Category: Tory Tory Tory

In an exclusive interview with lcdviews today, Lord Darth Vader made the staggering claim that the Death Star was originally nothing more than a plan to avoid tax. ‘It all began long ago in a far away galaxy when some of the richest men on a planet called Earth came up with what they thought would be a tax-loss generating idea whereby they’d build space ships solely for the shits and giggles.’

Apparently, the three men, now known only by their warrior names Amazon, Virgin and Elon the Strange, were approached by a wise accountant who suggested that relocating their sources of great riches ‘off-planet’ would put profits beyond the reach of any terrestrial tax regime. The accountant, whose name has been lost in the mists of time, said, ‘Zero taxes you will incur, if your cards right you play.’

Lord Vader continued, ‘After that it was a short step to building firstly a space station so that the three could spend the requisite time off-planet, and then to adding the little luxuries such as a swimming pool, Michelin starred restaurant, five star hotel, artificial ski slope and interplanetary death rays. This last innovation was a very useful addition to the scheme as it meant that not only did they avoid tax, but they were also able to charge it. Earth of course challenged this in the Courts but by obliterating a couple of minor countries, the new state, or ‘Empire plc’ as it became to be known, persuaded the Judges that they had a point.

Over the following millennia, the artificial planet grew and under careful management diversified from top end tourism for Earthlings to galactic domination. ‘One of the fundamentals of good business is to recognise the need for change,’ said Vader, ‘and to acquire and divest as appropriate. It is sad but inevitable that we had to divest a few planets on the way but we are were we are.’

Asked about rebel shareholders, Vader, after a few moments, produced from his cloak a strange looking object. ‘Have you seen my new cigarette lighter?’ he said.

WHATSAPP MATT FOR DETAILS : The United Kingdom’s ramped up Health Secretary Matt Hancock has rightly drawn a lot of attention over his world beating handling of the pandemic.

A famously modest public servant, Mr Hancock strives in silence and can always be relied upon to share the glory of his achievements with the NHS. You just have to look at how he allowed the NHS brand to be plastered all over Dido Harding’s £37bn outsourced, totally useless track and trace service to see that.

Many a lesser mortal would be happy to rest on their laurels now. To go quietly from public service to several corporate boardrooms, presumably of American private health companies, and wile away the days phoning up old government work colleagues. Not Matt. Not a man of his stature.

He is destined for greater heights still. The modern tradition of Tories failing upwards is certain to be the wind beneath his wings. As hot and fast an updraft as the smoke from a busy crematorium.

He may even make it to Prime Minister.

“He is now favourite too,” an source on the Conservative Party 1922 governing committee let’s slip to LCD Views. “Old Dom thought he was dealing Mr Hancock a mortal career blow when he revealed the Whatsapp screenshot of the PM’s performance review of the Health Secretary. Not so. He’s just the sort a party funded by maniacs seeking tax efficient arrangements demands.”

Totally F*cking Hopeless, that’s what the PM thinks of Hancock and events prove the veracity of the appraisal.

“By the time Boris Johnson is finished the leadershit of the Tories only someone of Matt’s calibre will want it.”

BIRDS OF A FEATHER : SUPER GENIUS DOMINIC CUMMINGS put in what many are calling a ‘World Beating’ performance today when he ramped up the palace coup against outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson by putting in his entry for the 2021 No Shit Sherlock Awards.

In a dazzling performance that broke the brains of many client journalists and professional sycophants Mr Cummings laid the blame for the UK’s shambolic pandemic response firmly at the door of Boris Johnson. And Matt Hancock. He did so with a series of illuminating statements.

“It wasn’t me Guv. I was there. But it was the fat kid” being a perfect body blow to the blubber of death in 10 Downing Street, previously famous for ridiculously priced wallpaper. Oh and Brexit. Oh and a garden bridge. Oh and a chumocracy that makes the eyes bleed.

Mr Cummings did occasionally deviate to kick in the teeth of Matt Hancock, as already stated. Noticeably absent was Britain’s next prime minister Michael Gove and Rishi “Eat Out To Die Out” Sunak. This is presumably because Dom needs them to think they’re safe from his sociopathic rage, so they also join in attacking Johnson.

But his stellar moment came when he lodged his entry into the No Shit Sherlock Awards.

“Boris, you know, he’s as shit as you think he is” Mr Cummings said, even if it took him six hours to say it. It was a shot at the title that few will come close to competing with, even though there are still many months left.

We asked the judging panel of the annual award for their reaction to Mr Cummings’ entry into the competition.

“He basically just said water is wet. But we’ll accept the entry. That’s the whole point of the awards.”

Boris is as shit as you think he is. So too, is Dominic Cummings. Let’s not get confused.

TICK TOCK : The Institute for Wellbeing During Times of Madness has concluded today that they need a snappier name. Happily they’ve also revealed the results of a study into karma.

“Karma, as it is understood in Western popular culture, is really slow,” lead researcher Professor Aargh told LCD Views. “In fact there seems to be an inverse relationship operating. The better a person you are, as defined by your concerns for other people and especially people you don’t personally know, the faster karma serves up. The worse an individual under the same criteria, the slower karma approaches.”

The study will not come as a huge shock to anyone living in Brexitannia, given the epic scale of shithousery that has been sprayed over the country for many years now with few of the antagonists suffering any negative fallout.

“I would not get too dispirited,” Professor Aargh advises. “The story of David Cameron tells you that karma will eventually arrive. We suspect the sloth like nature of retribution is because bad actors need to fall out with one another in order to call it down. Good people could achieve the same end but they appear more interested in purity contests, and so don’t organise as a collective until the situation is epically grave.”

The Professor further advises patience with a note of sobriety.

“If a political party refuses to remove bad actors from its ranks than the voters have to do it for them. If the voters refuse to do it then karma is actually visiting them daily in small ways that mount up eventually into an avalanche. Priti Patel is a prime example. GE after GE she is returned to escalate her terrible work when it’s as clear as the nose everyone has cut off their face that she should have been removed from political life long ago.”

The Institute is next going to focus on Rupert Murdoch specifically.

“Look at him, he’s now older than time and rules any country he’s allowed to publish his mind bending hate rags in like the Emperor in Star Wars. This shows an interesting feedback loop. If the people allow a poisoner to daily visit their well then the people will be poisoned. The poisoner thus appears protected. This likely means that whilst everyone wants karma to be their friend, karma is in actuality a bitch.”

BRING ME MY CHARIOT OF FIRE: Well-connected chums of the Tories running Britain for personal profit have spotted an opportunity. Since British farming is to be sacrificed in the name of Australian mass-produced boeuf à la hormone, there will soon be an abundance of green and pleasant land.

And all these expanses of soon-to-be vacant real estate comprise a business opportunity beyond compare. Buy up redundant farms at a knock-down price. Cover with houses. Sell for a massive profit. Hang on to a handful to provide a bit of pocket money. Sorted.

LCD Views’ Green Belt? What Green Belt? correspondent, investigated.

Typical of the type of developer is Jerry Bildt-Holmes. A wealthy Tory donor, he has allegedly already been promised large tracts of Wiltshire. “It’s a fantastic opportunity,” said Bildt-Holmes. “This is once in a lifetime. My companies are well placed to take advantage of this new availability, and we can sell it to the public as a way of solving Britain’s housing shortage!”

Is this building Jerusalem, or dark satanic mills?

“That makes absolutely no sense to me,” replied a confused Bildt-Holmes. “All I know is that the arrows of my desire will shortly be finding their mark.”

And how come you have – allegedly – been promised such a large amount of the countryside?

“Chap I know told me about it,” he answered. “Matt somebody. He’s pretty high up. Sold me a hospital the other day. Another absolute steal!”

And the price was right, I take it?

“It was a massive bargain!” crowed Bildt-Holmes. “And Matt knocked 75% off the price after I bunged the Conservative Party fifty grand.”

This must be what the Countenance Divine shining forth on our clouded hills must mean. Sunlit uplands indeed.

Those feet in ancient time may have walked upon England’s mountains green, but not for much longer. We will jerry-build juicy profit making on England’s green and pleasant land.

IT COMES NATURALLY : A British-American man has spoken today of the great “lengths and strides” he is going to to fulfil his destructive potential.

The list of damage is now so impressive it is accurately described as “world beating” especially in the areas of national reputation and heft, trade and avoidable pandemic death count.

The man has not been described by friends, as he doesn’t really have any, but close witnesses have said he has “A reverse Midas touch that just instantly turns anything he touches into shit and destroys the dreams of anyone in the vicinity,” although clearly the actual Midas touch would serve just as well for his purposes.

But defenders of the man have said he is actually a top secret, British military weapon of mass destruction in the “advanced testing phase”.

It is to be hoped this is the case, given he clearly has country destroying potential once a target is acquired.

“The only problem with this long running field test is that we accidentally aimed the weapon at ourselves instead of a dummy target. Which we admit was pretty stupid.”

In their defence they do offer the following justification.

”The BoRiS Weapon is so outlandish and unrefined it never occurred to us that any healthy political system would not have intervened early and hit the self detonation switch. We did build that in as a fail safe for the test phase. The weapon actually keeps hitting it itself, but onlookers just cheer and think how funny he is.”

And the only target the weapon is so far unable to destroy is the Tory Party, who just keep cashing the cheques exploding from the epicentre of national disaster.

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A DOSE OF PLAGUE PLEASE : Great news today with the pubs refilling after months of closure. And it’s not just a great step forward for punters, it proves that Boris Johnson’s government is making a success of managing the pandemic. Ignore the naysayers and get the rounds in. The catastrophic bungling of the pandemic so far has the hospitality industry on its knees. You have to do your patriotic duty and save it.

“Clearly the spread of the Indian variant need not concern anyone,” a 10 Downing Street herd immunity advocate said. “Get stuck in! Just remember to maintain social distancing when you’re blathered.”

Whether or not the next stage in unlocking should have been delayed until the extent of spread of the new, more transmissible variant is understood is really only a subject of discussion for anyone paying attention.

“Look at the polling numbers! We’ve a country so gaslit now the government can get away with anything. 150,000 dead? What’s that? We gained council seats in the recent elections. It validates our management. It’s not fair to accuse us of being disinterested in detail. A hell of a lot of effort was put into print last year to undermine the sanctity of life. It’s only old people who are dying, so who really cares? Even old people were saying it. Managing the narrative is the first step, some time after that we get to the virus.”

Mercifully the tabloids are already setting out the stall of blame for any failure from central government. It will be the public’s fault. You can be sure of it.

“We don’t elect representatives to bore themselves senseless learning about risks to public health and mitigating them. We elect them in 21st century Britain to provide a VIP line for uncontested contracts. It’s a well oiled machine, just look at some of the chancers who’ve received multi-million pound PPE contracts.”

Hopefully the vaccine roll out will get in front of the virus and there won’t be a need for another national lockdown. If we’re lucky the avoidable fatalities that are now trickling through the morgues with the preventable spread of the Indian variant will stay at a level that is politically feasible for Mr Johnson and his government.

“We maybe out of the woods now. No one knows. Just be happy we didn’t keep you locked in for a relatively brief period last year like some other countries who pursued a policy of elimination. We have a lot more suspense in day to day life here.”

Just to be on the safe side though if you haven’t decided what path of self-improvement you’ll take in any future lockdown, while you’re raising a jar and tasting freedom in liquid form will be a good time to discuss it.

WHEN SHITBERGS COLLIDE : THE PRIME MINISTER is to clear the decks of all tasks today except for the pandemic and focus solely on that.

He will do this by phoning each and every cabinet minister to ask if they’re “with me or Gove”. It’s understood the actual phrasing will employ significantly more obscenities and scatological references than we are at liberty to employ.

It’s likely he will start with the most senior members first, ones who have compromised themselves significantly during the world beating fight to make the pandemic in the UK go tantric. Emotive phrases will be used such as “if I go down you’re coming with me” and “I made you and I can break you.”

There will clearly be a pause for lunch. It will begin at 11:30am and is expected to conclude around 3pm, once all the claret has been drunk. After that he will return to focusing on the pandemic by phoning more junior members and launching scathing attacks on their loyalty.

What Mr Gove will be doing at the same time isn’t entirely clear as he is alleged to have done most of his work during the recent weeks when he was MIA.

“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss” is thought to be an adage that Mr Gove employed fully in the weeks leading up to the attempts to dethrone Mr Johnson. Although given Mr Gove is a serial loser when it actually comes time to seize power, it’s thought Mr Hunt, Ms Patel, Mr Hancock, Mr Raab and others will be pledging their support to him while also pondering how they will redecorate the No 11 flat back from bordello.

One thing we can all hope is that in the Tory leadership contest to come that Matt Hancock tries again and revises his famous line about not supporting the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit as that would go against “everything those men fought and died for on those beaches”. He famously did exactly that and it proves he has the calibre to lead the modern Conservative Party.

Good luck to all contenders, it’s only the country that is paying for your serial shithousery. Hoograh!

IT’S WHO YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU KNOW: Experts are out, and cronies are in. Revelations that Your Good Health Secretary Matt Hancock awarded NHS contracts to family members who just happened to drink in the same pub have shocked nobody. 

The Cock Inn, the pub in the charming village of Snouts-in-the-Trough, has become a recruiting ground for Hancock. The landlord mysteriously landed a Covid test kit contract. Old Lenny, who has sat in the same seat and told the same tall stories for over 50 years now, has been given his own show on GB News. And the darts team turned out for Manchester United at the weekend. 

This is a case of putting the Hancock into the Cock. 

The Cock Inn WhatsApp group was busy after the latest revelations. Everybody in Snouts-in-the-Trough, it seems, wants a bit of Matt’s benevolence. “I’m a cleaner, I could do money laundering!” posted Henry Hoover the barman. “I’m good with brushes, maybe I could help to sweep the whole affair under the doorMatt,” suggested artist Matt Black. “I’m Matt Hancock, and so is my wife!” was a very popular comment. 

The pub itself is considering a name change, from the Cock Inn to the Hancock Inn. It is now open for socially distanced drinks in the pub car park, but if you give Matt a bell he will bypass covid restrictions for you and give you a cushy job with the government. 

Hancock family members are famously known as shareholders in a prominent NHS outsourcing firm. What is less well known is the composition of the board of directors. The Sales Director is Squeaky, his daughter’s pet mouse, for example,and the Chairman is the family goldfish, Fluffy. 

And accusations of cronyism have been firmly rebutted by the Hancock family. This isn’t cronyism, they claim. It’s nepotism. Get it right! 

HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.

There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.

The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.

“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”

Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?

“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”

On what grounds?

“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”

The second question, where will the statue go?

“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”

Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.