Great news today for lovers of fiscal policy tightening by government with the announcement that HMG is to create “The Graylings”, gongs for the Secretary of State, and other ministers, who waste the most public money annually.
”It’s pretty much open season on the public finances,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “we know we’re running out of time in seeming control of the country and its finances, so it’s grab as much cash as you can before the sheriff rides into town and we have to scarper for the hills. All those non-exec positions on the boards of companies that have benefitted massively from our policy decisions, while having a pad next to Dave “trotters” Cameron in Nice.”
But why waste time creating the Graylings? Surely you’ve got more pressing things to do?
”We want our legacy to last long after we’ve finished doing the work of 55 Tufton Street. The Grayling award will help with that. Automatic elevation to the Lords and a £350m pot to the winner annually. Sweet.”
Other awards are also planned.
”The Chope, a pin on your lapel star for the most regressive and morally repulsive MP, to be awarded weekly, as it’s such a crowded field,
”The Mays, for the public servant hell bent on a path regardless of how much evidence has piled up that it’s insane; that public money isn’t going to find its way into private pockets via catastrophe without a good push from the top you know!”
I hear there’s talk too of the Johnson, what’s that one?
“That’s in honour of man of the moment, bastion of piffle paffle and casual racism himself, Boris Johnson.”
What’s the entry criteria to be in the running for a Johnson?
”Easy, you just need to be the biggest rooster in the show. Some said, given how much public money he wasted while Mayor of London it’s too similar to the Grayling, but we think he deserves a special award based on his personality alone.”
The Grayling, you’ve got to be in it to win it. To win it you’ve got to be an idiot.