Wasting £250m on useless PPE is good value for Britain, says Michael Gove

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR CHICKS FOR FREE: That’s the way you do it. Handout means handout, remarked Michael Gove gnomically, as the garden gnome of international politics defended Government spending.

“Let me be absolutely clear about this,” he continued, before spinning a web of nonsense so cunning you almost have to admire it. “We are supporting and encouraging small businesses on the world stage. Mistakes may be made, through inexperience or overconfidence, and we, the British public, would do well to forgive this!”

All we can see is snouts in the trough, your buddies helping themselves to our hard earned cash, suggested LCD Views’ Gravy Train correspondent.

“No, no, no, not at all,” replied Gove, surreptitiously removing flecks of white powder from beneath his left nostril. “This is an investment in the future of Global Britain! I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the directors of the companies to which you refer happen to know Dominic Cummings. It is a fact, though, that highly successful people tend to move in the same circles.”

Gove gazed at our correspondent through the lens of his webcam, with that look of bland innocence that only years of experience and an overindulgence of Botox can produce.

How can buying useless untested items from an unreliable supplier at premium prices using one of Cummings’ mates be regarded as ‘good value’?

“It will cement relationships with countries with whom we wish to strike exciting trade deals,” said Gove. “Especially Columbia. Their products are world beating!”

But you have actually bought coverings from China, not cocaine from Columbia!

“That was the plan,” admitted Gove. “But unfortunately Chris Grayling got involved with it. And now we are stuck with warehouses full of masks and gowns that we can’t even give away, and I’m going to have to spaff even more taxpayers’ money up my nose for my stockpile of, erm, pick me ups.”

Sniff, sniff. Not a dry nose in the house.

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