“UK doesn’t need to trade with anyone to make a success of Brexit” – Minister

WHOA WHOA WHOA THERE : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIETY SAVAGED BRITS TODAY after George “Useless” Eustice did his turn on the Sunday morning chat shows, and soothed everyone over the availability of various dairy products post Brexit.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs was face to face with that notorious verbal pugilist Andrew Marr who came out swinging over dairy products.

“Look, when I was standing in a field the other day, wondering if it was my office? I saw a fine bull standing against the horizon,” Mr Eustice soothed, “his tits catching the late afternoon sun, and I thought what a splendid beast. We should genetically engineer bulls to have more tits, so there’s no milk shortage, should the dairy sector collapse completely because of Brexit.”

Clearly a man with a plan, and willing to share his thought on it.

“When I invented the idea of placing screen doors on submarines,” he sailed on, “everyone told me I would be mad to do it. But I did it anyway. That’s the spirit of Brexit. And has anyone seen any of our submarines since? I bet you haven’t. No one can even name the Defence Minister. It shows you how we’re making a success of it.”

But it seemed Mr Marr wasn’t completely satisfied, so he came at George with a slow right hook regarding tariffs.

“You’re just getting silly now Andrew. As the inventor of motorbike ashtrays, inflatable dartboards and handbrakes for canoes I can promise you today that if we don’t have any trading arrangements agreed with the EU after Brexit we simply won’t do it.”

Won’t do Brexit? – the question came from an abruptly ashen Mr Marr.

“What? No. You’re getting confused. We won’t trade. We’re definitely doing Brexit, and we’re going to make a success of it. But we don’t need to trade with anyone at all to make a success of it. And before anyone suggests it, we’re not completely barking mad and in the thrall of dark interests. We’re one nation conservatives.”

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