Julian Assange was reportedly up late last night and celebrating after his gumtree roomshare ad got another bite.
”He’s really happy with himself,” our Ecuadorean embassy insider said, “you’d think he’d won the lottery. But I guess when you don’t get out much having someone move into your room with you is nice.”
It seems the international raconteur was forced to advertise for a room mate after the embassy informed him they were increasing his rent.
“It’s hard for us having him stay for so long. When we moved the brooms into the kitchen corridor it was supposed to be a temporary measure, but here we are, years later. So we’ve increased his rent.
He doesn’t actually have access to money so his rent is calculated by how much internet access we allow him each week to talk to his controller. Decreasing his internet access by two hours hit him really hard.”
It’s believed Mr Assange hopes that when his new friend moves in he will have money in his pocket and thus be able to give the embassy some pounds sterling, and this will return the two extra hours he’s had to ‘pay’.
“He’s pretty lucky to land such a big fish,” the insider continued,
“His new room mate’s expense budget is a bottom less pit. And the line in Julian’s ad ‘great place to hide when it all hits the fan’ was very attractive.”
Other advantages are of course, his room mate may come and go through the week.
“He’ll be able to take Assange’s letters out for him. When I say letters, I mean the wads of toilet paper he scrawls on with the lemon juice he steals from the kitchen when he thinks no one is watching. Apparently you can write ‘like a real spy’ if you use lemon juice.”
But what about his new room mate’s apparent love of the sauce?
“Oh, that won’t be a problem if you ask Julian. He’s been distilling what he calls ‘sanctuary vodka’ from his wee for years.
I suspect they’ll get on so well the entirety of DExEU will be moving in to the embassy before too long.
That way they won’t have to release anymore documents to anyone. The whole Brexit process can be placed under diplomatic immunity until it goes away. It would be the sensible thing to do.”