The government has today announced a change in the country’s official religion. No longer will we be assumed to be Church Of England (unless otherwise stated). The new dominant church is the Church Of Brexit.
High priests of the new Official Religion will be arrayed in red, white and blue. The Bishops of the Church will wear Union Jack waistcoats. The Archbishop of Brexit will also wear a top hat and carry a cane. This is to represent both John Bull and the successful businessman out of Monopoly.
The priesthood – known as “Directors” – will assemble in the Temples of Brexit. Every boardroom across the land will be converted to such a Temple. These Temples will reflect the glory and power of their God. Only the priests will be allowed to set foot in the Holiest of Holies. It will be forbidden to utter the name of this God, although rumour has it that He will be referred to as The HOARD.
Ordinary Church members will congregate in lesser, public meeting-houses (“pubs” for short). They will perform the eucharist of The HOARD by drinking His blood, represented by beer, and eating His body, represented by crisps. England has died. England is risen. England will come again!
Services will be taken by serving wenches, who will serve for as bloody well long as the punters want them to bloody well serve.
Songs of celebration will be sung. The congregation will rise, and with one voice proclaim the Glory of The HOARD. These hymns of praise to Brexit will include football chants and salacious variations on well-known popular songs.
And the people shall recite the prayer that Our Saviour taught us, saying:
Our Farage, who art in denial,
Nigel be your name.
Thy knighthood come!
The Will Of Thy People be done
In St Erth as it is in Devon.
Give us this day our Daily Mail.
And forgive us our traitors,
As we condemn those who betray our country.
Lead us not into Europe,
But deliver us from Brussels.
For thine is the England,
The beer and the cricket.
Brexit means Brexit!