We’ve all heard the term “Act of God” applied to freak accidents that nobody could have planned for, like a bolt of lightning most commonly. The latest incident to be described as such is the sinkhole near the White House, and in this instance it is literally true as the Almighty has claimed responsibility for it.
He made the following statement this morning to the assembled press:
“Yes, that sinkhole was my doing, I was aiming for Trump and missed. I’m sorry everyone, I’m a little out of practice with these things. I can’t get him with lightning because the little coward runs away and takes hiding at the first drop of rain, and I can’t just hurl a thunderbolt out of nowhere, it needs a bit of warming up. I’m sorry for any disruption that I caused, and for all the harm that I’ve failed to prevent. I do promise to try again but it might take a while to restore my full energy.”
This would not be the first time a divine force has attacked an American president.
“Yes I tried putting something in George W. Bush’s pretzel that time,” God went on, “but that didn’t work either. One dead mortal once told me I was having a mid-eternity crisis. I need to go on a refresher course, just to get my aim back. My omnipotence isn’t quite as omni- as it used to be. Remember what I did to Lot’s wife? Now that was an Act of God! I need to get like that again, and I’ll do it, you’ll see, or my name isn’t Nigel Jehovah Almighty.”
“Yes. Jehovah is my middle name, but it’s the name I use on all correspondence, you know, like Paul McCartney, his first name is James. And mine is Nigel but I don’t like using it, especially at the moment with that little rat Farage spewing bile everywhere. He’s on my list of targets too, just you wait.”
We will wait, with baited breath.