The UK government has the begging bowl out well and truly this morning with the breaking, and broken, news that it has applied to the IMF for an emergency loan.
“This was completely foreseeable,” Chancellor Philip Hammond phoned up to tell us (from wherever he hides out waiting for life after Brexit),
“I just want my life back. I just want to be able to count money in peace, mine and everyone else’s. I don’t want to be dragged into politics. Right now I’m supposed to be working on a fantasy novel, called the “Spring Budget”, not running off to the IMF with my hat in my hands!”
But running off to the IMF today he is after some idiot left Chris Grayling unsupervised with the UK’s finances.
”It’s one of those modern office wheezes,” Hammond explained, “where you get everyone to do everyone else’s job for a day. They should have known letting Grayling open the treasury’s emails was going to end in disaster! Look what happened after they allowed that screaming fool pretend to be PM at No 10!”
But it seems allow Grayling to open the treasury’s emails they have.
”Why he opened only the emails marked ‘spam’ I can’t tell you,” Hammond fizzed, “and why after opening one claiming to be from a Nigerian prince he did what it instructed? Well, you tell me!”
Probably because he’s exceptionally gifted at losing taxpayer money via easily foreseeable and terrible decisions? And should have been sacked a long time ago?
”That’s on the money. But don’t ask me to say it publicly and don’t tell anyone where you found me!”
Mr Hammond, most invisible chancellor since the beginning of time, thank you for your time.
“And I’m still waiting for that fruits of the sea pizza to arrive that he promised to order for me!”