HEAVY BREATHING : Breaking news right now that will have all professed patriots hot under the collar and weak at the knees with the discovery the Union Flag has opened a Tinder account.
It’s believed the decision by the flag comes after a swell in its confidence caused by receiving the advances of so many elected representatives all at once.
“It’s believed all Tory MPs, and others, are currently swiping right with hot and heavy hands in the hope of hooking up with the flag,” our proper patriots correspondent reports. “The flag has already been seen in the living rooms of numerous MPs lately, regardless of their marital status. It seems it has decided to step the action up a gear and get proper down and dirty with those that profess to want it the hardest.”
There is yet no comment from the Flag itself, who is believed to be looking down the list of admirers and deciding who really wants it the most.
“It’ll be stiff competition that’s for sure. Maybe the Flag will just play the field and see if it really gels with someone between the sheets. But word to the wise, put Elgar on the stereo and make sure your sheets are also flag patterned. You don’t want to blow your chances of shagging that flag when it’s your turn!”
The only potential problem is just how long you’ll get with the flag as it is also expected to appear in dozens of televised interviews during the week with true patriots.
“Make sure to keep it professional,” our correspondent advises. “No one needs a sex tale scandal of this nature, especially not involving a nationalist.”
Can you feel it? The urge to shag some fabric? The Union Flag knows you can. Go on and admit it and it’s definitely a swipe to the right.