BREAKING : News from the front lines of the English Civil War says that Brexit has retreated to Rochester Castle in Kent and is preparing to hold out against a summer long siege, laid by Remainers.
“I don’t really like the word besieged,” Corporal Francois shouted over the castle walls to our front line reporter, “sounds suspiciously French. Just like my name. Just like Farage. AT WHAT POINT CAN WE START DRINKING EACH OTHER’S WEE?”
Wait until the siege has exhausted your drinking water Corporal Francois.
While Corporal Francois, accompanied by Privates Bridgen and Dorries, were the first to enter the castle, the forces of Brexit are still strung out in disarray across the countryside of Southeast England, struggling to reach the temporary sanctuary.
“Reports are coming in of desertions along the way,” our embedded reporter reports, “Captain Oborne is said to have deserted even before the pivotal battle overnight at Brussels, having read the lay of the land and desperately attempting to still appear as a thoughtful political intellectual,
“So too Lieutenant Ferrari, although Lance Corporal Fraser is believed to have assumed command of both diminished battalions and is doggedly leading them on towards Rochester Castle, suffering fire from sharpshooters as they race between thickets. It’s not certain they are carrying enough slogans to see off the harassing outriders of the Remainers.”
But all is not lost for the weary troops of Brexit as it seems Field marshall May arrived ahead of the lot and has secured herself inside the castle’s keep in order to plan the defence of the stronghold.
“Field marshall May has apparently secured relief supplies of cans to kick within the castle perimeter for some time yet, while she waits to see if her ceasefire with Sargent Corbyn yields any tangible benefits.”
The actions of the privately trained and allegedly Sovietly funded, sorry! We mean £3 a pop funded militia, under the command of Sargent Corbyn (who refuses to accept a higher rank out of solidarity with the rank and file), may well be key to deciding the outcome of the siege, with some reports suggesting he will break the siege and free May’s forces to once again harry the manufacturing and service economy across the English landscape.
“I wouldn’t be holding out for Corbyn’s militia to save the day,” our reporter shrugs, “those forces specialise in sitting on fence posts firing in all directions, but never taking a decisive move on the field of battle.”
Whatever happens next, one thing is certain, unless May raises the white flag of surrender, the green fields surrounding Rochester Castle will be littered with the corpses of simple slogans flung over the walls in kamikaze acts of self sacrifice in the months ahead.
“If there’s no snack bar I’m out,” Corporal Francois shouts out definitely from the walls, “send Mars Bars! Send Snickers! Send small shot in the form of Maltesers!”
It’s going to be a long, hot, attritional summer as Brexit is besieged and ground out.