Donald Trump claims the Shroud of Turin shows the likeness of Donald Trump

No one is very happy about this, especially not the priests dwelling within the sanctified corridors of the Chapel of the Holy Shroud, Piedmont, Italy. No one is very happy about this except Donald Trump. Which is how he likes it.

Overnight the President of the United States of America took himself onto social media, and spread himself all over it, to make his latest claim in a life of increasingly bizarre claims.

”It’s me. It’s me. Not many people know this. But it’s me. They’ve done the tests. They all know it’s me. They don’t want to tell you that folks. But they know it’s me.”

POOTUS repeated this statement for an hour. No one was clear what he was talking about, not that it matters at this point, that’s not the point. The point is confusion. Imbalance. Keeping open a space to drag his corpulent ego through like Jabba the Hut getting his daily mile in, slime trail in his wake.

“They’re going to have to come clean,” Trump continued, “They’ve been lying to all of you. The fake news media. The scientists. What do they know? I know what I know and you know I know that you know what I know!”

Here he paused. Speculation is he was confused and exhausted by the construction of such a long sentence. But as surely as norovirus boarding a cruise ship, he continued.

”It’s my face. Look closely folks. It’s me. It’s a sign. That dish cloth they keep in that little church in Italy, with the face on it? That’s my face. It’s a sign people. It won’t wash off. Oooo they try to wash my face off. But it won’t come off.”

And he wasn’t finished with the subject.

”I’m going to buy it. I am going to have Melania wash it. By hand. With soap. Maybe a little bleach. Then I’m going to frame it and hang it in the Oval Office. You’ll see. It’s me. I’ll even take a DNA test if you want. I’ll prove it’s me.”

The keepers of the Shroud of Turin are yet to comment. But reliable reports say one of the priests was overheard saying “bollocks’, which translates into English as ‘bollocks’, which is nice.

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