Category: Tory Tory Tory

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF AWAKE : Britain’s famous liberal prime minister has a culture war to win or he risks losing the support of the intellectual and cultural heavyweights that comprise the modern day Conservative and Unionist Party.

“We’re the real victims here,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views. “We have pretty much total compliance from commercial media, the BBC is riddled with our plants, we’ve only an 80 seat majority and a Parliament so toothless it keeps extracting its own teeth and handing them to the executive, the official opposition won’t even talk about Brexit as they also bizarrely voted for it, and we really don’t know where to turn for support.”

And support is needed as the party that has been in power now for over a decade needs allies in its culture war, or there’s the risk a statue of a slaver may get pulled down.

“Between you and me though we don’t really want to win the war on woke, just a series of battles over and over. If we don’t have people arguing over intangibles, sufficient to obscure the national landscape, people may start to ask how a party that oversaw one of the world’s worst avoidable pandemic death tolls should get to carry on in power?”

But thankfully they do have a strategy and it’s likely to be a successful one.

“You see what we’ve done to asylum seekers? You see how we’ve been allowed to get away with it? That’s key. We’re going to be even bigger bastards. Even bigger bigots than before. And the confused people of Brexitannia are going to go along with it. There is no one we won’t persecute to stay in power. And with our willingness to pass laws to enforce compliance of thought, you’re all going to love it.”

BONNIE PRINCE BORIS : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, BORIS JOHNSON, IS HEADING TO SCOTLAND TO ASSIST NICOLA STURGEON IN HER QUEST FOR SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE.

Even before the deep thinking membership of the Conservative and Unionist Party elected Mr Johnson as the UK’s unelected, unaccountable, incredibly thoughtful divine ruler, Mr Johnson had put in strides to create a customs border between England and Scotland.

“He’s going to launch his bid to push Scotland out of the Union at Culloden. He understands his history. He wants the correct backdrop when he begins to do his idea of speak,” a 10 Downing Street aid told LCD Views. “He’ll be garbling some Burns and will probably recite some poetry he’s written himself describing the Scottish as a verminous race. He’s hoping no one will realise he’s just recycling some of his old columns.”

The trip north is well timed too, as the government is currently pumping out “Stay At Home” messages by the truckload, seeing as all the trucks in the UK are empty of other freight. Thanks to Brexit. With any luck some of his entourage will test positive for Covid while on tour and they’ll all have to stay in Scotland for weeks. This will give them the time to bring English nationalism to the Scots in all its outward looking acceptance of difference.”

And he will be making quite the spectacle of himself.

“He’s having a special outfit tailor made for the Scottish fling. A high visibility kilt, but with Edward 1st’s heraldry instead of tartan. That will make quite the impression.”

It’s understood the Prime Minister will also toss a caber while he’s north of the border. But only if they can get a small child to stand still long enough for it to land on his head.

The tour has been codenamed “Oven Ready Haggis” and is certainly to give the SNP a boost.

DIGGING EVER DEEPER : WELCOME APPLAUSE IS HEADING THE WAY OF THE PRIME MINISTER THIS EVENING AS BRITS WILL ONCE AGAIN STAND ON THEIR DOORSTEPS.

Boris and zero hours contract Carrie are expected to also be involved, although they will be standing in humble recognition of the thanks they are to receive. Whether or not Dylin the prop dog will be present too isn’t yet clear, as it’s understood negotiations over a new contract are yet to conclude with his casting agency.

Until now the NHS and other slackers have hogged the limelight in the fight against the virus, with little appreciation given to the man who has done so much to orchestrate the UK’s world beating response.

“That changes today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we are urging all Britons to stand on their doorsteps at 8pm this evening and give a shout out for Boris.”

There will of course be clapping too, as is traditional.

“Try and clap in time with your neighbours,” the source urges, “to create the biggest impact in your neighbourhood. But please come together before 8pm and synchronise your watches so you can all be ready to shout on time at 8pm.”

The shout itself will draw on tradition and the famous plagues of yesteryear.

“Bring Out Your Dead! – it’s a British classic,” the source adds, “and given that Victoria Atkins said on TV this morning that it’s a fine line between protecting the economy and defeating the virus, there is clearly going to be a lot of dead left to bring out!”

QUITE UPLIFTING : Whoever said philanthropy is dead hasn’t seen the great work being down currently to keep hungry British families hungry for more.

”We all know times are tough,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just because Boris Johnson is unable to take a foreign holiday. Some MPs haven’t been able to access the subsidised bars and restaurants at Westminster for months.”

And while most of the attention is focused on the privations suffered by MPs, some are wasting their time fretting over the lower orders.

“It’s not really for the government to go all nanny state and interfere in people’s life choices,” the source continues, “if people choose to be born poor and hungry that is their right in modern Britain. Imagine if government involved itself? Where would the spirit of enterprise go in the field of social mobility.”

Happily the concerns of the governing class can focus on more profitable areas, such as PPE contracts, after the private sector took over the exciting responsibility to stop people starving to death too fast.

“Some of us are rather uncomfortable with the food parcels that have replaced the food vouchers,” the source fretted, “particularly those of us who lobby for the tobacco industry! Ha!”

And the concerns are mounting over how to feed the nation’s hungry. Concerns about waste of taxpayer money.

“It’s all very well to feel noble dishing out half a British banana to feed a family of four for a week,” the source finished, “but it’s actually an egregious waste of money that could be better funnelled to other party donors. After all, UNICEF has already proven it will feed our huddled and starving masses for free.”

FURLOUGH THE FURLONGS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to address the most pressing concern across the United Kingdom this evening when he addresses the nation at 8pm.

While some nanny state minded types are handwringing over education and protecting the elderly, those with their finger on the real pulse of the nation’s elite are concentrating on more important matters.

“It is vital that we end the pandemic in time for the 2021 Cheltenham Festival,” the Prime Minister is expected to say, “while at times I have felt like Atlas struggling to hold an entire orb of Covid aloft, when it comes to kicking off the racing calendar I am to throw off the toga and become like Speedy Gonzales!”

He is expected to go on to pledge that a great national effort is called for “once more upon the beach, dear dad!” to end the pandemic once and for all.

“It is a race against time now to see who will win as we enter the closing stages. In the next few months everyone in the UK will have received either a shot, half a shot, something vaguely resembling a shot of a CV-19 vaccine, or caught Covid-19. Certainty is upon us! Let us lift up our faces to the heavens and drink in the rain of plenty! Tomorrow is a better day! Regardless of what I did to ruin today! Ha!”

To ensure the pandemic is wrapped up and the money banked by various vested interests a special task force will be set up.

“If necessary I will take personal control of Operation Cheltenham, but I have, for now, instructed Track and Trace to locate Dido Harding and she’s going to have first crack of the whip at it!”

WORLD BEATING : UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ONLY burnished his already fulsome reputation since taking office. It’s fair to say he’s built on the 10 years of Tory government since 2010, and now has a raft of world beating achievements.

“Full to the brim with success,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “we’re bursting at the seams. The cup over flows you could say. Thigh slapping stuff!”

The reason for the extra seasonal cheer is the successful negotiation between Her Majesty’s Government and UNICEF.

It was announced today that the 6th biggest economy in the world, with roughly 145 resident billionaires, has successfully negotiated for the United Nations programme to feed hungry British children.

“This will save us money that can be spent on nuclear weapons and the reimposition of anachronistic trading systems last seen decades ago.”

The food parcels will also free up additional public money that can be spent on PPE contracts to people who have Matt Hancock’s phone number, and pay rises for Dom.

But not everyone is happy about the gold standard deal negotiated with Unicef, that sees Britain once again headline news around the world – for the achievements under Mr Johnson.

“Liz Truss is a little put out. As she is the master negotiator.”

But Ms Truss need feel no ruffling of her feathers, as she only negotiates short term continuity arrangements, which will expire and allow our international partners to come back and have another go, when we’re really desperate. A hum, Brexit.

To mark the feeding of British children by Unicef the UK’s parliamentarians are expected to have a champagne Christmas dinner before going into recess until 2021.

“It’s moments like this that we all went into politics for,” a member of Mr Johnson’s cabinet told LCD Views, “knowing that David Cameron’s big society is now truly international.”

PLASTIC PATRIOTS ENRICHED : Downing Street has announced another world beating British first in the fight to prolong Covid-19 today with the decision to hold an award ceremony for the holders of PPE contracts.

“Everyone who believes they’re qualified for the PPE’s needs to Whatsapp Matt Hancock immediately,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “or mention it to Boris Johnson over lunch.”

The PPE’s will celebrate the biggest achievers in the receipt of non-tender process, no penalty clause PPE contracts.

“It will be an aspirational day which will inspire a new generation of British youngsters to become friends with Tory Party ministers. You never know when duty calls? Maybe when you’re running an insolvent paper cup factory? Maybe when you’ve recently stood down as a councillor and you’re at a lose end? There’s no end of opportunity if you have the right phone numbers saved in your smart phone. You just then have to wait for disaster to call.”

The award categories will be Gold, Silver and Bronze and set the standard for recognition of the ability to get rich quick from the public purse.

“There is discussions currently about whether or not to make the actual day of the ceremony a public holiday?” the aide mused, “I’m in favour of it. Like Covid, it will better help disguise the complete economic car crash looming in 2021 with Brexit.”

The hanging of bunting on the day will be encouraged and to be sure it’s patriotic it must be plastic.

“I’ve got a friend who can supply as much plastic bunting as you need? He’s currently staring at the closed shutters of his replica marble factory that’s just gone into administration…”

NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, RISHI SUNAK, IS SET TO PROVIDE ADDTIONAL STOCKING FILLERS TODAY WITH THE LAUNCH OF HIS FIRST CELEBRITY CALENDAR.

The calendar will have one theme for each month and feature Mr Sunak in a variety of dazzling compositions.

“No expense has been spared on the photography and design of the Sunak spreads,” an aide working on the product told LCD Views, “in fact we’ve put more effort into this than the entirety of the economic plan to cope with Brexit.”

January will kick off with Rishi standing disarmingly (but socially, and financially distanced) next to a bin fire and the tag line “We’re all in this together!”.

February will be Mr Sunak distributing bread at a food bank with a smile so innocent you’d never know he could have prevented it.

March will see Rishi as Atlas.

“The boulder on his back will look distinctly like Boris Johnson. But any suggestion this is a subtle play for the Tory leadership is mistaken. Rishi can just buy that.”

April will see a return to Mr Sunak’s most loved environment. Wagamamma’s.

“He’ll take a break from the casual, business chic attire for this one. He’ll actually be taking a leaf out of Johnson’s book and cosplaying as a fireman. The better to help the fire brigade crew fight the flames resulting from the Brexit food rioting.”

Details of the summer months are still under wraps, with the teasing suggestion they will have a playful, swimsuit theme.

The calendar does end officially in December, like usual, but as with some it has a bonus extra month for the following year. January 2022.

“This will focus on winter foraging for food and fuel supplies while enduring a trade embargo from Europe. Rishi will be pictured as King Cnut in this one. Feet in the rising waters and the people grub for grubs on a green and open landscape.”

Pre-order your calendar today and receive a free motivational coffee mug with it.

“That has ‘Brexit – Sunak will make a meal out of it!’ written across it.”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH: To mark anti-bullying week, the government has announced a new world-beating-up anti-bullying champion. Who better than Priti Patel?

Well, almost anybody, really. But that never puts this government off its stride. Patel’s sheer unsuitability for the role makes her the ideal candidate.

Patel has been plagued by accusations of bullying for a long time. So, reasons officialdom, who better to counter bullying than a bully? It’s poacher turned gamekeeper. The Home Office wolf has donned sheep’s clothing, and concealed her iron fist inside a velvet glove.

Guidance has been issued on the Home Office website. There you will find a page headed “So, you think you are being bullied, do you?”

The guidance is uncompromising. It consists of a sequence of FAQs, which tend to be neither questions nor frequently asked. It starts, promisingly enough, with a section entitled “What is bullying, and how do I deal with it?”

The answer is stark. “Bullying is, traditionally, where a bigger boy beats you up and steals your sweets. In fact, this is a useful illustration of Capitalism in action. Grow a pair, and get used to it!”

Wise words, I think we can all agree.

But there is more to come. “My boss has criticised me loudly, publicly and unfairly. What can I do?”

The response is clear. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Strong leadership is to be admired. Up your game, snowflake.”

A section of helpful guidance is included. “I want to know what can be counted as bullying,” reads one non-question. The answer is nothing if not deeply unhelpful.

“The following actions are NOT considered to be bullying: Words, actions or physical contact designed to display strength or superiority. Being put in your place. Name-calling. Criticism of your work, opinions, or appearance. Asserting your position in the pecking order by belittling your inferiors. Bullying.”

Priti Patel will set a fine example to the nation.