“So long, and I want to make this absolutely clear, so long as there’s no stairs, I would run in unarmed to a school shooting,” all round superhero and good guy, President Donald Drumpf, reassured an anxious country today, in the wake of the latest high school massacre.
”I’m faster than that Bolt guy on the flat, did you know that? A lot of people don’t know that. It’s because I trained him. I taught him everything he knows. He was an ambler when I met him.”
While some have reacted with skepticism, saying the President’s words were just idle boasting, many will be ressured by the order to remove stairs to make Trump running possible to begin with.
”They need to increase accessibility at schools,” He added, “I’ll be signing what is probably my most important executive order later today ordering the immediate levelling of schools, and this is vital, the creation of a place to park my golf cart inside gymnasiums, just in case there’s no time to run.”
The NRA was first to appalaud Trump’s words, as it means they can continue to profit off the mass murder of the country’s children under the fantastical notion that millions of high powered rifles designed to kill people as rapidly as possible make a country safer when someone like Trump has the nukes.
”Of course the SWAT team and the clean up crews would have to go in first,” Donald Trump qualified, “But I’d definitely run in, no more than two or three days after.
I do so much tweeting, just so much, I need to charge my phone rapidly, no more so than after a school shooting.
Have you seen me run around when I can’t find my charger? It’s something to see folks, you should watch sometime.”
Now at least Americans can feel safer.