Do you know where your MP is? Fit elected reps with GPS trackers so it’s harder to take bungs

LCD Views can report today on a great leap forward in the struggle to prevent our democratically elected representatives using their worst judgement to settle complex and deeply impactful (like, a comet hitting the land hard impactful) issues.

“We propose fitting all 650 MPs with GPS trackers,” Professor Health, of the What the FCUK are you DOING with my DEMOCRACY Institute for Worrying, Lancashire (somewhere there), told us,

“that way when they’re out of the sight of Emily Maitlis or Jon Snow we know what they’re doing.”

What an angst strewn, fictional character, who’s recently discovered he’s shagging his aunt, from a long running TV franchise has to do with stopping MPs taking bribes to back MV3 is not clear, so we’ve decided it’s best to use the excellent real life, Channel 4 reporter instead.

“Once we have them tagged we can intervene when May, or one of her last remaining allies, pulls them aside for a quiet chat to ask what it will take? Perhaps £50 for the local playground? Maybe we lose that file on that little misdemeanour from a couple of years back? Maybe you don’t ever have to sit next to Gavin Williamson at a party dinner again? What’ll it take to back MV3, 4, 5, 6 and 97?”

But if we know where they are, how will we stop them doing what goes against the interests of the country?

“Simples. We’ll have May and her gang tagged too. We set a human monitor in front of a screen. Once we see two dots, or more, coalescing in any given location, we simply parachute in Emily Maitlis to give them the now famous disparaging side stare. It’s done for Barry Gardiner forever. It’ll do for the rest of them too.”

Are there any potential drawbacks to the system?

“Yes. We’ll always know where Boris Johnson is and what he’s up to. And that’s going to be appalling.”

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