VACKIRK : Johnson confirms “flotilla of small boats” will bring CV-19 vaccine to Dover from France

HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF IF HE TRIED : MODERN DAY SHITE CHURCHILL STRAINED TEABAG BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the HOUSE OF COMMONS today to outline plans to bring the Covid-19 vaccine to the UK in 2021, after its successful production in Germany and the Netherlands.

“It will be a MIRACLE OF DELIVERANCE,” the outgoing Prime Minister told a sparsely populated Commons VIA A VIDEO LINK BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE’S ISOLATED, “thousands of BRITISH CRAFT will ferry vaccines to Dover. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in threes, why, occasionally like Hercules, sometimes in fours.”

The plan to use the small boats draws on the WW2 evacuation of British troops, and it is believed it is the best way to terrify the virus.

“By reminding Covid-19 of our HEROIC DEEDS at Dunkirk it will know that it’s time is numbered. But while we wait for the MIRACLE we will not flag or fail. We will continue to fight Covid-19 on our beaches by having half baked, tier system lockdowns. To fight it for months in our pubs and restaurants, and in our supermarkets and friend’s houses. Only by refusing a proper lockdown can we keep Covid-19 on the back foot until we can claim the PR SUCCESS of sudden DELIVERANCE. And perhaps some friends may receive lucrative contracts for the vaccine roll out.”

But critics of the plan to use the small boats have queried if there will be a way to determine they have the right fridge specification on board to safely ferry the vaccines. And what will happen when the vaccines arrive at Dover? If Kent is suffering log jam waiting for the Brexit portaloos to be installed on motorways.

At this point the prime minister was at his most motivational.

“If there are any issues with internal movement in Kent then MATT HANCOCK will be ready to take off his Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the nearest toilet booth and emerge with his cloak flowing as the supercharged champion of vaccine delivery!”

What could possibly fail?

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