POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.
The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.
“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”
But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.
“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.
“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”
That much is obvious.
“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”