LCD Views can report this morning that extensive laboratory testing carried out overnight on the toilet paper stuck to Donald Trump’s sole has shown it to be far cleaner than his soul.
”It was just an ungodly mess,” Professor Seint Petyr of the Hades Institute for Judging People told LCD Views,
“in all my years of work, both in the field and in the lab, I’ve rarely seen some two-ply paper which was inadvertently dropped on the floor rather than in the bowl in this condition.”
The Professor showed us a series of slides at this point. We have chosen not to reproduce because we are a clean and hygienic publication.
”How the paper managed to remain intact and stuck to the shoe of the serial draft dodging, misogynistic tax evader is anyone’s guess. We can’t even guess and we’re experts! So once we set to comparison of the paper and the soul of the dog whistling racist, white supremacy advocating president who somehow still made it into the Oval Office in spite of being on tape confessing to serial sexual harassments, well, we had to hold our noses. Nothing really prepared us for what we found embedded in the crinkles and folds of Donald Trump’s soul. Quite amazing. I doubt even the strongest bleach will remove the accumulation of hate peddling, self serving shit that adheres there. External fire may burn it off, but would probably result in the destruction also of the underlying substance. And then think of how efficient the ventilation will need to be.”
Given the devastating results of the analysis, we thought it only fair to allow the paper itself comment.
”I couldn’t believe it,” the toilet paper that was stuck to the President of the United State’s shoe said, “I don’t know how much Soros paid the numerous aides and security accompanying the president not to mention to him he had me stuck to his sole before he was filmed? But I would hazard a guess at nothing at all. They presumably just keep quiet and tried not to laugh out loud,
”I mean if you were one of that big child’s minders who had to constantly contend with his tantrums, wouldn’t you?”