LCD Views can report the made up story that Westminster MPs are being put through almost constant fire safety drills this week as the temperature inside the Palace of Westminster rises.
“The risk of a gammon MP spontaneously combusting is now extreme to critical,” a House of Commons fire safety warden told us, “it’s problematic personally.”
Why is that?
“I have to wear a hi-viz vest whenever we have a drill,” the aide replied, “I keep getting rugby tackled by security staff who think I’m a bloody rent-a-gob, pay for view, pavement neo-nazi who somehow got inside the building! Why couldn’t they pick on a type of hat? Why take a vest used in so many fields in day to day work? Or just wear a pineapple slice on their head!”
Pineapple goes well with ham, especially on pizza.
“Lord almighty! Don’t bring Hawaiian pizza’s into it. That’s almost as divisive as Brexit.”
So how are the safety drills going?
“Poorly. The gammon MPs don’t listen to anyone but themselves. The bell rings and there’s no reaction. Francois, Bridgen, Jenkyns or another of the clueless porcine hand puppets just keeps grunting away in barely comprehensible assertions while rolling around in salt. We have to lure them out with truffles. And truffles aren’t cheap. On the plus side, the other MPs leap at the chance to get out of the chamber.”
But do you expect one of them to actually explode? Are the drills worth it? There’s a lot of important not deciding anything going on.
“Most of them are cooking slowly in their juices, it’s true,” the warden shrugged, “but sooner or later one of the men is going to explode and it’ll be chunks of gammon all over the walls and floor.”
Probably even the ceiling.
“If another Cooper/Letwin bill gets passed by one vote, like last night, I doubt there will be a ceiling afterwards. At least not on the level of pig ignorant rage you’ll get from the Brexiter MPs, who never bother to understand anything.”
Maybe just wrap them in a fire blanket first?
“Pigs in blankets? Now there’s a thought. Not only are they tasty, but that way you can contain any explosions.”