GLOBAL BRITAIN : Downing Street is reported to be in the “war game” zone this evening after an anonymous Tory donor gave the hapless PM a gift in the form of “Risk”. The timing could not be better.
It is hoped the role/roll playing of international conflict will aid the Prime Minister as he attempts to wrestle the nettle of what to do about the FRENCH.
“It could be a total disaster!” a frantic 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know how much discrete banking is done through Jersey? Billions and billions. Tax efficient banking for a very select list of clients. If those computers go down it’ll be mayhem for our post Brexit strategy.”
The Royal Navy is now, it is reported, on standby.
“Not to nuke Macron, although we can’t rule anything out. But if the problem over the French taking exception to our attempts to shaft them over fishing, with Jersey as the sex toy of choice, isn’t resolved and they turn off the power to all those financially focused computers…one of those new aircraft-less, aircraft carriers will have to moor itself off Jersey and run an extension lead onto the island. This is what Global Britain trains for. Let’s just hope they can pull it off. Then nuke the French.”
Other actions are also in motion with Prime Minister Boris Johnson said to be smashing through several bottles of claret in double time before writing two stiffly worded columns to see old Bonny back into his box.
“He’s either going to send Macron a letter comparing his actions to the Nazis, to build on the Telegraphs’ genius work today. Or he’ll warn the meddling French power monger by reminding them of what Global Britain did to Napoleon all on its own. Whichever letter he sends will be accompanied by a video cassette of Master and Commander, just to cause maximum mayhem!”
The turning off of Jersey’s lights is planned for 3am tomorrow morning for maximum impact. Unless the FRENCH see SENSE!
Global Britain! Don’t mess with us or we’ll punch ourselves in the face.