A giant vault has been discovered underneath a London address which contains spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s governing Tory cabinet.
”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all vaults and other big spaces under the Palace Of Westminster, 10 Downing Street and nearby properties each day,” a security insider told LCD Views.
It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered, by accident, that led to the fortitous discovery.
”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg somewhere with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault under the townhouse.”
The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.
”It landed with the light pointing at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”
Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.
”There was a bit of gore around it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow. And there was a bobble hat nearby. I suspect whoever used the vault lost it.”
Undeterred by the gore the officer turned the handle.
”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”
He went on to say he didn’t fall far.
”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”
The officer was able to climb out and run for help.
”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”
Whether or not police will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.
”I suspect if you match yesterday’s tweets from serving cabinet ministers, and some other Tory MPs, to the spines, you will be able to see who is missing theirs. It’s a fairly straightforward process. I wouldn’t be surprised if the prime minister’s spine is in the pile.”
But who owns the property that sits over the vault?
“Some guy from Durham,” the officer shrugged, “I’m not allowed to say his name out loud or it summons him. Not that I see that as too much of a risk as he’s usually dancing to Abba in the garden of his parents’ place in Durham.”