The UK’s Defence Secretary, Gavin ‘blowback’ Williamson, has announced he is to put his privates on parade.
”I’m just so feckin’ desperate for someone to look at me!” someone claiming to be the former fireplace salesman phoned up to say,
“I’ve tried starting a naval war with China because I didn’t realise we got rid of all of our ships! I’ve tried having verbals with the Kremlin but then they started releasing all my former transgressions to the press! I’ve got to pause for breath! Hang on.”
(heavy breathing down the line and the sound of a paper bag being exhaled into)
”I’ve threatened to put tanks on the streets to stop knife crime. A bloody big tank shell into the backside of a hoodie will do it! Buy us dozens of votes in the shires! But people just laughed at me and looked away again. Hang on!”
(sound of sobbing down the line)
”Don’t people know I own a bloody spider that I keep in a tank? I got it an antique leopard tank for Christmas, but now I’m scared to go in there! Hang on.”
(sound of furious head scratching on the line)
”So now I’m going to put my privates on display down Pall Mall! That’ll get me a bloody headline!”
Quite what army chiefs will think about this is anybody’s guess.
”I just want to be taken seriously! I just want to push Boris out of the headlines. Look at me! Somebody take me seriously! I’m a lethal weapon! Write headlines about me! Here! Look at my privates! These privates you’re looking at qualify me to be prime minister as soon as May gets out of line!”
Well, he’s definitely a weapon of one kind. But perhaps not the kind he has in mind.