CHOOSE RHYMING SLANG : Tory MP Jeremy Hunt has gotten into the confession game, being played by wannabe PM’s, by claiming the famous Trainspotting toilet scene was based on his early life.
“I was the worst toilet in Scotland in my twenties” said Hunt, during a frank press conference aimed at securing support for his leadership bid, “Skagheads used to use me all the time, yoo, um, ah, ya…ken me?”
The claim was met with skepticism by some, who felt that the UK’s Foreign Secretary was just trying to splash himself with some of the magic dust used to give Gove, Johnson, Leadsom, Raab and others street cred.
“But unlike some, such as Michael Gove, I am not a hypocrite,” Mr Hunt went on, “as I never used drugs, except by osmosis. It’s hard not to absorb some skag and laxatives especially, when you’re the worst toilet in Scotland.”
The veracity of Mr Hunt’s assertion has not been confirmed or denied by Transpotting author Irvine Welsh, who it is thought will take a dim view of a Tory trying to associate themselves with his fictional work.
“It makes a kind of grim sense though,” our political narcotics analyst mused, “Hunt is morally a toilet. When you look at his eyes you don’t see someone in their right mind. And he is just clearly completely full of verbal diarrhoea. Maybe he’s not lying?”
But if he isn’t lying, that may well be an even bigger shock.
Choose life. Don’t choose Jeremy Hunt. Just say no.