DExEU denies purchase of more cigarette packs for back of fag packet Brexit planning

The chief Brexiter David Davis was forced to the dispatch box in the lower house today, after the PM placeholder finished, to deny his department has purchased another carton of duty free cigarettes for the purpose of more Brexit planning.

“It is simply not true, I think,” The MP for Winging-It declared, “You aren’t allowed to smoke in the office anymore. And we’d hardly waste 200 marlboros by just throwing them in the bin for an intern to nick, just to have the packets, which by the way are excellent for writing big ideas on, would we?”

When asked by Anna Soubry why his fingertips were stained a heavy browny orange, Mr Davis coughed to clear his throat, before continuing.

“I’ve been eating Dorittos. It’s hard to stop once you start. They must coat them in crack. And I must say I’m a little surprised someone on my own team is questioning what I have for lunch. I am a very busy man. Sometimes, between my lessons in shoelace tying, and talking myself up in the mirror, I hardly have time to hire the thousands of extra civil servants the country needs to prepare for the opportunities presented by Brexit.”

This matter dealt with Mr Davis left the lower house in order to make his afternoon appointment at the school for differentiating between elbows and arses.

Unfortunately for the minister we have a source inside the same school who later furnished us with an empty cigarette packet found on the floor under his seat in the classroom.

The following was written across it,

“Make sure you say you never said Brexit will be easy. And don’t forget your elbow is the one which makes the fart sounds when you’re nervous.”

It will be interesting to see what is written across the other nineteen Spanish cigarette packets, presumably bought by a staffer for DExEU on half term break.

Maybe something about cake and being patient when you want to eat it? Being prepared to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of jobs to watch a few billionaires have their low low tax dream fulfilled.

Or maybe the biggest secret of all, how to avoid a cliff edge Brexit while maintaining just enough xenophobic rhetoric to keep the will of the people who want it from going up in smoke.

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