Woman apprehended sitting on dozens of barrels of scandal underneath Westminster

News is breaking across Westminster this morning that a woman has been arrested sat upon dozens of barrels of inflammatory scandal underneath Westminster Palace.

The woman, described as middle aged, grey haired, gaunt and wearing a chain around her neck that you could flog a rhino to death with, was taken into custody early this morning after security guards checked the dark cavities beneath the home of global democracy.

LCD Views sent a drone flying down to the scene because all of our reporters are sleeping off their Saturday night and no one would answer even their personal phone.

Editorial staff have transcribed the words of mainstream media correspondents reporting live from the scene.

“Just before dawn this morning alarm bells and cries clamoured in the catacombs underneath Westminster Palace as security guards sweeping for homeless people to eject startled an easily terrified woman in the shadows.”

Rumours already circulating suggest she had been spotted some days ago rolling heavy barrels leaking with inflammatory sleaze down into the dark spaces, but it was decided to watch and apprehend her with even redder hands.

“We all had to paint our hands red at the start of each shift, last few days,” Watchman G. Clooney told Sky News.

“Apparently we weren’t allowed to catch her in any fashion other than red handed.”

It’s believed they caught her in time too.

The contents of the barrels are yet to be exposed, but samples of the leakage suggest sex, lies and corruption on a scale rarely witnessed in a supposedly healthy and accountable democracy.

“One thing is certain,” G. Clooney illuminated. “So many of them have been at it for so long, by the time the various scandals in these barrels are exposed it’s going to reveal a ferocious orgy in which the one thing that’s been f*cked the hardest is our democracy.”

(Anyone finding a battered drone with masking tape holding the camera lens on is asked to return it to LCD Views via electronic mail, first class. Thank you.)

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