Donald Trump has backed Boris Johnson’s Tory leadership bid – but has some important advice. If you want to be an international leader, you have to be more orange.
Trump knows what he is talking about. After all, he is President of the United States, the World, the Universe, and Loompaland.
His advice was, naturally, splashed across social media. “Boris is a bigly great man!” read one typical post. “He learned from the best – me! I admire his hair, I LOVE his attitude. Like me, he is being bullied for telling his version of the truth. Prime Ministerial harassment!”
So far, so Trump. But a late night missive from the presidential bathroom contained the vital missing link. It read, “Boris must be MORE ORANGE if you covfefe”
Rumours that the President actually did an Elvis and died on the throne, mid-tweet, have been greatly exaggerated.
Analysts have been puzzling over the end of this tweet. However the initial advice is sound. To become PM, Boris must go on a diet of Wotsits.
Johnson himself is delighted. “I absolutely love Wotsits,” he admitted. “I also love Trump. I particularly admire the way he says whatever he likes without fear of getting Muellered. The courts won’t find me guilty either. I’m Boris Johnson. Talking bollocks is what I do. They can’t prosecute me for being me!”
Members of Boris’ staff reveal that he is stockpiling skin pigmentation products as well as Wotsits. He is going to reveal his new statesmanlike appearance at the televised beauty contest. This is already being described as ‘going the full red panda’.
Unfortunately, Trump has recently cut all communications with Boris. Johnson believes Trump is mixing him up with Nigel Farage. “It’s ridiculous!” said Boris. “After all, he’s a mendacious, lying, narcissistic twat, with his own personal advancement being his only goal in life. We are nothing alike!”
The future’s bright…