.”

Gold plated crown toppling from his dyed haystack. Face beetroot red with incomprehension and fury. The scandals that never touched him suddenly reaching up their grey hands from the dirt around his feet.

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT : 10 Downing Street is said to be alarmed by the completely baffling wave of CV-19 among MPs. So concerned they have set up a new working group to study the how’s and why’s of the outbreak.

“I’m as baffled as you are,” an unmasked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All the MPs know each other. Some of them extremely well. If you look at the ranks of Brexiter and Lexiter MPs most of them are great chums, in spite of being in opposing parties, that largely explains the state of the country right there. So how the virus was able to just rip through the House of Commons is really confusing. Knowing someone is the best way to not catch an infectious disease from them. Just ask anyone down an STD clinic.”

While the reasons behind the potentially lethal virus catching on in the Commons maybe confusing everyone, the attempt to hinder more infections is bound to be contentious.

“Some girly swots are saying MPs are just like other mortals and breathe in and exhale. This can lead to them both breathing out and inhaling in harmful virus particles. And a mask can reduce that risk. Complete shocker. Who’d have thought it? Especially government MPs. Most of them are so dead inside you wouldn’t have thought it possible. But here we are.”

While the push will be made to inhibit the spread of the virus inside the Commons, it is hoped the greater effort to keep masks a culture war issue won’t be damaged. The profits of PPE companies rely on it.

“We didn’t get to where we are with our world leading pandemic response by convincing people that basic and minuscule personal sacrifices like mask wearing and social distancing are just sensible public health precautions to care for other people. We’re British. We’re immune to such pragmatism. To have to now ask MPs to wear masks to stop them harming each other is a bit rum. What if the public follow their example? Tory MPs do not do personal sacrifice to help other people. It goes against the entire code of conduct.”

Supporters of the initiative though have said Operation : Stable Door should be viewed as a complete success so long as “remote voting by MPs does not come into fashion”.

“If we have to start modernising our system of government using available technology the entire Johnson administration is in deep trouble,” the source. “He needs the farce of the Commons as a fig leaf on his complete and utter unsuitability for office.”

WHITER THAN THE DRIVEN SNOW: There is no such thing as Tory corruption, claims the Crime Minister. Conservatives are simply incapable of doing bad things. 

Boris Johnson’s own record is squeaky clean. He was never sacked for lying, he merely resigned to help a friend save face. He did this twice, in a measure of his legendary generosity. He never tried to help Darius Guppy to beat up a journalist, that was just elaborate banter between mates. A bigger boy made him pour shit into our rivers. 

So it is with Owen Paterson. The money he may or may not have been paid was not a bribe or an incentive to influence policy. In fact, the money was merely resting in his account. 

Accordingly, the now redundant Standards Committee will have to be disbanded. The anti-corruption chief will no longer have any responsibilities, although he will doubtless still be paid. It’s amazing what a retrospective rule change can do for decency and honesty. 

“The British government has the highest international reputation for honesty in the world,” claimed Johnson advisor Stan Dards. “This will only have been enhanced by today’s announcement that MPs and ministers are officially incapable of any wrongdoing. This is a great day for democracy. No longer will our MPs have to look over their shoulders for the irritating watchdog whenever generous wellwishers donate money to supplement the pittance they get paid. This move will ensure that lobbying will become a thing of the past, not least because giving money to MPs is now going to be called Associate Membership of The House.”

It is a sad state of affairs when persistent rumours of financial, sexual and drug-related irregularities follow our blameless representatives. The PM has declared such things impossible. It’s time to restore trust, and therefore we must take Johnson at his word. After all, who ever heard of a Tory prime minister lying?

A BIGGER BOY DUNNIT : 10 Downing Street isn’t letting the blame for the great stink of 2021 lap at its door. It’s in full flush mode.

While some unpatriotic naysayers always looking to talk the country down are suggesting that the political party that has been in power for the last 11 years, and 80 of the last 100, is responsible for the failing infrastructure of Broken Britain, the PM knows who is really to blame.

“The Victorians failed to plan for climate change, they failed to protect British farming against foreign imports and they failed to future proof the UK’s sewerage,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman explained.

And while it’s true that the water utilities were privatised under a Tory government in the 90’s, it’s not their fault as the Victorians did nothing to prevent obvious profiteering in the 20th and 21st centuries.

“To expect the great government of disaster capitalists to make civil minded business owners stop transferring profits and start investing in a crucial sector is to misunderstand modern vulture capitalism,” the source adds. “It’s exceptionally naive and you’re being very annoying by naming and shaming the bobbing turds of Johnson’s party on social media.”

The concerned public are not without hope though as the government is looking to solve the issue of mass pollution of U.K. waters in the same way as the cladding crisis.

“User pays is the best model,” the source shrugs, “you want clean water you better stump up for it. What choice do you have? And besides, the bloody EU made us clean up our beaches in the last century. So covering them in our own shit again has the strong whiff of sovereignty. It’s exactly what Brexit promised. Be proud of it.”

ALL TALK AND NO ACTION: Tories have gathered together to brainstorm the latest set of empty platitudes. We are getting on with the job, they claim, though which job they mean is by no means certain.

Eager drones were very keen to talk about it, though less keen to share any concrete proposals. “It’s going to be great!” remarked cannon fodder Faye Kingitt. “Obviously I can’t disclose any details, but we are definitely getting on with it, and we really, really mean it this time!”

Other minor MPs were equally effusive, and equally lacking in detail. “It’s about time that we got over the disaster left for us by the last Labour government,” remarked Phil E. Buster, who had at least got all the catchphrases ready. “We are building back better, levelling up, doubling down, in, out, shake it all about. We are getting on with it, working night and day, and we will get it done, have no doubts about that!”

It’s about time. The Tories have had eleven years not getting on with the job and letting things slide. But how do we know that anything will change?

“Change is good, inevitably some will not like it, and there will be bumps in the road,” admitted Kingitt. “But change is essential. That is what Conservative means, after all!”

“There will always be winners and losers,” admitted Buster. “But it is our job to make sure the winners win, and the losers lose, this is why Brexit was necessary, the EU wanted to reverse the natural way of things, make losers win, and so forth, which is not the way we do things in the UK, and we will be getting on with it really, really soon, and we really, really mean it, honest!”

In other news, hell is freezing over tomorrow, at least according to the Daily Express long range forecast.