MAKING SWEET SWEET LOVE TO THE FLAG : Mark Francois is facing some difficult questions indoors today after a Union Jack claimed the Essex MP is the father of its tiny baby flags.
“I just want little baby Bunting to know its daddy,” a forlorn, and well shagged looking Union Jack told LCD Views, “Mark said we would be together always and that there was no other flag for him [to shag]. And now, he’s off writing love letters to some continental chap. I feel very confused.”
Whether or not the MP for JesusWeptOMGWhyDoPeopleElectSuchEmbarrassingTwatsOverAndOver will acknowledge the offspring of the shop soiled Union Jack is not yet clear.
“He is so focused on the Potato War with Brussels he doesn’t give himself any time,” the flag sighed, “those furtive moments we shared was the only time he ever really came home to himself.”
It’s also unclear, at this stage, if the mother of so much bunting will attempt to force his hand.
“Oh you never had to force little Mark’s hand,” the flag smirked, “if you know what I mean. Such a passionate man. Say potato in a husky voice and he’s aflame. Engorged. And once he saw me on that pole dancing in the breeze he was like a steam train going into a tunnel all day.”
But whatever Mr Francois may choose to do one thing is clear, the family resemblance between the most patriotic member at Westminster and the string of bunting is undeniable.
“They’re so tiny. So pleased with themselves. So innocent of the realities of the world. Just like their tubby little daddy.”