Boris Johnson was found in an upbeat and reinvigorated mood this morning as he took to the streets of north London to cause traffic jams, while lumbering about in a manner which vaguely brings to mind a man jogging.
We sent a correspondent along to slow walk beside him and ask what’s changed?
Has he succeeded in getting the undertaker Phil to open the chequebook and get Nazanin home?
”Pah!” the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary puffed back, “who is that again? Anyway, the half a billion quid is going into the pocket of some continental chaps to pay for blue freedom passports, which symbolise the loss of freedom of movement to British youth.”
What has caused this outbreak of good cheer then?
Russia agreed to pull another stunt so your government and the official opposition has a new dead cat to throw on the table for weeks?
”We need one! The toxic shock tabby has broken into its constituent components. Wibble! Mind the pot hole! Wobble!”
Our correspondent took care to avoid the holes being made in the bitumen by Johnson’s massive hooves.
Thanks for the warning. These roads are in a shocking state.
So what’s put the fire in your engine?
”JCB, those brave stalwarts of Leave, have agreed to be the official sponsor of my new campaign! Hotwot! Tot for tot!”
Bullshitting for Britain?
”That’s the tiger! Got it by the tail now! Nick of time too. This Cambridge Analytica business and the alleged illegal spending and collusion by the Leave campaign is going to take a mountain of bullshit to conceal!”
Yes, sometimes an ordinary shovel isn’t enough.
“You just watch me dig once I’m in the cab of that yellow terror! BeLeave me!”
We’ve been watching you dig for years now Foreign Secretary.
”It’s a hoot! I’ll be breaking through to China any day now!”
Or hitting rock bottom…we’ll soon see.