FUR COAT BUT NO KNICKERS: Union Jack branding is the latest government exercise in reviving our flagging sovereignty. Every man, woman and child of true blue British origin will be obliged to wear patriotic pants, or else be deported to Ascension Island.
Dress For Britain! is the latest three word slogan. Companies unconnected to the rag trade, but not unconnected to Tory party donors, will produce the jingoistic underwear.
“Going commando will not be an option,” explained Mandatory Patriotism Minister, Budgie Smugglers. “Unless our loyal subjects wish to have their nether regions tattooed in red, white and blue. I’ll run that one up the flagpole.”
Who could possibly object?
“Nobody, that’s the beauty of the scheme,” replied a clearly excited Smugglers. “But just in case, we are employing an extra 20,000 enforcement officers. The Proudly Patriotic Pants Police will perform spot checks to ensure that everyone has spotless pants.”
Won’t this eliminate the element of personal choice, so beloved of the free-market right wing?
“Not at all,” said Smugglers. “There’s always a choice. Wear the pants, or if you hate the country that much you can just leave. It makes getting dressed more efficient. There will be no more prevaricating over what to wear, just slip on your patriotic polyester and away you go!”
There are other advantages.
“It’s very easy to see at a glance whether somebody is following the regulations,” said Smugglers with a patronising note in his voice. “Anyone taking pride in their country will instantly drop ‘em for a strange man in the street, I know I would!”
There are those who are a bit shy about showing their smalls to a complete stranger.
“Clearly traitors, or, even worse, remoaners,” said Smugglers. “It’s a bit of cheeky fun, isn’t it? Give us a quick flash, have a giggle, and go, it’s just like being in a British seaside postcard!”
And if all else fails, just act the superhero and wear your pants outside your trousers.