Westminster police are appealing for the assistance of the public today after the release of the image of a notorious fly pitcher spotted flogging peerages from an open briefcase on College Green.
“She could talk the knickers off a nun,” PC Dee Tective, in charge of efforts to combat illegal street trading in the area, told our crime and punishment correspondent, “well, not so much talk, but offer an incentive of either a billion pounds or a knighthood.”
The street hawker, nicknamed Bung by locals, is held in little affection in the locality and over the last several years has become an increasing nuisance to people attempting to get anything useful done.
“It’s mostly the way Bung calls out when she stalls out,” Dee explained, “knighthood means knighthood, peerage means peerage, privy council means privy council, red, white and blue knighthoods, pick any colour you like! They’re all red, white and blue! Like this. Day in and out. It’s driving people nuts.”
Of course more serious is the loss of credibility of the honour system, an integral part of British democracy, as Bung flogs counterfeit or damaged honours for a song from the paving, before legging it.
“There’s some many knights and lords, dames and damsels wandering about College Green now it’s hard to know who to doff your cap to,” PC Tective said, “and not to mention the waste created. Knock off knighthoods spoil rapidly. Bung dumps them in the alleyways if she gets the merest whiff of myself or one of my colleagues. They don’t half stink. I think she’s losing her touch a bit, as she used to shred any evidence of wrongdoing, not just discard it willy nilly.”
But the scourge of College Green may soon be feeling a little hot under the collar.
“There’s a big vote in the House of Commons coming up tomorrow,” PC Dee Tective said, “you can bet your last squid Bung will be out on the pavement attempting to make a killing this afternoon. And we’ll be ready to pounce. Unless of course we’ve been ordered not to intervene by some mysterious, shadowy mastermind higher up the food chain.”
Anyone seeing Bung is asked to phone the police and report the sighting and is advised not to approach.
“We don’t need any have a go heroes. Let us do our job. You get too close to bung you’re liable to discover later that your freedom to move across an entire continent has been robbed from your back pocket.”