OUR FINEST SHOWER : PANIC at 10 Downing Street today after the SHOCKING discovery this morning that the statue of Winston Churchill has left this septic isle.
It’s believed the inanimate lump of metal, which by the way is prized by the Boris Johnson government more than life itself, slipped out of the police cordon sometime during the night.
“The officers were facing outward,” a 10 Downing Street source explains. “You never know when a woman with a banner protesting against violence to women will need to be forced to the ground and sat on by a crack team of riot police. That’s when Churchill left. We’re completely stumped as to why.”
But the departure of the statue looks set to cause a diplomatic incident with reports drifting back across the ENGLISH Channel that it has been sighted in Paris.
“We’ve heard the rumours that the Churchill statue has claimed political asylum in France. That seems highly unlikely to me. Why would he? What’s wrong with the facist leaning nationalism of famous liberal Boris Johnson’s government?”
Quite what measures will be undertaken to locate the statue, and indeed what response will be forthcoming from the executive should the statue be confirmed as having claimed asylum with THE FRENCH isn’t yet clear.
“When the prime minister wakes up for breakfast this afternoon he will be right on top of a detail,” the source reassured.
The Home Office is said to have already swung into action though, with Priti Patel ordering the border force to turn back the statue should it attempt to return by boat.
“As it is now legally an asylum seeker it has become Ms Patel’s natural enemy. Dan the clandestine channel threat commander will be on the lookout. He’ll do anything to get a biscuit or even a new chew toy from his boss.”
The mystery will presumably resolve itself in the hours to come, but it’s likely the statue left in protest, having had enough of living in Boris Johnson’s finest shower.