British woman wins the coveted Golden Brown Paper Bag award at the international bribery convention

The international bribery convention was held earlier this week, in an undisclosed location, believed to be a tax haven. The star of the show was a surprise newcomer, Theresa May. She won the evening’s top award at her very first convention ever.

May was not the only political figure present, of course. Almost every Central and South American leader was present. Many African dictators had charged an excessive figure to national expenses simply to be there. Most were competing for the Endurance award.

Notable delegates also included John Redwood, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Aaron Banks, and almost every other figure who has moved his wealth out of the UK in the last few years. They all won honorary awards in the Brexit Bandits section.

In a class of his own was Donald Trump. Trump entered himself into every single category, claiming on Twitter that he was guaranteed to win bigly.

Beside these highly disrespectful figures, the professionally disrespectful mobsters, black marketeers and pirates seemed almost respectable. None won any awards this year. Mutterings were heard about world leaders encroaching on their turf, and embezzling all the funds they normally used to bribe the judges.

May was ecstatic after the event. “I am delighted to receive international acclaim for my achievements,” she said, in that Margaret-Thatcher-meets-fingers-scraping-a-blackboard voice. “At last, the world recognises my ceaseless endeavours. I have, tonight, received an overwhelming mandate to continue with Brexit regardless of any facts or advice. And Jeremy Corbyn can go f**k himself with that fencepost he always sits on!”

Donald Trump pronounced himself “disappointed” to only win the Novice award. “It’s a WITCH HUNT!!!” he tweeted. “Crooked Hillary and the undemocratic DEMS hunted that witch who won in my place. Sad! WE MUST BUILD THE WALL AT ONCE TO STOP THIS EVIL!!!”

Just when you think this government can sink no lower, it goes and raises the bar. Bribery means bribery.

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