LCD Views’ political games correspondent is thrilled to have been selected to announce Fudge-it Spinners have been chosen as official toy for Brexit.
“When David Davis cornered me in the Fudge ‘n Fiddle pub this morning I was initially concerned.
I could barely breathe in the mixture of whiskey fumes, testosterone and bs wafting off him in clouds,” Green Searchlight said,
“but once I realised that if I just didn’t breathe I could survive, things improved and I interpreted what he was saying.”
Apparently the decision to gift the announcement to LCD Views was made last minute, but that is standard for government policy in first the May administration, and now the Cummings’ government, and does not detract from the honour.
”Schools across Britain will be forced to distribute the fudge-it spinners to all children and lessons will be given in the main tricks. Diversion. Evasion. Outright lying. Retracting outright lies on twitter.
And finally, managing expectations of a country you intend to impoverish, partly to make Russian oligarch money laundering easier, partly for the imperial ambitions of US libertarians, but also to keep racists feeling less challenged by the way the world is changing with Brexit.”
Green managed to get the few legible words Davis said down in print and they are reproduced here, paraphrased, so as to be understandable.
”It’s to get the younger demographics signed up to Brexit. The fudge-it spinners are another tangible benefit and more than make up for a future devoid of freedom to move around an entire continent at all.
Also, they are more than sufficient to soothe any hurt feelings over not being able to take advantage of the various youth programmes the EU wastes money on in the hope of fostering a sense of ‘let’s not have another world war start in Europe’.”
Mr Davis had to go after he delivered the message. Apparently to steal a snowplow and drive it into the pumps of a petrol station in Stevenage.
We asked six year old Emma Barnet what she thought of getting a free fudge-it spinner from the government.
”That seals it,” Emma said, “at the next general election I’m voting Conservative. Unless Labour respond with the offer of a slightly less crap Brexit, that still ensures my future options are pants.”