The Home Office has released photos of the modified EU27 citizen registration app test device today in order to build confidence in their pioneering system.
“There was all this fuss and bother over the fact the app doesn’t work on apples,” Home Office minister Mrs S Acrifical MP, told LCD Views, “so we made some modifications to the test device and will be running a new battery of tests to prove the system works. We are confident of delivering this system under budget and before the cliff edge Brexit we’re aiming for.”
It seems the phone app was settled on as the best way to deliver the system because that way the Home Office can better track EU citizens movements wherever they are day and night.
“It will make it easier to locate, intern and deport them when they reach retirement age,” the minister added, “which will be more efficient for the private security company awarded the contract to do just that.
We did think about just badging people the traditional way, to show they were now worth less than patriots, but focus group testing was negative.
But as none of us running this Brexit shower have learned anything at all from modern history, we can’t work out why there was so much kick back.”
The proposed system has also come under fire for requiring individuals to pay a fee of £72 and register individually.
“Everyone is against two for one deals suddenly, so we thought it best to make individuals in a family pay separately to register to lose their rights. But you will get a smiley face emoji as a thank you. We’re just settling on the moustache for its face.”
Queries over whether or not it would have been better to just grant citizenship freely to EU27 citizens who came here in a prior atmosphere of trust have been waved away.
“That’s hardly the hostile environment Theresa May is known to love to create,” the minister replied, “don’t be silly. And besides, they’re the only bargaining chips we have.”
A retort that these are human beings, people, friends, spouses, partners and shared humanity and we should be treating them the same as we expect to be treated, and anything less shames the United Kingdom, were dismissed.
“Oh, don’t you worry, once we’ve succeeded in taking away the freedom of movement for UK citizens, and ripped ourselves out of a mass of treaties legally ensuring minimum rights and treatment, you’ll find the treatment rapidly becomes very equal for all.”