The government was back in fighting form today with the announcement that two billion pounds will be spent by Saturday to set up a shiny new Ministry of Excuses and Whataboutery.
”It’s a matter of urgency,” Tory Patsy MP, who no one has ever heard of before, told LCD Views, “and I am honoured to accept the position of Secretary of State for Excuses. My work will focus predominately on the decisions made by our current prime minister when she was home office minister 2010-2016.”
The Ministry is expected to poach civil servants from across Whitehall initially, before hiring thousands from an agency in which the prime minister’s undeclared second cousin’s former dogwalker’s husband is rumoured to have a share in. This is only alleged, as the company is registered in a tax haven no one can be certain.
”I think tomorrow I’ll just stand outside the entry to DExEU, as a starter,” Tory Patsy revealed, “as a quarter of their staff quit each day, fed up with making excuses for why David Davis is in the Commons bar and not reading his briefs. They’re experts.”
We understand the order to establish the Ministry of Excuses says it will answer directly to 10 Downing Street too?
“The prime minister is pretty pushed trying to arrange the omnishambles of Brexit, she’s not going to get that bungled good and proper to enrich antiques like Rees-mogg and chums if she’s taken up full time apologising for decisions made by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 to 2016.”
We understand that whataboutery will be under your remit too?
”Yes, if excuses fail then you need to tar your opposition with the same brush as rapidly as possible. It’s a key to good governance.”
Tory Patsy MP thank you for your time today. By the way, are you aware your fly is undone?
”And you’ve got some tomato sauce on your tie, which to be frank is just as disturbing.”