A leading official of UKIP has described former leader Nigel Farage as “like the common cold”. This follows in the wake of the party describing itself as being like the Black Death.
The official, Y. Pestis, was being interviewed by Robin Nixon after the local elections debacle. Pestis stated: “Nigel is like the common cold. He is irritating, drains resources, and is difficult to get rid of.” The normally verbose Nixon was lost for words. Social media filled the vacuum, instantly branding Farage ‘The Bogey Man’.
LCD Views asked political commentator Anna Litical for her expert opinion. “Pestis is spot-on, for once,” she confirmed. “The common cold is highly infectious. Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. Nigel Farage went viral.”
Wouldn’t man flu be a better description?
“Not exactly,” Litical retorted. “Man flu is more like the effect that Mr Farage and UKIP have had on the country. You know, exaggerated symptoms. The UK threw a sickie, deciding that a minor nuisance was actually a major problem.”
So man flu, not Black Death, then. Seeking a cure, LCD contacted Westminster doctor Anna Bollix.
“You can only treat the symptoms of the common cold,” stated Dr Bollix. “Two aspirin, a hot drink and an early night, and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, Mr Farage ignored the experts. He decided to get drunk and smoke a lot instead. He hasn’t got any better, and meanwhile he has spread the infection. Stupid boy!”
Are there any alternative treatments?
“You could try steroids,” suggested Dr Bollix. “They help fight infection, and make you feel more, erm, manly in the, erm, manly department. I wouldn’t recommend them to Mr Farage, as he is already a big enough dick.”
How does the infection spread?
“It is spread by the faecal-oral route,” said Dr Bollix. “In other words, by people swallowing bullshit.”
Unfortunately, the infection has developed a resistance to all known remedies, including common sense. Brexit is the norovirus of the body politic, and the UK is the sick man of Europe.