Wetherspoons closes after customers offered British shellfish instead of foreign cod

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:  Wetherspoons, the popular budget shithole for undiscerning Brexiters, has been forced to close. This is a result of people power. Democracy is alive and kicking.

Brexity ‘Spoons supremo Tim Martin has broken cover recently to complain about his profits. In an effort to back Brexit, he decided to serve Happy British Fish instead of that foreign muck in his pubs. This did not go down well.

“I don’t know much about food, but I know what I like!” bellowed former regular Carl Sberg. ”When I go to ‘Spoons, I want proper fish and chips, not something Frenchy with bleedin’ shells on! I ask you. This isn’t what we voted for!”

Unfortunately Carl, it’s exactly what you voted for.

This was the story up and down the land. Nobody could convince the hardcore ‘Spooners that mussels were, in fact, British, and cod was foreign.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Martin immediately set out on a crusade, to reassure customers that all was well. Unfortunately for him, “More mussels than Brussels!” did not prove to be a winning slogan.

Desperater times call for desperater measures. Martin decided to go on TV and force feed live oysters to his daughter.

Unsurprisingly this didn’t work either, a mutiny by young Miss Martin being a decisive factor.

There was nothing left but to apportion blame. “We used to buy and sell loads of fish, so what has changed?” he bleated. “It’s the evil EU, treating us like the third country we insisted on becoming. Who won the war, that’s what I want to know. Don’t they realise that we are British?”

Nothing to do with the fact that British palates just aren’t, in the main, accustomed to langoustines and other weird seafood.

The only winners are the shellfish. With the fishing fleet entangled in red tape, our crabs and lobsters are grinning from ear to ear. Well they would be if they had ears. And if they could grin.

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