Johnson accused of cronyism as close friend made head of new Space Infrastructure Agency

DARTH STAR TURNS : Serial failure Darth Vader now has a cherry on top of his peerage cake after his appointment to head the newly created Space Infrastructure Agency.

“Eyebrows were already raised earlier this year when Mr Johnson elevated his long term friend, Darth Vader, to the Lords making him Lord Vader,” our Downing Street specialist, Mr Cronyism, reports, “and the accusations of favouritism will surface again with Mr Vader’s appointment to run the plum new agency.”

Lord Vader himself was said to be “ebullient” and “grinning from ear to ear, not that you’d notice” at the appointment and believes his track record speaks for itself.

“SIA is actually the result of the merger of two concerns, the MOD and that failed satellite company the Tories just wasted £500m on,” Mr Cronyism continues, “although on the face of it a public enterprise charged with leveraging the UK’s significant weight in trade talks with the EU, by way of threatening their home planets with annihilation, it is expected that the agency will be galactic beating.”

Another facet of the new agency will be its role of transferring billions in public money directly into the pockets of some of the world’s largest multinationals, with no expectation of outcomes.

“The transferring of public wealth to private pockets is the outcome, the rest of it is just noise,” Mr Cronyism explains, “I expect Lord Vader will make an impact exceptionally quickly as the head of SIA. Rapidly replicating his achievements in the galactic war that saw uncounted trillions wasted and ultimately, total failure.”

Talk about failing upwards. Go Vader!

Uturnocracy – Downing Street confirms it is definite on new system of government

CUT THE BLUE WIRE : 10 DOWNING STREET doesn’t stop working just because the Prime Minister does and today it is expected to confirm trials of a new system of government have been successful.

“Uturnocracy was conceived by the same criminal geniuses that ran Vote Leave,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it essentially allows you to move state assets to private hands, and the relevant cash bonuses, while everyone is agog at the complete and enduring shambles you are making of governance.”

The inspiration for the Uturnocracy is to be found in a more innocent incarnation of the current administration.

“It was George Osborne’s pasty tax that provided the lightbulb moment,” the source explained, “that was just genuine political nonsense, ideology attempting to be pragmatic policy and failing abysmally. But the magic was in how long it distracted the media and public before the inevitable U-turn was made. Genius.”

The key to the new system seems to lie in the area chosen to perform a U-turn.

“That’s where the genius superforecasters come in. Back in old Osborne’s day a pasty could keep the public and media obsessed for weeks. Those were innocent times. The US, Russian oligarch bankrolled libertarian kleptocracy was in its infancy then with Dave ‘the wonder’ Cameron blithely sleepwalking through the corridors of power. These days of course, like a junky on a perpetual decline, we need heavier fuel.”

And the heavier fuel that was chosen this time was the future of millions of school leavers in the middle of a pandemic.

“Sheer genius. Traumatising the masses unnecessarily? All the time waiting for just the right moment to do an about face? That takes nerves of steel. Or complete and total sociopathy. Actually, a bit of both.”

The new system of government will continue now.

“Until the public does a U-turn on us.”

Downing Street applies to IMF for emergency loan to fund latest PPE contract

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”

Hackers abandon attempt to hack Jacob Rees-mogg’s email after discovery it’s a 19th century messenger boy

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : RUSSIAN HACKERS are reported to have been left confused and flummoxed after a failed attempt to hack the gmail account of noted Victorian parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg.

It’s understood the effort was made in order to build on the success gained by hacking Liam Fox’s account.

“That wasn’t all it appeared to be,” our Intelligence and Security analyst says, “all anyone learned from that was that the UK government intends to sell the NHS to the US. Wow? Pinch me? Am I dreaming? Oh, and what curtains Mr Fox’s friend likes for games of hide and seek. Again, no surprise there.”

So they figured on going after a bigger fish? An ERG?

“Yes. And it appears they successfully (allegedly) broke into the PC he’s been supplied with by parliament,” our analyst confirms, “but found it completely empty. Virgin state. Unused. So it seems. The only actual content on the computer was the standard warning about accessing adult content on the premises of Westminster, known in the Commons as ‘Green’s Hobby’, oh, and a guide to using Google to look up Latin.”

It’s believed the hackers then broke into the PCs of his parliamentary staffers, and close family members, but also came up empty handed.

It was after this they made the key move that led to the dispiriting discovery.

“One of the hackers is currently working in London as a ball boy at tennis fundraisers. He was tasked with trailing the antiquated MP to get actual eyes on the laptop or tablet he must be using.”

Android or Apple?

“Oh, they didn’t blood type Rees-mogg. He’s presumed to be human, although that is unconfirmed. But what they did see was him using a series of runner boys to convey and receive messages. His email is 19th century. He’s understood to believe digital communication is witchcraft.”

What are they going to do about it?

“They’re going to employ some muggers.”

Boris Johnson gives peerage to Covid-19 for “helping to disguise the effects of Brexit”

LIFE LONG PEER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON STANDS ACCUSED TODAY OF DISHING OUT PEERAGES AND KNIGHTHOODS to friends and donors, with little thought to the democratic damage.

But amongst the furore over Kremlin linked donors becoming Lords, Brexit backing ex-Labour MPs elevating, attention seeking, contrarian rent a gobs going up too, and men who put bins out getting knighthoods, many have missed an obvious name on the list.

“Lord Covid-19 of Westminster,” a source at Downing Street confirmed, “it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And to be honest, Lord Covid has done more to help us out as we barrel towards the cliff edge of a No Deal Brexit, like a runaway wheelbarrow full of burning chickens (who should be roosting quietly) than most on the list. It deserves to get the ermine.”

However there is some confusion over what aspect of Covid’s service to Johnson the vicious little strand of RNA is getting the award for.

“People are asking if it’s for services to disguising the impact of Brexit? It is. People are also asking is it because of how Lord Covid has allowed us to loot the Exchequer egregiously, like a failed state run by a mob? It’s that too. It’s both things. Oh, and it once put the bins out. Which was nice.”

And there is another obvious element to the elevation of Covid-19 to the Lords.

“It’s a life peerage,” the source added, “which with our management of the pandemic is exactly how long we expect Covid-19 to be with us. And to enjoy its tangible benefits.”

Theresa May fails cognitive test after only remembering three words “Brexit. Means. Brexit.”

WITH LEADERS LIKE THESE : CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, sponsor of ‘Go Home Vans’, agile thinker and former prime minister, Theresa May, has put herself in an embarrassing situation today after failing a basic cognitive test.

“Ms May didn’t want to be left out of what is now seen as the gold standard in tests for global intellects,” an aide (claiming to be) to the former prime minister told LCD Views, “I guess seeing Donald Trump smashing it she must have remembered that romantic moment when she held his hand in Washington. She was moved. Which is not something you usually say about the politician who stood mute and incapable of activity for days in the face of the Grenfell disaster.”

Whether or not it was memories of walking with POTUS that inspired Ms May to get involved in the viral test isn’t really clear, but the results are.

“I guess it was easier for Mr Trump. Remembering, ‘I. Put. Kids. In. Cages’, that sticks with you. Maybe Ms May is still suffering from the impact of robotically repeating slogans her entire time in office?”

As that is all she was capable of when taking the test.

“She just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’. When someone whispered to her that it was five words she had to recall, she switched it up and tried ‘No Deal Is Better Than A Bad Deal’. That was too many words clearly. You can have too many memories. Ask anyone.”

But while Ms May was said to be attempting to shrug off the complete failure of her entire career (to achieve anything positive), experts are saying the result is actually worse than it seems.

“It’s really just two words,” a cognitive test expert opined, “Brexit and means. And no one knows what it means still. Not really. But they’re about to find out come January 1st 2021. Then you’ll only need four letter words to explain Brexit and its backers.”

Dominic Raab advises food bank users “solve their temporary cash flow” problem by landing a PPE contract

THE MAN WHO HAS NEVER HEARD NO : FOREGIN SECRETARY Dominic Raab has today visited a food bank. There are no details concerning what food he brought to donate, if any.

“It’s best to visit the living testimonials to your government’s achievements,” an aide to the geographically challenged Foreign Secretary told LCD Views, “when you consider how withered the food bank sector was in 2010, and contrast that to now? Dominic has a lot to visit. He could basically do nothing but visit food banks and he would never rest. They should probably create a minister for visiting food banks. Especially when you think what’s coming down the line in 2021!”

But it’s not just enough to go to the places that speak to the heart of your governing philosophy, you have to dispense advice. You have to help people improve themselves. If only they believed they could land a high paying job. It’s all about achieving the right accident of birth to start with, and then building on it.

“He wasn’t mansplaining,” the aide was definite, “let’s get that settled right at the start. And mercifully he wasn’t attempting to teach anyone orienteering. Ha! Do you remember when he lost that entire classroom in the Brecon Beacons? Actually, you probably don’t. We hushed the entire fabricated story up. I’m sure the kids are being raised perfectly fine by the wolves. They’ll probably get a movie deal out of it when they finally claw their way out of a ravine and stumble into a town.”

Well, what did he say?

“He solved it for food bank users, experiencing temporary cash flow problems. He told them to get a government PPE contract, untendered, and they’d never want for money ever again. And the best part, you don’t actually have to deliver any PPE!”

Nice work if you can get it.

Track & trace app launched to find friends of Dominic Cummings who haven’t received lucrative PPE contracts

TAKING THE PEEPE : A Downing Street source has confirmed a new track and trace app is to be launched today to build on the success of the world beating Covid-19 one.

The new app is designed to identify friends of Dominic Cummings who are yet to receive lucrative PPE contracts.

“It’s not right that the contracts are always for £108m,” the source said, “sometimes they are for substantially more. And now and then a little less. But always a figure that would look great on the side of the bus.”

The app will be voluntary at first, with friends of the SPAD encouraged to self-identify.

“Once everyone who knows Dom and who has bagged a PPE contract has registered it will allow us to compare the list with the list of everyone he’s ever met who said a kind word to him. Whether they meant it or not. It’s not that his ego is that fragile he’s attempting to buy friends.”

Clearly there is no need for any parliamentary oversight on any of this.

“We are ruling because of the superiority of our bloodlines. It’s not for weaker humans to question us, or what we do. Bloody great bit of super forecasting to put through that rule that we can throw money around like candy in an emergency. No scrutiny needed. We’re just taking back what was stolen from us through tax.”

And who runs the company that will develop the friends of Dom track and trace app?

“Why a friend of Dom of course!”

We didn’t expect that! How much is the contract worth? £108m?

“Substantially more. £250m+, oh and the last screaming threads of UK representative democracy. A bargain at half of that.”

Girl awarded £250m PPE contract after setting up lemonade stand on pavement

NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG : A 10 year old girl in Surrey is believed to be the UK’s latest multi-millionaire after being awarded a lucrative PPE contract by the government.

“The child had the foresight to set up a limited company before launching her homemade lemonade business last week,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “this was fortunate. It has allowed the relevant minister to use their discretion and award the child the contract uncontested.”

While some are querying the child’s suitability to handle such a large order of PPE, the government points to the fact that while retailing her lemonade she has been wearing a mask, occasionally, and has what appears to be hand sanitiser on the fold up table on which she is displaying her drinks.

“Critics are just jealous of young Corruption’s success,” the insider went on, “typical of the lazy to be envious of those naturally equipped for success. The fact the girl’s father is an old school chum of a serving minister has nothing to do with her success. It’s a very British success story. We should revel in it. After all, success means success.”

Inquiries at Companies House do appear to show everything is above board. The company, “Home Made Lemonade” has £5 in assets and its chairman owns a substantial share in a company which advises on the best way to avoid tax, via complex webs of offshore accounts.

“I expect the next time you hear about Corruption she will have a massive property portfolio,” the source went on, “assuming she times well the return of the profits from the PPE contract from her complex web of offshore accounts. Wait for the housing crash Corruption, and then reinvest.”

Robert Jenrick approves plan to redevelop David Cameron’s shed as S&M Superstore

DESTINY IS ALL : PRIME MINISTER DOMINIC CUMMINGS is said to be feeling a little cheesed off today after Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, Robert Jenrick, continues to steal the headlines for another day.

“Robby is only a pup,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but he’s already amassed quite a list of achievements in the Toryverse. So many questionable decisions while in government, such contempt for the law [allegedly], so many interesting links to interesting people. He even went to the Trump inauguration. Which doubled the crowd size. Quite the overachiever.”

But the latest story to hit the headlines involves Britain’s greatest former prime minister, David Cameron, and his plans to redevelop his shepherd’s hut shed as an S&M Superstore.

Initially his local council refused permission, citing public health concerns, but then Dave and Robert had lunch. It’s been plain sailing ever since.

“The headline is a little inaccurate,” the source continues, “as I don’t think anything will be being sold at any visit, well, not in a retail sense. But if you like leveraging your accident of birth to make the less fortunate suffer, it’s going to get the blood racing. And clearly if you examine David Cameron’s premiership he’s the one who deserves the credit for beginning what is now fire sale UK. Roll up! Roll up! Everything must go! Steam train entering a tunnel type stuff for modern Conservatives.”

But thanks to an imagined FOI request (mostly imagined because it was successful and not just hundreds of ‘redacted’ pages) LCD Views are able to reveal details of the planning application.

“It’s modern Tory fetish fun time. Multiple levels with audio-visual displays of food banks. Liz Truss tweeting about trade. Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein up close and coming in and out of focus like a 60’s psychedelic short film. Boris Johnson’s short film about “How I learned to give up the search for the G Spot and just keep shagging”, the criminality of the EU ref. Robert himself meeting with various billionaires who have issues with local councils and planning regulations. The despair of millions now suffering daily thanks to the only real motivation of their government being the movement of public cash to private pockets. It’s intensely arousing watching offshore bank accounts swell, swell and swell. You’ll need a shower afterwards.”

And seeing as it’s 2020 will there be a statue erected at the entrance?

“Yes. David Cameron holding a pig, in brass. Well, the neck is brass, the rest of it is just bullshit.”