HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE MAD: Schools are perfectly safe, claims the man who opened them just to close them all one day later. So the news that schools must reopen on 8 March inevitably means a shutdown on March 9.
“We are Following The Science on this matter,” claimed the ubiquitous unnamed Westminster source. Trouble is, that’s a lie, and The Science has taken to giving the government a good slap as punishment.
Risk assessments have been prepared diligently. Some run to fewer pages than the average customs declaration for a consignment of fresh seafood. But they all say that a school full of children is one of the most effective ways to spread a virus.
This fact is totally off-message, and therefore may be ignored.
“I prefer to look at it this way,” said Vaccines Minister Nadhim Zahawi, struggling with his word salad. “I have been entirely clear about this. Errm… errrrmm… yes, over 50s will have been mostly partly vaccinated some time in April, possibly, which means schools are safe in March, it’s well known that March 8 is the safest day of the year, science must be made to follow policy, I fancy some toast, where’s my flag gone, erm… oh, look, a squirrel…”
“If you want more information, ask the Education Secretary!” he said in a sudden burst of deflection. “He’s got a whip and a spider, he will put you in your place!”
The minister tried to cut the call, but merely succeeded in turning himself into a cat. The cat was later seen chasing a squirrel around the neighbourhood.
Once again, children and teachers will be the guinea pigs in a herd immunity experiment. It didn’t go well last time, so the same experiment is being conducted again but with different success criteria.
If anyone finds a neutered male cat, with a fondness for computers and flags and answering to the name of Nadhim, wandering in the vicinity, please return him to Mrs Zahawi at number 59.