Secretary of State for Magnificent Failures Chris Grayling has revealed his true motivation in authorising the third runway at Heathrow airport. It is to allow his esteemed colleague Boris Johnson to fly in and out of the country in his private jet whenever he feels the need.
“It’s a no-brainer,” Grayling boasted in a conversation overheard by LCD’s Phone-Tapping correspondent. “Boris needs to go to foreign parts, as he is Foreign Secretary. His latest mission was in secret, to France, to pick up an early consignment of blue passports. Just to keep on the right side of the law. You can’t be too careful, some of the backbenchers are starting to get suspicious.”
“Failing” Grayling went on to justify the expense as a “Brexit benefit”, although he didn’t specify how a private runway for a prominent buffoon would boost the economy.
“Off-railing” Grayling boasted about his other recent success, the train from Newcastle to Reading that took a wrong turn, and ended up in Manchester. “I am very pro-choice,” he bragged. “There is no reason why trains should not be released from the tyranny of signalmen, and choose their own destiny. Manchester is a much more exciting and vibrant place than Reading, even if it is in the North.”
The use of taxpayers’ money for Johnson’s plane has not yet been authorised. However, terrified Tories will be whipped until they approve it. Labour will mount stiff resistance by abstaining, and allow Boris his private jet by default.
“I’m delighted with the news,” said a beaming Boris. “What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, as Nanny used to say. Now is the summer of my great content. I’m most fantangulously combobulated!”
Until the plane arrives, Boris will just have to make do with a zip wire.
The only remaining uncertainty is the location of the runway. It may be detached from Heathrow for convenience. After all, there are several poor areas of London not far from Westminster which are ripe for being concreted over.