Williamson to send every school cardboard cut out of new “Corporal Punishment” mascot to improve discipline

SIX OF THE BEST : EDUCATION SUPERHERO GAVIN WILLIAMSON has identified that parents are to blame for the damage to their children’s education during the pandemic, and he’s doing something about it.

It is important to note from the start that it is not the government’s shambolic and lethal handling of the virus, nor the ball-achingly inefficient Education Secretary and his likely biases which percolate his every decision.

“When kids return to school after the Easter break they’ll be faced with a dominating new figure in the classroom, Corporal Punishment, that will ensure weak willed and lazy teachers have the ally they need to maintain discipline,” an Education Secretary aide told LCD Views.

“Teachers have had most of the year off, so they will gain from knowing the boss is watching them too. Although rumours the Williamsons will have remote controlled cameras in their heads are unfounded, as the cameras are manufactured in the EU and were ordered on Amazon. They are currently lost in transit in a customs park somewhere.”

The Corporal Punishment mascots will be in the form of a cardboard cut-outs of the Education Secretary himself styled after a Victorian Era Lance-Corporal of the British Army.

“The cardboard has been made by taking a genetic sample of Williamson, who is surprisingly made of 100% cardboard, and most of it rather wet. We were able to culture this in a lab with a sample of verbal diarrhoea and grow the cardboard on mats. World beating British innovation in action. It is likely a technology we can export.”

Critics of the scheme are certain to do their usual routine of wanting to know which Tory Party donor has been given the tender to produce the hundreds of thousands of cardboard cut-outs that will be required, weekly, but they will be missing the point entirely.

“The children will be required to construct the Williamsons which will bring them close to the prime minister, seeing as the first day’s lesson will be arts and crafts. Obviously the children will need to be drunk. The national anthem must be played during the sessions and the Union Flag saluted every half hour.”

The success of the scheme is guaranteed, given that it is based on having cardboard cut-outs of police officers standing outside pound stores, in place of the real officers who are busy guarding the Winston Churchill statue.

“Real broom handles will be held by the Williamsons and the children will know that Corporal Punishment is there, accusing their parents of mishandling the pandemic. We expect discipline to improve in double time.”

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