Category: Tory Tory Tory

HMS BALDERDASH : CHIN UP GLOBAL BRITONS and get ready to take it with an app!

That’s right, an app! Not a nap. Who do you think you are, the prime minister?

Speaking of which, great news today, coming hot on the heels of the disaster of the Cummings’ Corp “NHS” track and trace app is a new initiative to deliver this vital, viral tech.

“Boris Johnson is to now take control of developing the test and track app,” an aide working closely for PM Dom told LCD Views, “he’s been drinking non-stop to gather the raw materials.”

And reportedly there’s now raw materials aplenty inside 10 Downing Street and Boris “Shaggy Shagger” Johnson is hard at work.

Hard at work with the arts and crafts.

“He’s building the app from empty wine crates right now. It’ll be ready any minute.”

But will one app do for 65m+ people?

“About as well as herd immunity,” the source goes on, “which some could be forgiven for thinking has always been the plan.”

But still, only one app?

“Yes. And the PM is selflessly allowing everyone else to take their turn first. No chance of the missus tracking old Boris in case he needs to find a new support bubble, if he doesn’t have the app.”

Clever thinking.

But how will we know when it’s our turn to use the app?

“Simple. A little picture of you will be painted on the side.“

It’s almost as if as with the story about building buses from empty wine crates, the PM is once again taking everyone for a ride. Oompf!

MORE, YOU WANT MORE : THE CONSERVATIVE MP for the picture postcard district of Hunger-on-Why, Sir Toby Fullbeli-nondom-Ridiculius-Max, has been sent out today to explain the Johnson government’s decision over summer school meals.

“It’s learning that makes you hungry,” he told a compliant BBC show, “and during the long, glorious ENGLISH summer months poor children won’t be learning anything, clearly, they will be on whatever digital leisure device my taxes bought them. It’s hard enough to get the little buggers to receive an education at the best of times. All this moaning about food. Have you seen my collection of rare Albanian ivory? Family obsession. Began in the Crimean War. What were we talking about? Let’s put a tiger in that tank! Oompf!”

And while the government spokesman is perfectly sensible, there is now a rumbling political furore over Boris Johnson’s refusal to reverse the meals policy.

Some useful suggestions have come forward, from the Conservative Party, such as poor children to be sent a copy of ‘Oliver Twist’, to nourish their souls. Also that they may like to have a whip around and then donate the proceeds to the Conservative Party, the better to influence policy. Or even set up a pest control company and bid for a PPE contract. If successful the untold riches that would flow their way will more than pay for lunch.

Although that option is said to be disliked by 10 Downing Street, due to the risk of creating social mobility.

“He doesn’t feed his own children why the bally hell should he feed yours?” Sir Toby continued, reasonably enough, “children need to learn the value of hard work. Just like I did, and my chums. You try managing the man that manages your 13,000 hectare estate day in and day out? Bloody hard work. When I inherited Bilehead Hall, after my eldest brother was disinherited because of his stubborn refusal to call off his marriage to that exotic lass, I took on the full responsibility. Just you see the mess it would become if some low born child tried this? No stomach for the graft you see. It’s in the genes. Transportation was too good for them. You can’t cure that class. Born that way. Part of God’s plan. Burrrrrrrrp!”

But with the government digging in, and displaying once again an unexpected feature of Boris Johnson’s politics, that of unnecessarily wasting political capital (by the truckload), it’s been left to footballers to fill the policy void.

“You see that’s what really rubs us the wrong way. Some chap who was born poor trying to dictate policy to his betters? Merely because he’s got his hands on some money? New money, what do you expect? It’ll be the end of Great Britain if we let ball players force our hand. Heaven forbid! Good thing the football is back on. Bread and circuses! That’s what the country needs. Well, circuses. Not bread, clearly. Crickey. Don’t eat leftover pheasant for breakfast. I don’t half have some indigestion this morning. Besides, if you feed a hungry child one day, they’ll just be back the next for more. Nurse! My pills! Where in blazes is my nurse?!”

SUPPORT BUBBLES : The UK’s world beating shagger, the Prime Minister, has further eased the UK’s CV-19 lockdown measures today, after taking personal control.

The easing has added to the smirking of the sniggering classes and their suggestion that each lockdown ease is only predicated on Tory MP lifestyles. Nevertheless the PM is ploughing ahead.

“In what some pent up Tory MPs are calling a long overdue relaxing of a rule that no one with a heart would have brought in anyway, the move to allow affairs to resume has been broadly welcomed within the Tory Party,” our 10 Downing Street source reports, “it should be noted that the scientists have not been consulted. But they’ve outlived their usefulness, PR wise, anyway after they realised they were going to be stitched up for the government’s disaster out CV-19 management.

“But there is some concern the easing doesn’t go far enough,” he continues, “as numerous MPs appear to be conducting numerous affairs.”

But all is not lost, and all is definitely not found, as a keen eye over the regulations reveals some heartening fine print.

“The affairs are to be counted in what is called the Reverse Hancock. This means that frustrated, and overly sexed, MPs can conduct multiple affairs, so long as they’re aren’t on the same day. So theoretically an affair conducted on a Monday still counts as one, even if Tuesday and Wednesday and on, the affairs are with different people. It’s still just one. As the daily total is what counts, not the capacity.”

The UK’s transport tzar is said to be especially pleased, as concerns about masses of frustrated MPs driving to Barnard Castle to test their eyes, after so long in confinement, are now also relaxed.

GET DUNKING DONE : The committee overseeing the design and construction of a statue commemorating Boris Johnson’s time as PM have released a press statement today regarding their future (proof) intentions.

“No one should be in any doubt that recent events in Bristol have dissuaded the committee from forging ahead with total belief to finish our great undertaking,” a spokesman said, “and we will actually be ramping up our efforts. We have the capacity to construct a statue to celebrate our greatest current prime minister and we will fill it to the brim. Then we will take it over the edge.”

All well and good. But what about the concerns over the security of the statue, once it has been installed?

“No one will want to harm the statue of Mr Johnson,” the spokesman appeared genuinely baffled, “it is a very eye catching design. Mr Johnson is depicted in his running gear, seated on a white, wine stained sofa, a secondhand water cannon clenched in his hands, one boot sheathed in a rugby boot which is on top of a young boy and a mischievous glint in Mr Johnson’s eye. The eye by the way, it roams, constantly. Nice little touch. The other eye has a bendy bus designed into the iris and a garden bridge protruding from it. All up it’s a very representative design.”

And where will the statue be installed?

“Why on the riverbed of the Thames of course,” the spokesman shrugged, “to save time later. And the plague will be full of quotations of all of Mr Johnson’s favourite racist tropes.”

WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIFE EXPECTANCY ANYWAY : THE UK’S PUPPET KING, BORIS ‘DE PRATTLE’ JOHNSONOV, has hit back at traitors suggesting that his policy of no masks in public, in a time of RESPIRATORY PANDEMIC, is a bad one.

“Did the Spitfire pilots of WW2 wear masks?” Mr Johnsonov, who still hasn’t released the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, demanded, “Did the brave Tommy in the trenches in WW1 wear masks? Did the triumphant English knights at Agincourt wear masks? British men and women do not conceal their faces. We face danger head on.”

And while Mr Johnsonov looks determined to ignore voices that suggest masks could help save lives, some are wondering if the man who took technology lessons off a pole dancer has our best interests at heart.

“It’s because his own mask has fallen off,” one critic suggested.

“His polling is steadily dropping through the floor,” they went on, “dropping like a lead balloon. So if he was to suddenly restrict the freedoms of the citizens his primary duty is to defend, well, you might find Labour sneaking a poll lead. Not because mask wearing would offend, but because it’d be another u-turn in pandemic policy. People might start to get the sneaky feeling Mr Johnsonov isn’t up to the job. Just. Possibly.”

But others seem less concerned over the loss of Mr Johnsonov’s public mask.

“He’s the fig leaf for Dominic Cummings’ insane agenda to reorganise the UK like a three year ‘reorganising’ his bedroom after being told off for smearing scat on the living room walls. And he’s stuck fast at that. I’d worry about that.”

LET THEM EAT APPS : DOWNING STREET HAVE RESPONDED SWIFTLY TO THE INVESTIGATION BY DURHAM POLICE WITH AN INVESTIGATION OF THEIR OWN.

“We have conducted a probe of Durham Police and discovered that too few of the senior staff have received gongs,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re sure this can be corrected if they rectify the surprisingly limited amount of whitewash they keep in stock.”

The object of the probe was to determine if Durham police had broken one of the newer laws of the land by investigating the actions of unelected PM Dominic Cummings.

“Clearly it was a significant breach to even query the behaviour of God,” the source continued, “as God is above the laws of man. To compound that error by finding that God did breach the Covid-19 lockdown regulations was a grievous error that will go unforgiven. I would expect Durham to suffer a plague of locusts now. Perhaps even a great flood. Never forget that there is one rule for mankind and a very different rule of God, aka Dominic Cummings.”

What sanctions will be applied to the actual officers who conducted the investigation into Mr Cummings isn’t yet clear, but rumours are they may have to host Boris Johnson to dinner.

“He’ll be bringing his dad, who also breached guidelines designed to save lives, and perhaps Dylin the dog, dependent on whether or not the prop dog is booked anywhere else that day. That should be punishment enough to ensure no further mistakes are made.”

In the interim the Durham Police have been put into special measures, with Downing Street sending up Mark Francois to take personal control of the police.

“Those that make the laws don’t have to follow them,” the source added, “why do you think we’ve spent so long messing about with behavioural science, even though the actual science of infectious disease spread is very well understood? It’s because we can’t trust ourselves to obey the laws we make, so we can hardly trust everyone else.”

BE ALERT FOR CROCODILES WITH CLOCKS IN THEIR GUTS : LCD Views has received a hacked together video today of the Conservative’s clevererest MP. The informative footage shows James apparently resetting his famous countdown clock to mark the final moments of Boris Johnson as prime minister.

“It’s only a matter of days, or at best weeks, now,” a source inside Downing Street commented, “I mean can you imagine any way in which things improve for Johnson now? He’s stuffed. Brexit? Wow. Bring on the loss of hundreds of international agreements and trade deals right when the world goes into a recession. No one is going to have time for our nonsense. Parliament? Can he keep hiding from Keir? No. And what happens when he doesn’t? Home life? Can’t just bugger off and have a knee trembler with another woman this time there’s a squawking infant in the bedroom. And let’s not talk about his handling of CV-19.”

Let’s not. Especially not in pictures, hey British press? Plenty of grim appetite to tour the Covid nuked landscape of Europe and show visually the failure to prepare for the pandemic. But the U.K.? Tumbleweeds. Where are all the dead going? Just into the statistics.

But how will changing the prime minister improve the prospects of the Tories?

“I’m surprised you care.”

We care about people suffering and dying. Would a change at the top usher in a better era?

“Not without a GE! But we don’t want to go down that path. We’ll just knife Boris in the back if he doesn’t bugger off soon and crown someone new. Someone shiny and young with good hair and a well fitted suit.”

So not Michael Gove then?

“Well he is likely to be involved. Someone has to look Boris in the eyes and tell him it’s going to be alright as they reach around and knife him in the back. But Gove won’t get the top job, no matter how much abuse Mrs Gove hurls at people on social media.”

But who will then? Such a colourful cast to choose from. Each as shite as the next. We will find out when the clock stops.

It was fun for Boris being Boris? Well, he’s done now and he can bugger off.

THERE’S A SQUEEZE COMING : The United Kingdom is about to discover there’s no such thing as a free lunch as the time to pay for (mostly) staying alive draws near.

“We’ll be ramping up some old favourites,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “tighten our belts, all in this together, there’s no magic money tree, mostly because we’ve already felled and chipped it. And so it’s only fair the public chip in.”

What the public will think about this isn’t clear, but it’s presumed the cabinet hope that they’ll be too busy staying alert to notice the tax hikes aren’t as evenly distributed as Covid-19.

“Public spending is a lot like a virus,” the source continues, “it has to be controlled or we’ll have well resourced public services spreading like a plague across the land. This disincentivizes the gig economy. We can’t be having that.”

But why further austerity will be needed when debt is currently free won’t be answered, or even asked.

“Clearly the world’s tax havens are stuffed to the jowls with money that should be in various exchequers. And clearly the public paid for the banking crisis as the banks just took all the cash and put it into bonuses. None of this can be allowed to change. The net result allows the 1% to have an endless contest over who’s winning at life. Somebody has to pay for it. And we haven’t fostered ethno-nationalism for years now just to throw it all away on a public health crisis.”

But what about people who may find their belt is already so tight they can’t tighten it further?

“Their fault for being born with substandard genetics. Pretty obvious. And besides, they can always wear a corset.”

Get Ready to do your bit to pay for Coronavirus. It’s only fair. Just ask an inheritance millionaire.

FISHY WISHY FULFILMENT PERSONIFIED : Sources inside the Tory bunker report today that James “oh so” Cleverly has the famous countdown clock out again.

The motivation this time is not the timing of the Brexit last supper, but the moment when Tory Jesus Boris “I can’t cough all over you enough” Johnson will complete his narrative arc as the risen saviour.

“Clearly he’s not saving anyone but himself,” the source confides, “which is right and proper for a divine character (actor). The virus may not respect rank, but it doesn’t mean that plebs don’t have to.”

But the all important question is how many days is James “Nominative Determinism is Bunkem” Cleverly setting on the whirling dials of fate this time around?

“It’s not Brexit this time,” the source beams, “as Boris got that done, much like his regime got PPE and testing done. No. This is the count down to when Boris ascends to Tory heaven and leaves everyone wondering did he work magic? Or just a card up his loose, flowing, fashionable, messianic robes trick?”

Well, clearly you can expect consistency of narrative where Boris “father of hidden football team” Johnson is concerned, just not if you’re one of the many mothers of the prime minister’s many offspring.

And where does Tory Jesus go then? After 40 days as the rising dough of the Lord?

“Why to Mustique of course,” the source finishes,” in a fridge.”

REINVENTING THE WHEEL AFTER THE ROAD RACE HAS STARTED : DOWNING STREET IS thrilled to announce today that it has settled on which tax exiled billionaire, Brexit supporting businessman to build ventilators.

Nantwich firm blasts Government over delay after offering 5,000 ventilators

“After following the findings of the 2016 study into our country’s preparedness to meet a pandemic crisis with a respiratory illness, and ignoring those findings, we have now decided to give a giant contract to make ventilators to a guy that makes vacuum cleaners,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “the chap also makes hand dryers that blast microbes into the faces of users. He’s the perfect fit.”

But while no one should mistake our intent, and we are bloody happy there’s to be more ventilators, regardless of source, as lives will be saved, why an actual British ventilator manufacturer wasn’t asked to mass supply earlier is ticklish.

“The government should have given funding to existing ventilator manufacturers, and existing companies like us.”

Andrew Raynor of MEC Medical, a medical parts manufacturer, says “nothing” happened when he contacted the govt offering to make #Covid19 ventilators#Newsnight pic.twitter.com/n79KVpENbW

— BBC Newsnight (@BBCNewsnight) March 25, 2020

“Well, they can now make vacuum cleaners and hand dryers,” the 10 Downing Street source shrugged, “design them from scratch like old Dyson. Genius. And given our complete and total mishandling of the Covid-19 crisis, we’re going to have a bloody great big clean up to do afterwards. In fact, the biggest demand will be for brooms and rugs. A lot will have to be swept under a lot of rugs.”

It is hoped that the Dyson brand ventilators won’t need to be hung on a wall to recharge midway through the job.

“At least you can be sure that these are patriotic ventilators made by a British patriot offshoring in Singapore,” the source added, “and not some dodgy continental job, the like of which may have been available if we’d accepted the EU invitation for involvement in their continent wide procurement process.”

Stick a Union Jack on it and breathe in and then breathe out. Let’s just hope Dyson’s redesigned wheel doesn’t suck and is delivered ahead of time.