The House of Commons is an unusually quiet place today after Queen Elizabeth exercised her sovereignty over the elected chamber and issued an ASBO on all MPs, after reportedly “having had it up to the rafters with the lot of them”.
“The Queen, resplendent in a blue dress studded with golden stars, with matching hat, and slippers by Giveittome, issued the anti-social restraining order at a little before midnight last night, after reviewing that evening’s votes in the House of Commons on Tatler’s official twitter feed,” our royal features correspondent reports, before going on to opine,
“Her Majesty, who can draw a direct line back to King Alfred the Great, via some not so great monarchs, and some really rather decent ones, has ginormous palaces, so if she’s had something up to the rafters, well, that’s a lot of something.”
It’s reported the ability to slap an ASBO on the House of Commons is one of the few hereditary powers still vested in the crown and the Queen doesn’t issue them lightly. And normally only to Prince Phillip.
“The sheer girth and weight of the seal press used to affix the red wax to the parchment detailing the ASBO requires the help of several ladies in waiting, just to get it into the air,” our correspondent continues,
“from there the Queen issues the traditional call of ‘stand bally well back chaps!’ and releases the seal to land with a thud in the wax, affirming that Her Majesty is sick to the back teeth with you, whether those teeth are dentures or not, we can not say.”
The royal order will stay in place until such a time as the House of Commons takes “the opposable digit out of its posterior and moves to protect the food and medicine supplies of the British people, not to mention the economic livelihood of millions of my subjects, that the leaders of both the Conservatives and Labour seem to think are balls to juggle between them like a rancid pair of clueless jesters at a debauched feast put on by Henry VIII.”
As a side note, bookies are now taking bets on which MP will be the first to break the conditions of the ASBO, with the smart money being on David Davis getting hammered at the Commons bar and deciding it’s time to give an interview on how we just have to hold our nerve and the EU will collapse.
“That’s just nonsense,” our royal correspondent says, “as Davis is clearly going to be the first to collapse after challenging himself to a drinking contest. He’ll be up before the magistrates by the weekend, shabbily dressed in a suit that needs pressing, with a waft of too much aftershave, after busting the terms of the ASBO, if he’s not careful.”