LCD Views has received an imaginary memo, purportedly leaked from the offices of BBC Radio 4 flagship ‘Today’ programme, which details why Nigel Farage will not now replace John Humphrys when he retires sometime this year.
“It’s pretty simple,” our BBC watcher says, “Farage is known to be fairly supportive of Brexit, but he can’t match John Humphrys’ level of bombastic enthusiasm. Continuity is important with a change of this magnitude.”
While many just assumed Farage would step into Humphrys’ shoes when he retires, it seems senior management have consulted with their bosses at 55 Tufton Street who advised they must find someone who can build on Humphrys’ body of work.
“They need someone who can really promote the sensible use of taxpayer’s money in turning the UK into a tax haven. This needs a figure of gravitas who is so comfortable in his biases and well padded nest of nostalgia he’ll readily be an unwitting megaphone of toxic nationalism,
“This is needed to enrage just enough of the electorate to scare the main political parties into pandering to it. And then watch what happens to the tax rates and the UK’s public services! That’s the prize, right there. That’s Brexit. It’s also actually Lexit, which is quite cute when you think about it.”
Whoever is found to replace the stalled-wart of BBC broadcasting will be allowed a grace period to develop their own style.
“They’ll be given John’s scripts to start off with. You know, the same one every day, nonsense like ‘the people voted overwhelmingly to leave the European Union and start eating their pets’, ‘the British people decided to become the world’s laughing stock, to the relief of North Korea’ and so on.”
Nick Robinson is reportedly willing to double up his own output of de-contextualised nonsense while a suitable replacement is found to keep him company.
“My money is on them digging up either Mosley or Lord Haw-Haw, but we’ll have to wait and see, they may opt to rise a new star and pluck a pineapple vest wearing lunatic off the streets. Which incidentally is apparently how John plans to spend his time in retirement.”
Why not just stick some electrodes into a side of salty British gammon, put it next to a microphone and be done with it?