The woman alleged to be the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is taking some well-earned time out. The rumour mill says that she is building a shed in her back garden.
Theresa May is following the lead of her un-esteemed predecessor, David Cameron. Cameron, lest we forget, gambled the country’s future on a referendum designed to silence Eurosceptic critics. As we know, the plan backfired magnificently. Instead of hanging around to clear up his mess, Cameron promptly resigned to build a shed.
“I call it the rag shed,” Cameron admitted cheerfully. “I retreat to it whenever the lovely Samantha is on the rag, or loses her rag. A man needs his own space to escape from the harsh realities of living with a woman.”
Cameron reveals that he can spend time in his shed with his fantasies, alternatively called ‘writing his memoirs’. Equipped with a sofa, a desk, wifi, and enough gin to last a fortnight, he no longer needs to engage with his family except when slopping out.
Our mole at Number Ten revealed that Theresa May is secretly building a shed. “She is calling it her Brexit Shed,” said the mole, Andi Livin-Ahole. “She is assembling it in an ad-hoc manner. She keeps firing her incompetent project managers and ignores all guidance on construction.”
The rickety, leaking edifice is nearing completion, Livin-Ahole says. “It must be complete by 29 March,” he reveals. “She won’t extend the deadline even if it collapses about her ears. Which it might well do any moment.”
The attraction of the shed is obvious. You can escape from unwelcome attention and have privacy. May’s supporters have pointed out that sleeping in a shed is better than sleeping under a hedge. “Or under a hedge fund manager,” adds Livin-Ahole, acidly.
Shed means shed. But the image persists of our once-proud PM sitting in the rain, amid the remains of the wrecked shed, a plastic bag over her head, repeating over and over again:
Strong and stable… Strong and stable…