UK struggling to strike trade deals despite Liz Truss being in charge

NOT TO BE TRUSSTED: There’s a mystery in UK trade circles. International trade deals are simply not magically falling into the country’s lap. This is contrary to standard Brexit doctrine, and is not to be tolerated.

This is also despite world beating negotiator Liz Truss being in charge. Truss brings an indefatigable energy and competence to the job. Many have compared her favourably to the great Chris Grayling mistakenly ordering pizza for a hedgehog.

Brexit is an outstanding success, goes the government line. Therefore, the trade deals Truss managed to salvage are an outstanding success. Therefore Truss is an… well, you get the picture. No amount of reality is going to dent this cheerful belief if only one contrived narrative can be constructed.

So, now that the UK has comprehensively trashed, I mean, enhanced, its international reputation, you can trust Truss to be our Trump card. She will bring the bigliest, the bestest trade deals, none bester.

Truss is on the verge of asking to join the powerful Pacific Islands Partnership. The UK is a natural addition to the group, being just the other side of the planet. She eagerly anticipates trade deals with Tonga, the Solomon Islands, and Bikini Atoll.

“It will be free trade, not expensive trade,” announced Truss, smugly revelling in the fact that she had learned what ‘free trade’ meant. “We will have all the coconuts we can eat! And the strontium-90 does give one a good healthy glow!” 

Strontium-90, caesium-137, catch-22. No wonder we got the coconuts so cheap. 

“And it’s all tariff free! Nothing to pay there either!” Truss burbled on, exuding confidence from every greasy pore. “We will send a flotilla any day now!” 

And the radioactive coconuts won’t be Trussed up in red tape? 

“Ha ha! I see what you did there!” she giggled. “No, they will be packed in boxes, not tied up.” 

The future’s bright. Or at least, glows in the dark. 

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