Global Britain 2.0 publishers have chosen LCD Views (out of a competitive field of one) to make the patriotic and nourishing announcement that the updated edition of their bestselling cookbook, ‘Brexit recipes : How to eat mud in a time of plenty’ will be updated to include a dairy section.
“It’s truly exciting for anyone who takes all the eggs they have out of the fridge, while high as a kite on populism, and drops them on the floor,” GB Chief Editor, Mar Larky, told us.
We interviewed Mar in a pop up cafe by the Thames.
“It’s a great idea Mar to have a pop up cafe on the foreshore while the tide is out.”
“Isn’t it just. You don’t happen to know what time the tide comes in do you?” Mar was so excited, he almost spilt his triple espresso macchiato.
“No. But I’m sure if we just believe it’s not going to rise we’ll be fine. Tell us about the updated edition?”
“Sure thing Searchlight. Inside this updated edition is all anyone who still cooks will need to easily reverse egg related accidents.”
That’s really good timing when you consider the state of the country.
“Say you actually make an omelette and break all your eggs. Or scramble some eggs by mistake.
We all do that from time to time, when it was actually our brains we meant to scramble before watching BBC Question Time?”
I know the feeling.
“That’s not a problem anymore.”
It seems the recipes Mar has compiled for putting eggy mishaps right will involve simply building a time machine and stepping inside.
“Our new generation tardis designs mean you can build one from materials found about the home.
No one should be left staring at an empty egg container, unless of course your children need them to make a spaceship.
Although we do cover that in “After the Drumpf : Life beyond Earth”, just in case you’re interested.
Most recyclable products can be used to build a vehicle that can be launched into orbit using only the power of your imagination and some hot air. We call them Johnson Balloons.”
We did ask if there would be any legal complications arising out of using the ‘tardis’ as a name?
“Why would there be? It’s our BBC. We pay for it.
We can use John Humphrys as a utensil drawer if we want. Andrew Marr as a food processor. Andrew Neil to oversee an illegal cock fighting ring. Nick Robinson as a souffle mould. The choice is ours.”
Demand is expected to be intense for the updated edition, but only because by the time it hits the shelves all the other books will have been eaten already or used to warm homes. So I’d pre-order yours today. It’s only £200M a week. A real steal!